Darkina describes her emotional and physical state as a pregnant women with HIV.
Right now I am seven months pregnant and HIV positive, and I just want to kind of take you into that emotional world that I went through. I have a daughter that’s 18 and I have a son that’s 20 years old so that’s a big difference. Coming out of treatment, trying to get my body and stuff together, being HIV positive, and then all of a sudden I pop up with a baby – unplanned.
I did have the final say in saying use the condom but again, I didn’t push that issue because he didn’t want to. So now I am pregnant with a baby and HIV positive. At three months being pregnant I had to start HIV meds. I didn’t take meds before. It was very overwhelming – very overwhelming. My body getting back on track from being out on drugs, then all of a sudden I end up pregnant, flip, flip and then I am on HIV meds – triple flip.
So I am going through a big emotional rollercoaster. I am depressed. I am angry. I am very upset. I made a bad choice. I made a bad decision. How could I do this? I am in early recovery but I have to keep on fighting. I can’t let it get me down. I can’t get just way, way depressed where I am not able to just go on. The father of the child is just not supportive and he is not there but the main thing again, was for me to stay strong for myself and then I have to say strong for my child.
I had a problem with taking HIV meds because the addition to Percocets. I didn’t want to take all those pills. It was driving me crazy so I went through an emotional rollercoaster for two weeks on taking these meds, but while doing this here I trust in my higher power. I trust in my higher power to give me the strength, to carry me through, “Lord, carry me through this, not over this, carry me through this. I want to get through this because no matter what, whether I want a child or not, I did what I did. I have to take full responsibility, love this child, and give the child the nourishment that he needs.”
After two weeks coming to Southwest Center to my support group, getting medical attention, going to Ebony House, being around the right people and the right place at the right time, I was able to overcome that. Today, I must say god has brought me to a whole another page. I love my child. It’s still struggle because I am 35 years old. It’s an 18-year difference. It’s a huge toll. I have never been this big, but today I push more than I have ever pushed in my life.
I go to school. I have a full schedule. I go to school to get my GED. I go to my doctor’s appointments. I make my support groups. I keep on striving today because I love myself and because HIV is just not going to get me down. I going to be a proven fact that I can do anything with HIV.
January I’ll be going to college with HIV, being a substance abuse counselor with HIV. I got my GED while being pregnant with HIV, you know? I’m going to be that story; I did all this with HIV. It’s no stop. There’s no stopping me. The sky is the limit for me.
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