Asperger's Parents and Neurotypical Children
Asperger's Syndrome is finally moving into the spotlight. Questions that have perplexed Asperger's (AS) and neurotypical (NT) family members alike are now finding answers. Marriages between Aspies and NT's can improve as more becomes known about how to bridge the neurological gap.
People with Asperger's are writing articles, blogging, and being heard. Their voices have been given a platform that's been long in coming. They certainly deserve this understanding.
One group, though, that seems to be under-represented in all this new information and support, are the neurotypical children of Aspie parents.
There's a certain irony here. From what I've read, this has been the story of their lives.
A cornucopia of material is available, finally, for AS children, and Asperger's / NT marriages, and Asperger's in adults. But their NT child is -- still -- overlooked.
An Asperger's parent might say everything is fine. They're not aware of any problem for their child. However, there's that Catch 22.
Neurologically, they are unable to be aware of it. But that doesn't mean there isn't a problem.
The neurotypical parent's view may be completely different. They'd see the hurt feelings the Aspie would miss. They'd be aware of the emotional distance the child faces. Inevitably, the AS parent would not.
Some NT children of AS parents, now adults themselves, would say that as children they felt unloved. Their Aspie parent wasn't able to be sensitive to their feelings and their needs.
As NT children, they couldn't understand the neurological disconnect. The present generation of NT adults with Asperger's parents had no way of knowing what was wrong when they were small.
Children assume, and internalize, that there is something wrong with them, that it is somehow their fault when their parents can't show them love and affection in non-verbal ways they can understand.
To compound the situation, Asperger's was unheard of at that time. Who knew?
Many offspring of Aspies are dogged throughout their lives with depression and low self-worth.
We value and respect the experiences of all of our HERWriters, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.
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"They'd be aware of the emotional distance the child faces. Inevitably, the AS parent would not."
October 22, 2009 - 2:27pm....
"Many offspring of Aspies are dogged throughout their lives with depression and low self-worth. In their early lives their thoughts and feelings weren't acknowledged so the ability to develop healthy relationships later in life was stunted."
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I can't believe what I am reading!! I have been recently diagnosed with AS. I certainly did not feel loved or valued by my family growing up, and I made great efforts to show my now grown children lots of love and caring throughout their lives. I was not perfect, but my children & I are close and they seem very happy. (Although perhaps one would then say: "An Asperger's parent might say everything is fine. They're not aware of any problem for their child. However, there's that Catch 22.") We just cannot win, can we?
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The comments in this article may be true for some parents, both AS and NT alike. But these things are most definitely not true for all, or even most AS parents.
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People with AS face enough condemnation throughout their lives from both family members and from society at large. They do not need extra guilt and anxiety piled on by "experts"- telling them what bad parents they must be, simply by virtue of having AS. Thank you.
This Comment
I so agree with everything you say, being an asperger parent myself, if anything growing up with NT parents and not being understood makes me over compensate... both my NT and aspie children are loved and we have brilliant relationships, like most aspie parents I know make exceptional parents, if anything over parent, if that is possible...My apsie child even thanked me for not forcing him to be or act like what he will; never be, says it all really!
and 200% agree:
October 22, 2009 - 3:02pm"People with AS face enough condemnation throughout their lives from both family members and from society at large. They do not need extra guilt and anxiety piled on by "experts"- telling them what bad parents they must be, simply by virtue of having AS. "
in fact as an asperger parent I find this article offensive, but us to being discriminated against has happen all my life! Individuals need to remember we are there AS childs voices.,the brilliant insight mainly comes from spectrum adults, and I feel should be praised not criticized!!! its so frustrating with every step we take forward, some one wants to knock us down...Aspergers Parallel Planet
As the NT child of an AS mother and father, I'd like to encourage you to ask your NT children(if they are old enough) to read this article. Then ask them their opinion, maybe you will gain some insight.
November 7, 2009 - 11:17pmGreat idea! I have asked my NT daughter to reply to this thread. I am glad you wrote this. I have only been aware of my AS for about 9 months and have been talking to my 28 year old NT daughter about how this possibly affects her. I have asked her to post honestly here.
May 30, 2011 - 11:13pm"...People with AS face enough condemnation throughout their lives from both family members and from society at large...."
Within a household where the people who do have Asperger's (or who don't have it but behave as though they have it because they're dedicated to upholding cultural customs that value tons of rote studying/sticking with the extended family and arranged marriage/etc. and scorn emotional expression/making friends and dating/etc.) are the adults in charge...
...and where the people who don't have Asperger's and can't thrive passing for Aspie are children who live under those adults' thumbs and need to see, hear, and feel emotional support from those adults (because they're only human, they don't have ESP, and "my never hugging you doesn't count because I have a doctor's note that says so, so it shouldn't have the same effect on you that an NT parent never hugging his or her child has on that child" doesn't make any sense to a baby)...
...those Aspies are definitely *not* being oppressed by those NTs for their Asperger's.
July 14, 2010 - 4:08pmTo concerned citizen 4--the very symptoms that categorize someone as an aspie are also behaviors that are very detrimental to offspring of Aspies. If the parent does not have the destructive behaviors he/she is not an Aspie. By definition, the criteria for Aspergers and/or PDD (that had been called Aspergers) are the very characteristics that are damaging to offspring.
November 26, 2011 - 1:11pmPlease read Tony Attwood's statement that people with autism or Asperger's Syndrome do NOT necessarily make bad partners or parents simply by virtue of being on the autism spectrum:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt99057.html
Thank you.
November 27, 2011 - 11:26amI'm sorry you feel that way but I would agree 100% with the writer of the article. I am the offspring of an aspie mother. She did some things right like made sure I was fed and clothed and she would say the right things etc. She would follow the lead of what you are supposed to do, but in no way was she able to love me or understand how her rage and and other problem behaviors damaged her children. To this day she is clue less and refuses any conversation about my feelings and my experience. She is however very aware of her own and makes it clear to us that we always have to see her, respect her and care for her. Walking on egg shells is the only way to be around this woman. My cure was to have my own children and be a real mother to them but it also required ten years of therapy and distancing myself from my mother. Finally, I have come to accept that she had never and could never love me or my brother.
November 28, 2011 - 9:54amAs the child of an Aspergers mother... I understand this completely. It is interesting because I just realized my mother possibly has Aspergers and all of this makes total sense to me. I didn't realize that there were people out there who had these same issues. Not that I relish in others misfortunes, but I am so glad I am not alone.
May 3, 2012 - 2:28pmYou are absolutely not alone. And with your new knowledge, you may be surprised as time goes by to realize that there are many people with Aspergers syndrome. And in fact you may come to find there are more people with Aspergers in your life, your family, than you realized. This is not unusual. It can be quite eye-opening however. And freeing.
May 3, 2012 - 2:44pm