The thing is, your man is probably deeply ashamed of himself that he can't perform and admitting to anyone else is probably a sign of weakness in his mind. (Thus why a lot of men tend to put up resistance when we suggest they see a doctor - seeing a doctor would be admitting there's a problem, which would be admitting that there's a weakness. )
I'm 20 and I've also been with my partner for a year, and he's 23, with ED problems due to medications he takes for a different condition. When we first got involved and into bed with each other, he was utterly horrified by the fact that he couldn't get it up (He had been a virgin and it hadn't occurred to him that he would have trouble until that moment). I was lucky though, because the first thing my boyfriend did was run to the doctor for help.
For the first several months, things went up and down as he switched his medications for the other condition with varying effects. (At that point, the ED had become psychological, because he was scared he wouldn't be able to, even with the new meds, so he would get it up, then suddenly deflate just before the moment of penetration). I did my best to hang on, be encouraging and not take things too personally (It was difficult, and he could sense that), but we made a big point of talking about it too, so that he knew that while I understood his issues and supported him, I wasn't just pretending nothing was wrong either, because I had needs and desires that wanted to be fufilled, because I know at that point, I was extremely frustrated emotionally and sexually.
Eventually, he managed to get over the psychological stuff with a lot of encouragement, but he also discovered that the 'new' meds he was taking were having adverse side-effects in other ways, so he switched back to the ED causing ones because they worked better. However, by that point, he'd discovered that by a combination of timing sex so that it happened +12 hours after his last dosage plus the occasional Cialis, things usually turn out fine.
We still occasionally run into the ED, but it's not a big deal anymore and I'm happy with our sex life.
My point being is that, it's not you, it's his trouble and he needs to find a way to fix it and after a point, you need do need to speak up and say "Hey, this is bothering me a lot, because it makes me feel like....". Maybe he doesn't know it's bothering you as much as it does (silence has an insidious way of doing that) and he needs to know how much this is affecting you. If all else fails, go to the doctor yourself and ask for advice for what to do. (Or grind up Viagra into his morning coffee?)
But from the sound of your man, he's refusing to get himself checked out, so you have to make it clear that that's not OK. Basically, he's been able to spend a year not doing anything about his problem and you have wasted a year being frustrated and resentful. (Does he get hard at other times... but not during sex? if that is the case, the problem is psychological and he needs to figure out what's causing it).
Make it clear to him that while you love him and understand that he has troubles, that being he is not being fair to you or your sexuality by not seeing a doctor. If he resists even further, you may have to leave him to find someone else who can keep it up for you. Perhaps the thought of that will get him motivated to try something. However, if it doesn't, then you should leave him. If he's not willing to go out of his way for your happiness, then he's not worth it in the long run and in no way is he worth being celibate for.
Comment Reply
You're not the one who's wrong, sweetie.
The thing is, your man is probably deeply ashamed of himself that he can't perform and admitting to anyone else is probably a sign of weakness in his mind. (Thus why a lot of men tend to put up resistance when we suggest they see a doctor - seeing a doctor would be admitting there's a problem, which would be admitting that there's a weakness. )
I'm 20 and I've also been with my partner for a year, and he's 23, with ED problems due to medications he takes for a different condition. When we first got involved and into bed with each other, he was utterly horrified by the fact that he couldn't get it up (He had been a virgin and it hadn't occurred to him that he would have trouble until that moment). I was lucky though, because the first thing my boyfriend did was run to the doctor for help.
For the first several months, things went up and down as he switched his medications for the other condition with varying effects. (At that point, the ED had become psychological, because he was scared he wouldn't be able to, even with the new meds, so he would get it up, then suddenly deflate just before the moment of penetration). I did my best to hang on, be encouraging and not take things too personally (It was difficult, and he could sense that), but we made a big point of talking about it too, so that he knew that while I understood his issues and supported him, I wasn't just pretending nothing was wrong either, because I had needs and desires that wanted to be fufilled, because I know at that point, I was extremely frustrated emotionally and sexually.
Eventually, he managed to get over the psychological stuff with a lot of encouragement, but he also discovered that the 'new' meds he was taking were having adverse side-effects in other ways, so he switched back to the ED causing ones because they worked better. However, by that point, he'd discovered that by a combination of timing sex so that it happened +12 hours after his last dosage plus the occasional Cialis, things usually turn out fine.
We still occasionally run into the ED, but it's not a big deal anymore and I'm happy with our sex life.
My point being is that, it's not you, it's his trouble and he needs to find a way to fix it and after a point, you need do need to speak up and say "Hey, this is bothering me a lot, because it makes me feel like....". Maybe he doesn't know it's bothering you as much as it does (silence has an insidious way of doing that) and he needs to know how much this is affecting you. If all else fails, go to the doctor yourself and ask for advice for what to do. (Or grind up Viagra into his morning coffee?)
But from the sound of your man, he's refusing to get himself checked out, so you have to make it clear that that's not OK. Basically, he's been able to spend a year not doing anything about his problem and you have wasted a year being frustrated and resentful. (Does he get hard at other times... but not during sex? if that is the case, the problem is psychological and he needs to figure out what's causing it).
Make it clear to him that while you love him and understand that he has troubles, that being he is not being fair to you or your sexuality by not seeing a doctor. If he resists even further, you may have to leave him to find someone else who can keep it up for you. Perhaps the thought of that will get him motivated to try something. However, if it doesn't, then you should leave him. If he's not willing to go out of his way for your happiness, then he's not worth it in the long run and in no way is he worth being celibate for.
February 6, 2009 - 11:48amThis Comment
Reply