RLyons, your friend sounds a lot like my best friend's ex-husband. Yes, I said ex. He was a good man, and kind, inside -- even I liked him a lot -- but a drinking problem, denial and the effects that those things bring made him controlling and at times emotionally abusive.
This is what you are dealing with with your "friend." I put the word in quotation marks because like Coach Virginia, I don't actually see what you are getting out of the relationship. A friend is someone who supports you, who understands you, and who listens to you; and you do the same in return for them. A friend is not someone who blames you, tries to make you feel guilty, and tries to control your actions from afar.
How is it possible that he tries to control things in your life -- your computer, or where you drive? Even 10 years after a breakup? Did you formerly let him weigh in on such things?
How is it possible that he was "perfectly pleasant" yet drank like a fish and ends up trying to make you feel bad for being happy? He should be embarrassed and apologetic, not blaming and accusatory.
Is it that you feel guilty for moving on, and you somewhat buy his philosophy that you are responsible for his happiness (or lack of it?)
Is it that you feel good knowing that he still wants to be connected to you?
How is it ok with your fiance that your friend treats you like this?
Honestly, I'm not quite sure I'd trust someone who is controlling, has an alcohol problem and who smokes pot to be in charge of my special-needs dogs. You don't mention this, but people with these kinds of issues also often have problems with anger. Is that the case here? Do you have some fear involved in what would happen if you let him go completely?
It might help to read about a borderline disorder personality or a narcissistic personality to see if it sounds familiar. Here's the National Institutes of Health's page on BPD:
I have to say that if I were in this situation, I would feel like I had one of two options, and the one I would choose would depend on whether I thought the friend had the ability to change. If you don't think this friend has the ability to change, then I would let the relationship go completely. If there are reasons you feel you can't do that -- and if you feel he is a good person who could change -- then I would have a truly honest talk with him about everything he does to hurt your feelings and how you need him to either respect your wishes and value your friendship or that you'll have to part ways. And be specific. Don't wimp out.
I have heard Dr. Phil say that "We teach people how to treat us." It seems so true in this case. The problem here is that you taught this friend how to treat you long ago. I'm sure that you thought you were being generous and kind, but that it has played out much differently over the years.
Please write back and let us know how things go. This is a difficult situation for sure, and your honesty here is something you should be proud of.
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RLyons, your friend sounds a lot like my best friend's ex-husband. Yes, I said ex. He was a good man, and kind, inside -- even I liked him a lot -- but a drinking problem, denial and the effects that those things bring made him controlling and at times emotionally abusive.
This is what you are dealing with with your "friend." I put the word in quotation marks because like Coach Virginia, I don't actually see what you are getting out of the relationship. A friend is someone who supports you, who understands you, and who listens to you; and you do the same in return for them. A friend is not someone who blames you, tries to make you feel guilty, and tries to control your actions from afar.
How is it possible that he tries to control things in your life -- your computer, or where you drive? Even 10 years after a breakup? Did you formerly let him weigh in on such things?
How is it possible that he was "perfectly pleasant" yet drank like a fish and ends up trying to make you feel bad for being happy? He should be embarrassed and apologetic, not blaming and accusatory.
Is it that you feel guilty for moving on, and you somewhat buy his philosophy that you are responsible for his happiness (or lack of it?)
Is it that you feel good knowing that he still wants to be connected to you?
How is it ok with your fiance that your friend treats you like this?
Honestly, I'm not quite sure I'd trust someone who is controlling, has an alcohol problem and who smokes pot to be in charge of my special-needs dogs. You don't mention this, but people with these kinds of issues also often have problems with anger. Is that the case here? Do you have some fear involved in what would happen if you let him go completely?
It might help to read about a borderline disorder personality or a narcissistic personality to see if it sounds familiar. Here's the National Institutes of Health's page on BPD:
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml
and the Mayo Clinic:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/borderline-personality-disorder/DS00442
and here are some references on Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652
http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic.html
I have to say that if I were in this situation, I would feel like I had one of two options, and the one I would choose would depend on whether I thought the friend had the ability to change. If you don't think this friend has the ability to change, then I would let the relationship go completely. If there are reasons you feel you can't do that -- and if you feel he is a good person who could change -- then I would have a truly honest talk with him about everything he does to hurt your feelings and how you need him to either respect your wishes and value your friendship or that you'll have to part ways. And be specific. Don't wimp out.
I have heard Dr. Phil say that "We teach people how to treat us." It seems so true in this case. The problem here is that you taught this friend how to treat you long ago. I'm sure that you thought you were being generous and kind, but that it has played out much differently over the years.
Please write back and let us know how things go. This is a difficult situation for sure, and your honesty here is something you should be proud of.
December 12, 2008 - 9:57amThis Comment
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