I feel your pain. You're pitted between a hard spot and a rock, with a teen who is getting different messages from you and her biological mom. You can't force her to talk to you, she has to trust you enough to open up to you. Right now, it sounds like she's totally confused. Be her rock of Gibraltar, be consistent with her, and continue to be the parent.
My former troublesome teen will turn 30 this week, the oldest of my three kids. I see the terrific person he is now, but still remember what a "holy terror" he was in high school.
I always held the position that, if you treat the teen as a responsible, accountable person, he or she will behave as one. Because we parents are dealing with a ticking, hormonal time bomb on our hands and all the associated crazy behavior, it's really hard to remember that the kid is a young adult learning to fly solo. That's part of the "angry youth" in teens. You can't force a kid to talk to you, but you can learn to encourage communication.
My dad always said that there is a "key" to everything, including people. Once you find that key, all things fall into place. With my son, it was finding out what he was most passionate about, which happened to be his artwork, writings and skateboarding. Relating his interests to daily life was the key into his head. Once he found out that good ol' mom used to be a "skater," a poster artist and the editor of my high school newspaper, we found common ground he could relate to. Sure, we still had the battle of the wills, but we found a way to break through the communication barriers.
The other challenge was to gain his trust in the solidity of my word. While I was not a parent who went about trying to convince the world that he was a perfect kid, I was the one who let him know in no uncertain terms that I was true to my word. I told him to not even bother to call if he got picked up by the police for violating curfew, for example, as I would let him simmer in the police station. He did test me, too, only once (the police thought it was hilarious that I refused to go pick him up until morning). He tested me on other issues, as well, much to his chagrin. It's a tough way to learn about consequences for behavior, and his teen years weren't easy for anyone in our household. Yet, he served on the jury in our local teen court and sure had a lot to say to his peers about going against parental authority (cracked me up!).
What he also learned was that he could rely on me to be consistent. Kids need that from authority figures just as much as from their own peers, and it builds trust. When your teen starts seeking your opinion and advice, you know you've overcome a huge communication hurdle. My son had a hard time accepting the rules of the house, but you should have heard him lecture his kid sister when it was "her turn."
My son is now a published writer of books in IT, an artist with a local following, and is developing a passion for cooking. When we celebrate his birthday this weekend, I know I'll be seeing not just the 1 1/2 year old who asked which planet in the night sky was his, but the terrible teen who made my life miserable and still turned out to be one incredible human being.
Find that key to your stepdaughter. I'll bet she really doesn't know who to trust.
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I feel your pain. You're pitted between a hard spot and a rock, with a teen who is getting different messages from you and her biological mom. You can't force her to talk to you, she has to trust you enough to open up to you. Right now, it sounds like she's totally confused. Be her rock of Gibraltar, be consistent with her, and continue to be the parent.
My former troublesome teen will turn 30 this week, the oldest of my three kids. I see the terrific person he is now, but still remember what a "holy terror" he was in high school.
I always held the position that, if you treat the teen as a responsible, accountable person, he or she will behave as one. Because we parents are dealing with a ticking, hormonal time bomb on our hands and all the associated crazy behavior, it's really hard to remember that the kid is a young adult learning to fly solo. That's part of the "angry youth" in teens. You can't force a kid to talk to you, but you can learn to encourage communication.
My dad always said that there is a "key" to everything, including people. Once you find that key, all things fall into place. With my son, it was finding out what he was most passionate about, which happened to be his artwork, writings and skateboarding. Relating his interests to daily life was the key into his head. Once he found out that good ol' mom used to be a "skater," a poster artist and the editor of my high school newspaper, we found common ground he could relate to. Sure, we still had the battle of the wills, but we found a way to break through the communication barriers.
The other challenge was to gain his trust in the solidity of my word. While I was not a parent who went about trying to convince the world that he was a perfect kid, I was the one who let him know in no uncertain terms that I was true to my word. I told him to not even bother to call if he got picked up by the police for violating curfew, for example, as I would let him simmer in the police station. He did test me, too, only once (the police thought it was hilarious that I refused to go pick him up until morning). He tested me on other issues, as well, much to his chagrin. It's a tough way to learn about consequences for behavior, and his teen years weren't easy for anyone in our household. Yet, he served on the jury in our local teen court and sure had a lot to say to his peers about going against parental authority (cracked me up!).
What he also learned was that he could rely on me to be consistent. Kids need that from authority figures just as much as from their own peers, and it builds trust. When your teen starts seeking your opinion and advice, you know you've overcome a huge communication hurdle. My son had a hard time accepting the rules of the house, but you should have heard him lecture his kid sister when it was "her turn."
My son is now a published writer of books in IT, an artist with a local following, and is developing a passion for cooking. When we celebrate his birthday this weekend, I know I'll be seeing not just the 1 1/2 year old who asked which planet in the night sky was his, but the terrible teen who made my life miserable and still turned out to be one incredible human being.
Find that key to your stepdaughter. I'll bet she really doesn't know who to trust.
January 5, 2009 - 9:04pmThis Comment
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