I had struggled with a similar situation with my ex-wife. We were married for 16 years. Four years into the marriage, she suffered an injury to her back and started treatment for chronic back pain. Half way through our marriage, I noticed her deterioration and she became increasingly self-destructive. I held on as long as I could, caring for her and being faithful to my vows. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health" kept me hanging on for a very long time. Unbeknownst to me, I could not see how destructive the relationship became for me or our two children. I found myself obsessing over her self-destructive behaviors and neglecting my own needs to take care of myself and my children. I lost sight of going to the gym, my hobbies, my friends, and other things that made me happy. I was afraid to leave her alone. I began taking on all responsibilities around our home. I began to feel guilty that I wasn't doing enough. Perhaps, if I would try harder it would help her be happy and I would feel loved. The downward spiral occurred slowly over many years. It was subtle, progressive, and was affecting all relationships in my immediate and extended family/friends, our finances, and my children's academics. I didn't notice how bad it had become because I was always putting out the latest fire. I was unable to see the forest through the trees.
In this experience, I have learned that I had to rebuild my confidence in myself to make the appropriate decision for my situation. I did this by working on my relationship with myself. By relearning boundaries, recognizing and no longer enabling destructive behavior, and sticking to ultimatums that I bestowed.
I learned that for those of us surviving situations like this, no one can tell you what is the right thing to do in your situation. Only you can determine that. I was unable to make that determination for years. In my mind, a logical voice wanted something better but a self-deprecating voice in my head kept me locked-in to fight the good fight: rescuing, sacrificing, and being the martyr. I was then able to see that my needs and happiness were important and fulfilling them was not selfish, it was necessary.
I know many people in similar situations that have chosen to stay and many that have chosen to leave. In either case, support groups and counseling are critical components to maintaining the areas of ourselves that help us rise above the anxiety, depression, worry, and self-sacrifice. I have learned that the ones that are most healthy in these situations are strong in mind, body, and spirit. The tools I used to help myself was writing in my journal, regular physical activity, reduction of alcohol consumption, self-help books, getting out for group activities with my kids and other health adults, opening a business, counseling, group therapy, taking classes, staying away from other intimate relationships, and trying new healthy things that made me happy.
As long as your decision is your own and you have YOUR best interest in mind, whatever you chose to do IS the right decision. In my case, I found that once I could see the forest through the trees, the circumstances made make that decision for me.
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I had struggled with a similar situation with my ex-wife. We were married for 16 years. Four years into the marriage, she suffered an injury to her back and started treatment for chronic back pain. Half way through our marriage, I noticed her deterioration and she became increasingly self-destructive. I held on as long as I could, caring for her and being faithful to my vows. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health" kept me hanging on for a very long time. Unbeknownst to me, I could not see how destructive the relationship became for me or our two children. I found myself obsessing over her self-destructive behaviors and neglecting my own needs to take care of myself and my children. I lost sight of going to the gym, my hobbies, my friends, and other things that made me happy. I was afraid to leave her alone. I began taking on all responsibilities around our home. I began to feel guilty that I wasn't doing enough. Perhaps, if I would try harder it would help her be happy and I would feel loved. The downward spiral occurred slowly over many years. It was subtle, progressive, and was affecting all relationships in my immediate and extended family/friends, our finances, and my children's academics. I didn't notice how bad it had become because I was always putting out the latest fire. I was unable to see the forest through the trees.
In this experience, I have learned that I had to rebuild my confidence in myself to make the appropriate decision for my situation. I did this by working on my relationship with myself. By relearning boundaries, recognizing and no longer enabling destructive behavior, and sticking to ultimatums that I bestowed.
I learned that for those of us surviving situations like this, no one can tell you what is the right thing to do in your situation. Only you can determine that. I was unable to make that determination for years. In my mind, a logical voice wanted something better but a self-deprecating voice in my head kept me locked-in to fight the good fight: rescuing, sacrificing, and being the martyr. I was then able to see that my needs and happiness were important and fulfilling them was not selfish, it was necessary.
I know many people in similar situations that have chosen to stay and many that have chosen to leave. In either case, support groups and counseling are critical components to maintaining the areas of ourselves that help us rise above the anxiety, depression, worry, and self-sacrifice. I have learned that the ones that are most healthy in these situations are strong in mind, body, and spirit. The tools I used to help myself was writing in my journal, regular physical activity, reduction of alcohol consumption, self-help books, getting out for group activities with my kids and other health adults, opening a business, counseling, group therapy, taking classes, staying away from other intimate relationships, and trying new healthy things that made me happy.
As long as your decision is your own and you have YOUR best interest in mind, whatever you chose to do IS the right decision. In my case, I found that once I could see the forest through the trees, the circumstances made make that decision for me.
Good luck. Stay strong. You are a survivor!
April 5, 2015 - 10:46amThis Comment
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