ok, there are a lot of threads from the original message, too many to read through, so i'm posting about the issue - living with/being married to/in a relationship with a sick spouse.
in my situation, i'm the non-sick spouse.
i've read persons saying that if you're the non-sick spouse, to quit making things about you. while i agree that this is selfish, it's also inevitable. when you enter into a relationship, there are expectations that come with it. even if the person was sick to begin with, you never really know what you're dealing with until you journey with them as their sickness progresses. it may start off as the sick spouse not being able to go out with you, and you may be ok with that, but then as time progresses, they are unable to have sex with you, unable to comfort you when you need it, etc. etc. physical sickness almost often comes with emotional problems - depression, anger, lack of sex drive, mood swings. etc. and most of the non-sick better halves do not realise that this is what they're getting into.
all these things are understandable - i cannot for one second imagine what my spouse goes through, and i am extremely proud of him that he keeps fighting. i admire him and i love him, but there are expectations that are not being fulfilled. and while saying that may sound, or may even be selfish, it's reality.
in my situation, i know that my spouse loves me. because of his will to keep fighting. like many of the testimonies here, his sickness is not really treatable and medication hasn't been able to control it very well. every day, something else goes wrong. his condition is constantly deteriorating. that being said, there are days when he cannot speak to me, cannot be around me, and all he can manage is to try to take care of himself.
not everyone is cut out for being with a sick spouse. it takes A LOT of patience and you have to put aside your expectations of what society has made a relationship out to be. so for those of you non-sick spouses who think you are up for it, here are some of the things i've learnt that have helped me.
(i do not intentionally mean to insult any sick spouses. if i have, then please forgive me - i did not mean to. you will also find me over-using the term "sick spouse", but it's just to differentiate between sick and non-sick)
1. DO NOT COMPARE YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO ANYONE ELSE'S
looking at "normal" peoples' relationships and comparing yours to theirs is a recipe for disaster. you are NOT in a normal relationship. your situation is NOT normal. so you cannot compare.
how wonderful it is that your best friend's spouse goes out with her/him all the time and they have so much fun and they post all their pics on facebook and they look so happy... why can't you have this?
wanting it is normal - and there's nothing wrong with wanting it. but your sitatuation is not normal. and if you're in a relationship where your sick spouse really does love you, if he COULD do it for you, he WOULD. you have to understand the sick person's capabilities. and i stress CAPABILITY, not desire. capability and desire are two completely different things. understand that your spouse WANTS to do these things with you, but CAN'T.
2. TAKE BREAKS - AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED THEM
i feel like i live in a hospital. when you think about it, that's really what it is because our home has become this place where he is always sick and i'm always trying to take care of him. at least, that's how i feel.
my spouse is the kind of person who loves when i'm around. but at the same time he's understanding that i need a break from the situation. and when you're explaining this to your sick spouse, please stress the break is from the SITUATION, and not from HIM/HER.
i know that people on the outside looking in think i'm a selfish bastard for leaving him for a few hours to go watch a movie by myself, or checking myself into a hotel for a night, or putting a tv in another room so i can get lost in a tv show there without him around, or even sleeping on a different bed when the situation gets to be too much for me. but screw these people who think i'm selfish... all i'm doing is taking breaks so that i can be better at being there for him.
i'm sure he also feels like i'm neglecting him, but if i'm constantly there for him and don't take time-outs from the situation, i get extremely frustrated and exhausted to the point where i want to run away, permanently. taking breaks is how i keep sane.
3. BE OK WITH SPENDING TIME BY YOURSELF - STILL DO THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY
being with a sick spouse is a very lonely life. so if you're someone who constantly needs attention, or can't do anything independently, that life is not for you.
i look at needing less attention as my growth to being more independent. when i'm able to do things on my own that make me happy, i'm more confident and self-sufficient. of course, it's SO much better if you can share these things with the person you love. but refer back to my statement in #1 about capability vs. desire. if he could, he'd be there with me. he once told me that i need to keep doing the things i need to do to be happy.
so whatever your passion is, don't give it up because your spouse can't do it with you. if it's singing, join a choir. if it's hiking, join a hike group. if it's scuba diving, join a dive group. you get my point.
it's important that you do or continue to do these things that make you happy. you being happy means your in a better frame of mind to interact with your spouse. that makes him/her happy, and everyone happy.
4. IGNORE THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND
if you really love your spouse and want to stay with him/her and want to make things work, you need to ignore the people who do not understand the situation.
no one will understand the situation like you do because you're the one living in it.
everyone will want to give you advice on how to deal with things. friends will want to know why you haven't left him/her yet, and others will be appalled that you're thinking of leaving him/her.
don't hold it against people if they don't understand - sickness difficult to understand. it's not just a matter of googling "cancer" or "MS" or any other sickness. i live in the situation and i STILL don't fully understand. even your sick spouse doesn't fully understand what's happening. so don't expect outsiders to understand.
you have to sift through the negative and positive comments and take away what you need to. i remember calling a friend in tears saying i wanted to "run away" from the situation and her response was "i think you should". i got angry with this friend, because all i wanted was comfort - i didn't want her to support any particular decision. but everyone is entitled to their opinion, and i did call for advice.
i remember calling a different friend some time later and saying the same thing "i want to run away". and she asked me "why?" she didn't take a side. all she did was ask me the right question for me to think through my own feelings. and slowly i began to realize that i could do this process on my own. and so i've realised that wanting to run away is NORMAL. there's nothing wrong with feeling it. it doesn't make you a bad person. the desire to run away from the situation is just your instinct telling you to preserve yourself, because it's too much for you to deal with right now. refer to item #2 - if you take breaks, you give your body and mind little vacations from the situation, so it doesn't all pile up.
5. THE GOOD STUFF
i'm thankful because my spouse has had a major impact on my confidence level and on the way that i think. he's helped me to be a better person. in the midst of all the sickness, what little he does speak to me about, has been extremely influential in my life. he's helped me to realise my weaknesses and my strengths. and for that, i will be ever grateful to him. we have an extremely deep connection that's hard to break, but sometimes becomes forgotten (at least i forget) in between all the sickness and moods and quarrels.
he deals with off-the-charts levels of pain on a daily basis. so when i have a flu, i get my ass up and do what i need to do. his sickness has put a lot of things in perspective for me.
including the fact that there are worse things than death.
so what are the "good things" about your relationship? how has your spouse been there for you? helped you through something? don't forget the good things.
so that's my take on things. i know everyone's situation may not be the same, and there are some sick spouses who may not deal with their sickness as well as my spouse does. for everything he has to deal with, i must say i still feel his love for me, very present. i can understand that living with a sick spouse who resents you and constantly resents the situation and doesn't show you any love, can be very difficult, and maybe my advice may not work in this case.
but if your situation is similar to mine and you're so frustrated that you want to run away, play out how it will go... try to see how you will feel when this person is missing from your life. and if you feel relieved, then just take a damn vacation and then come back home to your spouse.
p.s. i have not figured out how to still be into sex with my spouse. i love him and i want to have sex with him, but i am turned off by seeing him sick all the time. us having sex also depends on his mood and level of pain, so it isn't often that we do. but when he's ready, i would like to be more into it... just can't wrap my head around everything and still be turned on enough to want it. i'd appreciate any advice here.
Comment Reply
ok, there are a lot of threads from the original message, too many to read through, so i'm posting about the issue - living with/being married to/in a relationship with a sick spouse.
in my situation, i'm the non-sick spouse.
i've read persons saying that if you're the non-sick spouse, to quit making things about you. while i agree that this is selfish, it's also inevitable. when you enter into a relationship, there are expectations that come with it. even if the person was sick to begin with, you never really know what you're dealing with until you journey with them as their sickness progresses. it may start off as the sick spouse not being able to go out with you, and you may be ok with that, but then as time progresses, they are unable to have sex with you, unable to comfort you when you need it, etc. etc. physical sickness almost often comes with emotional problems - depression, anger, lack of sex drive, mood swings. etc. and most of the non-sick better halves do not realise that this is what they're getting into.
all these things are understandable - i cannot for one second imagine what my spouse goes through, and i am extremely proud of him that he keeps fighting. i admire him and i love him, but there are expectations that are not being fulfilled. and while saying that may sound, or may even be selfish, it's reality.
in my situation, i know that my spouse loves me. because of his will to keep fighting. like many of the testimonies here, his sickness is not really treatable and medication hasn't been able to control it very well. every day, something else goes wrong. his condition is constantly deteriorating. that being said, there are days when he cannot speak to me, cannot be around me, and all he can manage is to try to take care of himself.
not everyone is cut out for being with a sick spouse. it takes A LOT of patience and you have to put aside your expectations of what society has made a relationship out to be. so for those of you non-sick spouses who think you are up for it, here are some of the things i've learnt that have helped me.
(i do not intentionally mean to insult any sick spouses. if i have, then please forgive me - i did not mean to. you will also find me over-using the term "sick spouse", but it's just to differentiate between sick and non-sick)
1. DO NOT COMPARE YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO ANYONE ELSE'S
looking at "normal" peoples' relationships and comparing yours to theirs is a recipe for disaster. you are NOT in a normal relationship. your situation is NOT normal. so you cannot compare.
how wonderful it is that your best friend's spouse goes out with her/him all the time and they have so much fun and they post all their pics on facebook and they look so happy... why can't you have this?
wanting it is normal - and there's nothing wrong with wanting it. but your sitatuation is not normal. and if you're in a relationship where your sick spouse really does love you, if he COULD do it for you, he WOULD. you have to understand the sick person's capabilities. and i stress CAPABILITY, not desire. capability and desire are two completely different things. understand that your spouse WANTS to do these things with you, but CAN'T.
2. TAKE BREAKS - AS OFTEN AS YOU NEED THEM
i feel like i live in a hospital. when you think about it, that's really what it is because our home has become this place where he is always sick and i'm always trying to take care of him. at least, that's how i feel.
my spouse is the kind of person who loves when i'm around. but at the same time he's understanding that i need a break from the situation. and when you're explaining this to your sick spouse, please stress the break is from the SITUATION, and not from HIM/HER.
i know that people on the outside looking in think i'm a selfish bastard for leaving him for a few hours to go watch a movie by myself, or checking myself into a hotel for a night, or putting a tv in another room so i can get lost in a tv show there without him around, or even sleeping on a different bed when the situation gets to be too much for me. but screw these people who think i'm selfish... all i'm doing is taking breaks so that i can be better at being there for him.
i'm sure he also feels like i'm neglecting him, but if i'm constantly there for him and don't take time-outs from the situation, i get extremely frustrated and exhausted to the point where i want to run away, permanently. taking breaks is how i keep sane.
3. BE OK WITH SPENDING TIME BY YOURSELF - STILL DO THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY
being with a sick spouse is a very lonely life. so if you're someone who constantly needs attention, or can't do anything independently, that life is not for you.
i look at needing less attention as my growth to being more independent. when i'm able to do things on my own that make me happy, i'm more confident and self-sufficient. of course, it's SO much better if you can share these things with the person you love. but refer back to my statement in #1 about capability vs. desire. if he could, he'd be there with me. he once told me that i need to keep doing the things i need to do to be happy.
so whatever your passion is, don't give it up because your spouse can't do it with you. if it's singing, join a choir. if it's hiking, join a hike group. if it's scuba diving, join a dive group. you get my point.
it's important that you do or continue to do these things that make you happy. you being happy means your in a better frame of mind to interact with your spouse. that makes him/her happy, and everyone happy.
4. IGNORE THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND
if you really love your spouse and want to stay with him/her and want to make things work, you need to ignore the people who do not understand the situation.
no one will understand the situation like you do because you're the one living in it.
everyone will want to give you advice on how to deal with things. friends will want to know why you haven't left him/her yet, and others will be appalled that you're thinking of leaving him/her.
don't hold it against people if they don't understand - sickness difficult to understand. it's not just a matter of googling "cancer" or "MS" or any other sickness. i live in the situation and i STILL don't fully understand. even your sick spouse doesn't fully understand what's happening. so don't expect outsiders to understand.
you have to sift through the negative and positive comments and take away what you need to. i remember calling a friend in tears saying i wanted to "run away" from the situation and her response was "i think you should". i got angry with this friend, because all i wanted was comfort - i didn't want her to support any particular decision. but everyone is entitled to their opinion, and i did call for advice.
i remember calling a different friend some time later and saying the same thing "i want to run away". and she asked me "why?" she didn't take a side. all she did was ask me the right question for me to think through my own feelings. and slowly i began to realize that i could do this process on my own. and so i've realised that wanting to run away is NORMAL. there's nothing wrong with feeling it. it doesn't make you a bad person. the desire to run away from the situation is just your instinct telling you to preserve yourself, because it's too much for you to deal with right now. refer to item #2 - if you take breaks, you give your body and mind little vacations from the situation, so it doesn't all pile up.
5. THE GOOD STUFF
i'm thankful because my spouse has had a major impact on my confidence level and on the way that i think. he's helped me to be a better person. in the midst of all the sickness, what little he does speak to me about, has been extremely influential in my life. he's helped me to realise my weaknesses and my strengths. and for that, i will be ever grateful to him. we have an extremely deep connection that's hard to break, but sometimes becomes forgotten (at least i forget) in between all the sickness and moods and quarrels.
he deals with off-the-charts levels of pain on a daily basis. so when i have a flu, i get my ass up and do what i need to do. his sickness has put a lot of things in perspective for me.
including the fact that there are worse things than death.
so what are the "good things" about your relationship? how has your spouse been there for you? helped you through something? don't forget the good things.
so that's my take on things. i know everyone's situation may not be the same, and there are some sick spouses who may not deal with their sickness as well as my spouse does. for everything he has to deal with, i must say i still feel his love for me, very present. i can understand that living with a sick spouse who resents you and constantly resents the situation and doesn't show you any love, can be very difficult, and maybe my advice may not work in this case.
but if your situation is similar to mine and you're so frustrated that you want to run away, play out how it will go... try to see how you will feel when this person is missing from your life. and if you feel relieved, then just take a damn vacation and then come back home to your spouse.
p.s. i have not figured out how to still be into sex with my spouse. i love him and i want to have sex with him, but i am turned off by seeing him sick all the time. us having sex also depends on his mood and level of pain, so it isn't often that we do. but when he's ready, i would like to be more into it... just can't wrap my head around everything and still be turned on enough to want it. i'd appreciate any advice here.
best,
September 25, 2015 - 8:51amAnn
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