My husband has been chronically ill for the past 9 years. He had a lot of terrible symtoms, but no doctor has been able to find a diagnosis. We got married about a year ago, and I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. At the time, he was doing fairly well with coping with his symptoms and he had just gotten a new job. I envisioned figuring out ways to make life more comfortable and exciting for him. We had a plan for how we would work around his illness.
3 months into our marriage, he took a huge turn for the worst. He can barely function on his own. I do everything for him - make all his meals, walk him to and from the bathroom, even help him shower. All the while he plays video games to keep his mind off the pain. He isn't working, and I have had to take an extended leave from work to help him. Now it looks like I could lose my job. We can't afford a caretaker and don't have any family or friends who can help so I can go to work.
I am absolutely miserable and keep thinking I made a mistake in marrying him, but then I feel guilty for thinking that. I am only 23 and have completely stopped everything for him. I should be graduating college this year and had just gotten a new promotion at work, but everything has been put on hold to be there for him. I love traveling and have a huge desire to see the world, but now I'm confined to where we live. I can't even eat a normal diet because he has severe food allergies and we can't risk cross-contamination. On top of that, we fight ALL the time because he is in so much pain and i get so scared and depressed. Sometimes I think about how if I just left him, I could go back to work, graduate college, and get out of debt so I can travel the world. But I feel like such a terrible wife for thinking that when I know he is in pain and agony every second of the day. And I don't think he could survive without me.
I get so scared that life will just continue on like this. I feel like I've thrown my life away for him. And yet, I know I love him and need to be there for him as much as I can. I feel so much guilt for being so selfish, yet I resent him for the life we have to live, even though it's not his fault.
I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe get some comfort for feeling this way. He knows I feel this way, because he is really good at reading me, but I try so hard to hide it so he won't be so hurt.
Comment Reply
My husband has been chronically ill for the past 9 years. He had a lot of terrible symtoms, but no doctor has been able to find a diagnosis. We got married about a year ago, and I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. At the time, he was doing fairly well with coping with his symptoms and he had just gotten a new job. I envisioned figuring out ways to make life more comfortable and exciting for him. We had a plan for how we would work around his illness.
3 months into our marriage, he took a huge turn for the worst. He can barely function on his own. I do everything for him - make all his meals, walk him to and from the bathroom, even help him shower. All the while he plays video games to keep his mind off the pain. He isn't working, and I have had to take an extended leave from work to help him. Now it looks like I could lose my job. We can't afford a caretaker and don't have any family or friends who can help so I can go to work.
I am absolutely miserable and keep thinking I made a mistake in marrying him, but then I feel guilty for thinking that. I am only 23 and have completely stopped everything for him. I should be graduating college this year and had just gotten a new promotion at work, but everything has been put on hold to be there for him. I love traveling and have a huge desire to see the world, but now I'm confined to where we live. I can't even eat a normal diet because he has severe food allergies and we can't risk cross-contamination. On top of that, we fight ALL the time because he is in so much pain and i get so scared and depressed. Sometimes I think about how if I just left him, I could go back to work, graduate college, and get out of debt so I can travel the world. But I feel like such a terrible wife for thinking that when I know he is in pain and agony every second of the day. And I don't think he could survive without me.
I get so scared that life will just continue on like this. I feel like I've thrown my life away for him. And yet, I know I love him and need to be there for him as much as I can. I feel so much guilt for being so selfish, yet I resent him for the life we have to live, even though it's not his fault.
I just needed to get this off my chest and maybe get some comfort for feeling this way. He knows I feel this way, because he is really good at reading me, but I try so hard to hide it so he won't be so hurt.
May 14, 2016 - 8:02pmThis Comment
Reply