I have been married to him for 48 years. I was raised in the era of being a "good girl". ...a pleaser. Don't make waves and keep your mouth shut about things that bother you. Two children who were damaged by his emotional abuse of them and me. The guilt I carry is crushing. But I did love aspects of him. He could be kind and generous. Anyway, I stayed. Felt that it was my karma and he was my true teacher of patient forbearance. And I had made vows. Anyway, he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Not so bad...take care of yourself, eat right, exercise. He did all that and then stopped. Wouldn't take medication or eventually insulin. No one was going to dictate to him how to live. Heart attack, pacemaker, great toe amputation, sepsis. Peripheral neuropathy so severe he is crying with the pain as it plagues him for days. Walking with a cane as he cannot feel his feet. He is 68 and looks 78. Oh and no sex life due to Peronies disease...deformed penis...diagnosis 10 years ago. The way he ended our sex life still infuriates me.
Oh it gets worse. Me quitting a job I loved to care for our 39 year old son with mental health issues. Moving to another town in which I own a home to do so because my husband doesn't want to deal with said son. Then we decide we need to sell the house we have lived in for 40 years which he has filled with hoarded things...paper, tools, old computers, office equipment, building supplies...etc. And he wants to take his time to touch each item and weigh whether he can give it up because he may need it some day. A year later and the house is still jammed with his stuff and he is so ill and weak he can't do the work. But, by god, no one else is going to touch his stuff and make any decisions for him. I am back in this hell hole after living for a year in the home I own in another town, to care for my husband through another illness. He is angry most of the time and says he feels justified because he is ill. I am nearly empty...I do not know how much more I can do. I am only 67 and want so much to have a real life. I feel bereft that I have no compassion for him any longer and no love. I feel only obligation. I am currently healthy but feel my mental and physical health are collapsing. What to do?
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I have been married to him for 48 years. I was raised in the era of being a "good girl". ...a pleaser. Don't make waves and keep your mouth shut about things that bother you. Two children who were damaged by his emotional abuse of them and me. The guilt I carry is crushing. But I did love aspects of him. He could be kind and generous. Anyway, I stayed. Felt that it was my karma and he was my true teacher of patient forbearance. And I had made vows. Anyway, he was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. Not so bad...take care of yourself, eat right, exercise. He did all that and then stopped. Wouldn't take medication or eventually insulin. No one was going to dictate to him how to live. Heart attack, pacemaker, great toe amputation, sepsis. Peripheral neuropathy so severe he is crying with the pain as it plagues him for days. Walking with a cane as he cannot feel his feet. He is 68 and looks 78. Oh and no sex life due to Peronies disease...deformed penis...diagnosis 10 years ago. The way he ended our sex life still infuriates me.
July 16, 2017 - 10:14pmOh it gets worse. Me quitting a job I loved to care for our 39 year old son with mental health issues. Moving to another town in which I own a home to do so because my husband doesn't want to deal with said son. Then we decide we need to sell the house we have lived in for 40 years which he has filled with hoarded things...paper, tools, old computers, office equipment, building supplies...etc. And he wants to take his time to touch each item and weigh whether he can give it up because he may need it some day. A year later and the house is still jammed with his stuff and he is so ill and weak he can't do the work. But, by god, no one else is going to touch his stuff and make any decisions for him. I am back in this hell hole after living for a year in the home I own in another town, to care for my husband through another illness. He is angry most of the time and says he feels justified because he is ill. I am nearly empty...I do not know how much more I can do. I am only 67 and want so much to have a real life. I feel bereft that I have no compassion for him any longer and no love. I feel only obligation. I am currently healthy but feel my mental and physical health are collapsing. What to do?
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