Hi, Alison, and thank you for responding to my plea for help . It took a while before the response showed up on my e-mail, but I have since joined Empowher as a member. You asked if my husband is meeting my needs in other areas, i.e. attention, communication, emotional connection understanding and love. I reflected on this for some time and am very sorry to say that quite often he is not. He can be very distant at times, bordering on cold. He is bi-polar and does take medications (prozac, lithium, the highest allowable dose of neurontin and tricor for a pre-diabetic condition). I think he often "tweeks" his meds according to how he's feeling, esp. the neurontin. He is often edgy and irritable and at times, I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells, adjusting and censoring what I say and how I say it so as not to set off one of his "moods".
In reviewing my situation, I can see that sex is only one facet of the problem I am dealing with in this marriage. The "uncontrollable urge" is not all I think about and it seems to cycle right along with my husbands moods! As another woman mentioned, I do become more aroused during and after an argument. I think it must be frustration and anxiety triggering the sexual response. It's not sex, per se, that I am desiring so much as the feeling of closeness which seems to be missing. There seems to be a wall between us so very often. I know deep down he loves me, though he is having a very difficult time expressing it. My needs, when I express them, seem to make him angry. He says things like, "I guess I'm not enough for you". We have sought counseling from our pastor (just had a session this Sunday after church) but he tends to get up and walk away if he hears something he doesn't like.
I am sure there is much I can do to change. I can take care of a lot of my needs myself by connecting and finding love with other people in my life (friends, my 2 grown children). I can try not to allow his moods to have such an effect on me and I DO try. When he is angry with me over other issues, he often withholds sex and all other forms of attention for that matter, as a form of "punishment". I am tired of getting to the point of frustration that I am actually begging him to open up and communicate his needs. It feels demeaning which turns into resentment and bitterness. I know I'm jumping around a lot. Perhaps I need to "lighten up" and go with the flow. It is so much easier said than done. We does enjoy being caressed when we get into bed at night. He just lies on his back and I touch his belly and chest, give him full-body massages,etc. That is very one-sided. He also enjoys receiving oral sex. When it comes to my needs, however, he's too tired or not in the mood. It's been over a month since we've made love. He does NOT like me to initiate sex at all and twice in the past month, he did initiate it and then, out of the blue STOPPED right in the middle with no explanation why. He does not like to be questioned as to his motives. He wants what he wants when and how he wants it. I do not know what to do to get past his unwillingness to communicate, sexually or otherwise. I guess anxiety is my main problem and I've noticed it in the sexual arousal area because that has been so blatantly obvious. I really don't want sex just for the sake of having sex. I want to be "made love" to. That is what is missing, it's just manifesting itself as sexual arousal. I'd appreciate any input on what to do. Thanks so much.
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Hi, Alison, and thank you for responding to my plea for help . It took a while before the response showed up on my e-mail, but I have since joined Empowher as a member. You asked if my husband is meeting my needs in other areas, i.e. attention, communication, emotional connection understanding and love. I reflected on this for some time and am very sorry to say that quite often he is not. He can be very distant at times, bordering on cold. He is bi-polar and does take medications (prozac, lithium, the highest allowable dose of neurontin and tricor for a pre-diabetic condition). I think he often "tweeks" his meds according to how he's feeling, esp. the neurontin. He is often edgy and irritable and at times, I feel as though I'm walking on eggshells, adjusting and censoring what I say and how I say it so as not to set off one of his "moods".
In reviewing my situation, I can see that sex is only one facet of the problem I am dealing with in this marriage. The "uncontrollable urge" is not all I think about and it seems to cycle right along with my husbands moods! As another woman mentioned, I do become more aroused during and after an argument. I think it must be frustration and anxiety triggering the sexual response. It's not sex, per se, that I am desiring so much as the feeling of closeness which seems to be missing. There seems to be a wall between us so very often. I know deep down he loves me, though he is having a very difficult time expressing it. My needs, when I express them, seem to make him angry. He says things like, "I guess I'm not enough for you". We have sought counseling from our pastor (just had a session this Sunday after church) but he tends to get up and walk away if he hears something he doesn't like.
I am sure there is much I can do to change. I can take care of a lot of my needs myself by connecting and finding love with other people in my life (friends, my 2 grown children). I can try not to allow his moods to have such an effect on me and I DO try. When he is angry with me over other issues, he often withholds sex and all other forms of attention for that matter, as a form of "punishment". I am tired of getting to the point of frustration that I am actually begging him to open up and communicate his needs. It feels demeaning which turns into resentment and bitterness. I know I'm jumping around a lot. Perhaps I need to "lighten up" and go with the flow. It is so much easier said than done. We does enjoy being caressed when we get into bed at night. He just lies on his back and I touch his belly and chest, give him full-body massages,etc. That is very one-sided. He also enjoys receiving oral sex. When it comes to my needs, however, he's too tired or not in the mood. It's been over a month since we've made love. He does NOT like me to initiate sex at all and twice in the past month, he did initiate it and then, out of the blue STOPPED right in the middle with no explanation why. He does not like to be questioned as to his motives. He wants what he wants when and how he wants it. I do not know what to do to get past his unwillingness to communicate, sexually or otherwise. I guess anxiety is my main problem and I've noticed it in the sexual arousal area because that has been so blatantly obvious. I really don't want sex just for the sake of having sex. I want to be "made love" to. That is what is missing, it's just manifesting itself as sexual arousal. I'd appreciate any input on what to do. Thanks so much.
July 14, 2009 - 8:49amThis Comment
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