About a month ago, my wife of almost three years broke down and admitted to me that about four years ago she was raped by an ex boyfriend. Up until that point, our sex life was pretty much nonexistent (we'd still do other things, trading sexual favors, oral sex, what have you) but the very few times we would have sex it would be awkward (me being a virgin up until marrying her), painful for her (which I didn't exactly understand at the time as I'm somewhat not so well endowed), and very quick (once she more or less seemed to submit and take it, I would be done relatively quickly with pain faces and a slight overall look of sadness from her) at the time all of those problems were extremely confusing for me as I thought it was all simply part of the process to a normal sexual relationship and I feel horrible thinking back at what she must have gone throughis just to make me happy. Since she's told me, we've talked about it, I've read a lot of articles to try and do what I can to make her feel better about this, we're currently in the process of finding a good counselor to talk to but it seems to me that even though she says she wants to get past this and has gone along with seeing a couple people about it (none of them really helped but we're both new to this process as well) but it seems like she doesn't want to do anything about it. She's always been that way, shy and timid and most things we want I have to initiate otherwise she never would. I'm trying to balance my wanting of her to feel comfortable by not pushing her towards anything but I'm scared that if I just leave it up to her that she'll never take initiative and we'll be doomed to being affected by what happened to her forever. All I want is for her to break free from that affect her ex put on her life (which pops up more minutely in other areas of her life, I believe but most predominately in our sexual life. It also doesn't help that I feel horribly inadequate, I've already got a small member, and the fact that I can't please my wife with anything but my hand is depressing... sorry about the rant. This is a very confusing time in our life.
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About a month ago, my wife of almost three years broke down and admitted to me that about four years ago she was raped by an ex boyfriend. Up until that point, our sex life was pretty much nonexistent (we'd still do other things, trading sexual favors, oral sex, what have you) but the very few times we would have sex it would be awkward (me being a virgin up until marrying her), painful for her (which I didn't exactly understand at the time as I'm somewhat not so well endowed), and very quick (once she more or less seemed to submit and take it, I would be done relatively quickly with pain faces and a slight overall look of sadness from her) at the time all of those problems were extremely confusing for me as I thought it was all simply part of the process to a normal sexual relationship and I feel horrible thinking back at what she must have gone throughis just to make me happy. Since she's told me, we've talked about it, I've read a lot of articles to try and do what I can to make her feel better about this, we're currently in the process of finding a good counselor to talk to but it seems to me that even though she says she wants to get past this and has gone along with seeing a couple people about it (none of them really helped but we're both new to this process as well) but it seems like she doesn't want to do anything about it. She's always been that way, shy and timid and most things we want I have to initiate otherwise she never would. I'm trying to balance my wanting of her to feel comfortable by not pushing her towards anything but I'm scared that if I just leave it up to her that she'll never take initiative and we'll be doomed to being affected by what happened to her forever. All I want is for her to break free from that affect her ex put on her life (which pops up more minutely in other areas of her life, I believe but most predominately in our sexual life. It also doesn't help that I feel horribly inadequate, I've already got a small member, and the fact that I can't please my wife with anything but my hand is depressing... sorry about the rant. This is a very confusing time in our life.
February 23, 2015 - 4:29pmThis Comment
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