To the Daughter of the 70 year old bulimic mother and difficult personality grandmother,
I do feel for you. Please believe that. I also have lived with family members with eating disorders. I also had a strong willed and opinionated grandmother who, as much as I loved and admired her in certain respects, I also found her difficult (and hard for my mother as well). I can relate to much in your post.
I obviously don't know your relatives and am not in a position to make judgments. But let me re-frame this a bit if I might.
Often times I think it can appear that a family may be trying to control a child (an adult one even) or overly involved with a child. It could be easy to assume "boundary violations"(e.g., over-control, over-involvement, over-protection, high expression of emotions or maybe even difficulty expressing one's feelings) caused an individual to develop an eating disorder. But, when a child suffers from an eating disorder, I would suggest that the opposite could also be true. It's the old chicken and egg dilemma. Which came first? Could it be that your loved one develop symptoms of an eating disorder which then brought out strong reactions from her family? Especially long ago at a time when these illnesses were poorly understood and barely treated?
Perhaps your Grandmother's reaction was born out of frustration and anger at her inability to help her daughter or stop the behavior--especially if she viewed the behavior as a 'choice' rather than an illness. Perhaps her own hurt, worry, confusion and anger bubbled over at times. Eating disorders are difficult for everyone, all around. There was (and often still is) shame and guilt associated with eating disorders for both sufferers and families.
I can't know the dynamics in your family. However, it may be that there is more than one angle, one way of looking at it.
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To the Daughter of the 70 year old bulimic mother and difficult personality grandmother,
I do feel for you. Please believe that. I also have lived with family members with eating disorders. I also had a strong willed and opinionated grandmother who, as much as I loved and admired her in certain respects, I also found her difficult (and hard for my mother as well). I can relate to much in your post.
I obviously don't know your relatives and am not in a position to make judgments. But let me re-frame this a bit if I might.
Often times I think it can appear that a family may be trying to control a child (an adult one even) or overly involved with a child. It could be easy to assume "boundary violations"(e.g., over-control, over-involvement, over-protection, high expression of emotions or maybe even difficulty expressing one's feelings) caused an individual to develop an eating disorder. But, when a child suffers from an eating disorder, I would suggest that the opposite could also be true. It's the old chicken and egg dilemma. Which came first? Could it be that your loved one develop symptoms of an eating disorder which then brought out strong reactions from her family? Especially long ago at a time when these illnesses were poorly understood and barely treated?
Perhaps your Grandmother's reaction was born out of frustration and anger at her inability to help her daughter or stop the behavior--especially if she viewed the behavior as a 'choice' rather than an illness. Perhaps her own hurt, worry, confusion and anger bubbled over at times. Eating disorders are difficult for everyone, all around. There was (and often still is) shame and guilt associated with eating disorders for both sufferers and families.
I can't know the dynamics in your family. However, it may be that there is more than one angle, one way of looking at it.
anne
June 4, 2009 - 8:28pmThis Comment
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