The issue of boundaries has certainly struck a nerve! As I said, all that you wrote makes a lot of sense to me and speaks to my experience. I think that parents can be loving AND violate boundaries with their children. In my grandmother's case with my mother, the intrusion on my mother's sense of self was pretty blatant, my mother's boundary issues with me were more subtle and fell on the side of neglect. In both cases, my mother and I suffer, to varying degrees, from an unstable sense of self and feelings of low self worth. I've worked hard in therapy for years and have made progress. My mother, who never sought treatment for her bulima, often seems like an adolescent to me, stuck in the past with her mom. That's not to say she isn't kind, generous and loving, but her disease, which I see as a mental health issue, has compromised her sense of self, self-efficacy, self-esteem and discovery and fulfillment of her dreams and hugely impacted the quality of her relationship with her daughters.
Now that I am raising my own daughter, I've decided the buck stops with me. I'm interested in the prevention side of things, not treatment so much. My concern is helping mothers with bulimia understand that they can, and likely will, negatively impact their own child's development and increase the risk for passing on an eating disorder. I've lived this and talked to other women in similar situations. So, with my daughter, I see her as her own being and my job is to guide her and help her become the person she is meant to be. I work hard to keep my issues to myself, something I wish my mother had done with me, although I do think she tried.
Maybe some day there will be an organization for children of parents with eating disorders like there is for children of alcoholics. There do seem to be many similarities.
It is very striking to me that the mothers who have commented on this article are so offended and rejecting of the whole boundary issue. Perhaps it hits too close to home or perhaps the nature of anorexia is so frightening that something so intangible as boundary issues seems inconsequential and offensive. Parents need to be held accountable but it doesn't mean they are bad people. Families are ocmplicated and relationship patterns get passed down through generations uncommented on and unacknowledged. My sincere hope is that through my work in therapy and by writing about my experiences that I can stop those patterns from poisoning my daughter's life.
Thanks,
Carol
PS A book that was recommended to me as helpful for children of parents with an ED is called "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" by Nina Brown. I found it helpful.
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Dear Joanna,
The issue of boundaries has certainly struck a nerve! As I said, all that you wrote makes a lot of sense to me and speaks to my experience. I think that parents can be loving AND violate boundaries with their children. In my grandmother's case with my mother, the intrusion on my mother's sense of self was pretty blatant, my mother's boundary issues with me were more subtle and fell on the side of neglect. In both cases, my mother and I suffer, to varying degrees, from an unstable sense of self and feelings of low self worth. I've worked hard in therapy for years and have made progress. My mother, who never sought treatment for her bulima, often seems like an adolescent to me, stuck in the past with her mom. That's not to say she isn't kind, generous and loving, but her disease, which I see as a mental health issue, has compromised her sense of self, self-efficacy, self-esteem and discovery and fulfillment of her dreams and hugely impacted the quality of her relationship with her daughters.
Now that I am raising my own daughter, I've decided the buck stops with me. I'm interested in the prevention side of things, not treatment so much. My concern is helping mothers with bulimia understand that they can, and likely will, negatively impact their own child's development and increase the risk for passing on an eating disorder. I've lived this and talked to other women in similar situations. So, with my daughter, I see her as her own being and my job is to guide her and help her become the person she is meant to be. I work hard to keep my issues to myself, something I wish my mother had done with me, although I do think she tried.
Maybe some day there will be an organization for children of parents with eating disorders like there is for children of alcoholics. There do seem to be many similarities.
It is very striking to me that the mothers who have commented on this article are so offended and rejecting of the whole boundary issue. Perhaps it hits too close to home or perhaps the nature of anorexia is so frightening that something so intangible as boundary issues seems inconsequential and offensive. Parents need to be held accountable but it doesn't mean they are bad people. Families are ocmplicated and relationship patterns get passed down through generations uncommented on and unacknowledged. My sincere hope is that through my work in therapy and by writing about my experiences that I can stop those patterns from poisoning my daughter's life.
Thanks,
Carol
PS A book that was recommended to me as helpful for children of parents with an ED is called "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" by Nina Brown. I found it helpful.
June 5, 2009 - 9:53amThis Comment
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