I’ve been thinking about this ‘boundary’ issue. Between parent and child (or teen), the term ‘boundaries’ has a somewhat different connotation than it would between a therapist/patient.
Ideally, a parent needs to set, teach and model appropriate boundaries for their children in all areas of life--behavioral, verbal, physical, social, etc.
When a child ‘crosses a boundary’, the parent corrects the child in order to keep them safe, to teach them how to take care of themselves and how to negotiate and get along in life. Boundary ‘limits’ are set by parents dependent on the child’s age and developmental stage.
If you’ve a child, teen or even young adult that happens to show signs of a mental illness (an ED in the instance we’ve been talking about), what happens to boundaries? Do you perhaps violate a child’s boundaries by reading their diary if you fear they are self-harming, suicidal or abusing a substance? How do you handle issues around eating? Do you insist (lovingly) upon proper eating and full nutrition no matter what you see/hear from the child? Or, do you view it a ‘choice’ the child must make to eat—when, what, how much and even IF? In the case of a mentally healthy young person, there is room for flexibility, but even then parents typically give ‘controlled choices’ (boundaries/limits) within which children may make decisions. You may chose what you’d like to wear to school, but the ‘boundary’ is that it must be appropriate to the weather and appropriate to the school’s dress code. You may serve yourself what you’d like at dinner, but you must join the family for meals and must choose from among a variety of food groups. When a child/adolescent/teen becomes ill with an eating disorder, they regress both emotionally and physically. If depressed (and this is common) making even small decisions becomes very difficult and anxiety provoking.
At times (and this is a term I’ve heard somewhere, but maybe not in relation to parent/child relationships), you—as a responsible, loving parent--must cross boundaries. This is really different than an egregious violation such as verbal, physical or sexual abuse. Crossing boundaries is not necessarily a bad thing; in fact, in certain instances I would argue that it is absolutely crucial to the health and well being of an ill family member. If that member is incapable of setting their own boundaries and, as a result, is not taking care of themselves properly, is incapable of making decisions in their own best interest, and is held hostage by an illness (not eating, making themselves sick by purging, etc.), then crossing a boundary is the loving, right and ethical thing to do until that person is once again well enough to take on the job for themselves.
I don’t condone reading someone else’s diary. A confession here: I have done it once, at a time when my child began to withdraw socially from friends and family, when she began actively self-harming and starving and when she began making suicidal statements. Normally, this is not something I would ever do. I haven’t done it since (and there is no need, as she is doing much better). At the time, I was desperate for a better understanding of her mind. In reality, however, reading a few pages in her diary did not tell much more than I already knew with my own (disbelieving) eyes. The fact that she left her diary open, all over the house, seemed to me a not too subtle call for help in it’s own way. Did I feel good about it? No. Would I do it ever again? I can’t answer that. Each situation is so unique and presents it’s own ethical dilemma.
The closest I can come is to say that, inside me, I feel the difference between violating someone on a ‘sustained basis on every level’ and the real and urgent need to ‘cross boundaries’ for reasons of safety and health. Parents and family members need to be supported in doing this, and to do it both well and ethically. They also need to relinquish this just as soon as it is safe to do so.
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I’ve been thinking about this ‘boundary’ issue. Between parent and child (or teen), the term ‘boundaries’ has a somewhat different connotation than it would between a therapist/patient.
Ideally, a parent needs to set, teach and model appropriate boundaries for their children in all areas of life--behavioral, verbal, physical, social, etc.
When a child ‘crosses a boundary’, the parent corrects the child in order to keep them safe, to teach them how to take care of themselves and how to negotiate and get along in life. Boundary ‘limits’ are set by parents dependent on the child’s age and developmental stage.
If you’ve a child, teen or even young adult that happens to show signs of a mental illness (an ED in the instance we’ve been talking about), what happens to boundaries? Do you perhaps violate a child’s boundaries by reading their diary if you fear they are self-harming, suicidal or abusing a substance? How do you handle issues around eating? Do you insist (lovingly) upon proper eating and full nutrition no matter what you see/hear from the child? Or, do you view it a ‘choice’ the child must make to eat—when, what, how much and even IF? In the case of a mentally healthy young person, there is room for flexibility, but even then parents typically give ‘controlled choices’ (boundaries/limits) within which children may make decisions. You may chose what you’d like to wear to school, but the ‘boundary’ is that it must be appropriate to the weather and appropriate to the school’s dress code. You may serve yourself what you’d like at dinner, but you must join the family for meals and must choose from among a variety of food groups. When a child/adolescent/teen becomes ill with an eating disorder, they regress both emotionally and physically. If depressed (and this is common) making even small decisions becomes very difficult and anxiety provoking.
At times (and this is a term I’ve heard somewhere, but maybe not in relation to parent/child relationships), you—as a responsible, loving parent--must cross boundaries. This is really different than an egregious violation such as verbal, physical or sexual abuse. Crossing boundaries is not necessarily a bad thing; in fact, in certain instances I would argue that it is absolutely crucial to the health and well being of an ill family member. If that member is incapable of setting their own boundaries and, as a result, is not taking care of themselves properly, is incapable of making decisions in their own best interest, and is held hostage by an illness (not eating, making themselves sick by purging, etc.), then crossing a boundary is the loving, right and ethical thing to do until that person is once again well enough to take on the job for themselves.
I don’t condone reading someone else’s diary. A confession here: I have done it once, at a time when my child began to withdraw socially from friends and family, when she began actively self-harming and starving and when she began making suicidal statements. Normally, this is not something I would ever do. I haven’t done it since (and there is no need, as she is doing much better). At the time, I was desperate for a better understanding of her mind. In reality, however, reading a few pages in her diary did not tell much more than I already knew with my own (disbelieving) eyes. The fact that she left her diary open, all over the house, seemed to me a not too subtle call for help in it’s own way. Did I feel good about it? No. Would I do it ever again? I can’t answer that. Each situation is so unique and presents it’s own ethical dilemma.
The closest I can come is to say that, inside me, I feel the difference between violating someone on a ‘sustained basis on every level’ and the real and urgent need to ‘cross boundaries’ for reasons of safety and health. Parents and family members need to be supported in doing this, and to do it both well and ethically. They also need to relinquish this just as soon as it is safe to do so.
anne
June 9, 2009 - 12:55pmThis Comment
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