Hello Diane P,
Thank you SO much for replying.
I think that you are right in many of your points.
First of all, when we discuss the situation, I go for a completely non judgemental, non confrontational approach. I want him to listen to me not clam up. And though we haven't discussed how much is enough we have both come to the conclusion that right now isn't sufficient. He feels terribly about this so I tread VERY carefully. You cannot be to harsh when talking with a man about the bedroom not matter how understanding and compassionate to your needs he may be.
The lack of intimacy really started to become a problem when he took this job and I do feel defensive for wanting more.
While throughout our relationship I have been the decision maker, it is only now that I have started to resent that fact. Before, my husband gave me the physical and emotional support that allowed me to be the principle decision maker, the power house in the relationship and it worked, wonderfully.
But now I am still the decision maker but without the support I feel I need to be strong enough to take all the responsibility.
Some days I am optimistic and (not happy) but accepting of the realities of our situation. He is looking into leaving his current job, and all I need to do is be patient.
But on other days, that are becoming all too frequent, I wonder if this is want I want, to BE the decision maker. Maybe the lack of sex is just highlighting the lack of practical support I get from him day to day.
I know that this is unfair, that we complement each other and have similar life ambitions and we were so happy and could be again, it is just I deeply resent all of the sacrifices and demands that this relationship is putting on me. I am tired of being understanding, of feeling selfish and defensive. I am tired of being patient, of waiting for next month or next year when things will be better.
As for how much sex I feel is normal, if I were to qualify it, twice a week would be OK.
But for me its not the amount that I miss, it's the spontinaity, the joy of our lovemaking. Now, every come-on I make feels tentative. I have to be constantly prepared for rejection. And when I am succesful, I have to be ready for the disappointment that this time, again, we will only have sex as opposed to the connexion that I am really seeking.
If I do decide to start a family with this man, I don't want it to be timetabled, calculated. Making babies should be an extension of the love a couple feels for each other, of their passion and joy in the other's body even if it is only once or twice a month. Without that, you could have sex every day but in the end it would only be an exchange of genetic material.
One of the sacrifices I mentioned was moving to his country. While I have learnt enough of his language to be comfortable at the dining table, I don't feel confident enough to talk with a councillor. Something I would jump at if we lived in an English speaking country.
Right now I really don't know which way to jump. Is all of this just a passing phase or are the weaknesses in my marriage being highlighted.
Mainly, I am tired of not knowing which of the two is right, if either. I am unsure of everything, doubt myself and my husband and am having more and more trouble in maintaining my confidence that I can fix this. And lastly, something which hurts the most, I know I still love him but I could tell you for sure if I am still in love with him. I know my mother told me that marriage is difficult but should it really be this hard?
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Hello Diane P,
June 12, 2009 - 10:30amThank you SO much for replying.
I think that you are right in many of your points.
First of all, when we discuss the situation, I go for a completely non judgemental, non confrontational approach. I want him to listen to me not clam up. And though we haven't discussed how much is enough we have both come to the conclusion that right now isn't sufficient. He feels terribly about this so I tread VERY carefully. You cannot be to harsh when talking with a man about the bedroom not matter how understanding and compassionate to your needs he may be.
The lack of intimacy really started to become a problem when he took this job and I do feel defensive for wanting more.
While throughout our relationship I have been the decision maker, it is only now that I have started to resent that fact. Before, my husband gave me the physical and emotional support that allowed me to be the principle decision maker, the power house in the relationship and it worked, wonderfully.
But now I am still the decision maker but without the support I feel I need to be strong enough to take all the responsibility.
Some days I am optimistic and (not happy) but accepting of the realities of our situation. He is looking into leaving his current job, and all I need to do is be patient.
But on other days, that are becoming all too frequent, I wonder if this is want I want, to BE the decision maker. Maybe the lack of sex is just highlighting the lack of practical support I get from him day to day.
I know that this is unfair, that we complement each other and have similar life ambitions and we were so happy and could be again, it is just I deeply resent all of the sacrifices and demands that this relationship is putting on me. I am tired of being understanding, of feeling selfish and defensive. I am tired of being patient, of waiting for next month or next year when things will be better.
As for how much sex I feel is normal, if I were to qualify it, twice a week would be OK.
But for me its not the amount that I miss, it's the spontinaity, the joy of our lovemaking. Now, every come-on I make feels tentative. I have to be constantly prepared for rejection. And when I am succesful, I have to be ready for the disappointment that this time, again, we will only have sex as opposed to the connexion that I am really seeking.
If I do decide to start a family with this man, I don't want it to be timetabled, calculated. Making babies should be an extension of the love a couple feels for each other, of their passion and joy in the other's body even if it is only once or twice a month. Without that, you could have sex every day but in the end it would only be an exchange of genetic material.
One of the sacrifices I mentioned was moving to his country. While I have learnt enough of his language to be comfortable at the dining table, I don't feel confident enough to talk with a councillor. Something I would jump at if we lived in an English speaking country.
Right now I really don't know which way to jump. Is all of this just a passing phase or are the weaknesses in my marriage being highlighted.
Mainly, I am tired of not knowing which of the two is right, if either. I am unsure of everything, doubt myself and my husband and am having more and more trouble in maintaining my confidence that I can fix this. And lastly, something which hurts the most, I know I still love him but I could tell you for sure if I am still in love with him. I know my mother told me that marriage is difficult but should it really be this hard?
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