Could I Be pregnant?

Yes, stress could make you that late -- in fact, sometimes if you are seriously stressed out, which I know you are, you can even miss a period. Our hormones are so sensitive that they react to the things going on in our world, and it's quite possible to be one week, two weeks, three weeks late.

Can I ask why you haven't taken a home pregnancy test?

Hi. I tried to see a therapist but she just told me the same thing as everyone else around me has done and to be honest it got a bit expensive. There is a long waiting list for the doctor to refer me to a counsellow. It's been 9 days now and I still havent had my period. Surely stress can't make me that late? Thankyou for all your advice and support.I had a look at that website and it is very informative!

Anon, you sound like a kind, thoughtful, smart woman who's been in a bad situation for such a long time that she hardly recognizes it as being that bad.

Easy question first: No, if you got your period last month and you haven't had sex since then, you wouldn't be pregnant. You're just late, most likely due to all this stress.

I know how much you are hurting right now. But honestly, it is good that you are away from him. He has hit, kicked and bit you, he has hurt you on multiple occasions. Listen to me, doll -- this is NOT OK. This is not your fault, and it is NOT OK. It is not ok in society and it is not ok in private.

Abusers try to control their partners in all kinds of ways. With words, with actions, with guilt, with shame. They would often like to control everything about your life -- what you wear, who you see, who you are friends with, where you work, your money, and every other detail. By keeping you vulnerable, they show you that you need them. And then they hurt you physically. And one of the most harmful things they do is get you to believe that it's your fault, and that you don't deserve any better. So you stay, even after something bad happens. Then when things seemingly get better -- it happens again. And they are so so sorry that you go back again, and the cycle starts again.

So many women are affected this way that there is a syndrome named after it. It's the Battered Wives Syndrome, and it explains why women stay with their abusers long after they should have left. And even, like in your case, when there have been serious injuries and formal charges.

You are so not alone in this. It may feel that way, but you are not.

Here's a good page on why women stay in abusive relationships:

http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page4.html

Anon, can you see a therapist about all this? You need some help to sort it all out, and especially to stop thinking that you deserve this or that you caused it. Believe me, if you had met up with him on the Tuesday, it would have happened anyway. This is a violent man who believes in controlling the people he "loves." But please understand that he doesn't love you in the same way you love him. And he can't. Someone who is an abuser doesn't relate to the feelings of those he abuses in the same way you or I do.

You are worth so much more than this, Anon. You are a woman with a big heart and a big soul. You are smart and resourceful. This is the hardest part.

Get someone to talk to, like a counselor, OK? Do you need help doing that?

For the first year we were absolutely fine. We had out ups and downs but he was the nicest person. So caring. Then we had 1 big argument and he hit me. Basically we argued and I was going to go to a male friend's house. He weren't too happy with it and wanted to talk so I went around to his but he was waiting in the street for me. He ran towards my car and as I tried to drive away he jumped on the bonnet and wouldnt get off. He then got in to my car and he took my keys. His friends came as they were at his and tried to get him out of the car making the whole situation worse. He took my keys out of the ignition, banged my head on the steering wheel, kicked me and even bit me. My door handle got broken off in the process and as I went to drive away he smased the window with it. I did get away and to his parents house even though they didn't know about me and him still being together after he grabbed her by the throat. The police were called and he got arrested.

We started talking again and got back together. A few months afterwards, we argued, I stupidly followed him, we argued in the street and he took my keys and phone and started walking away telling me to leave him alone when he knew I couldnt go anywhere because he had my car keys and my phone. He then rang the police claiming if they didn't come and get me he would kill me. He then threw my keys and put my phone in a bin and walked away. The police arrested him after seeing the marks on me and then he got arrested and sent to prison on remand for a week. The night he came out he rang me and shortly after we got back together again but it had to be this 1 big secret because he had bail conditions not to contact me.

Whenever we would argue, he would always take my phone or keys and try and tell me it is all my fault etc. Yes I was jealous but he would always hide his phone etc towards the end of our relationship. I tried to stay strong even though we were still talking and seeing eachother. He ended up moving about 45 minute drive away which put some distance between us and he spent most of his time on a flirt website. I joined to see what the fuss was about because he told me he just wanted to meet friends on there and when I did, he found out and finished me yet again. We got back together yet again.

Last week was the court case (thursday) and I told him that I went through with the charges so that he could get help in controlling his temper. I think deep down he resented me for it but he said after the court case he wanted to make a fresh start and sort us out properly. I met up with a male friend on the monday before it and I couldn't answer the phone to him because he would go nuts knowing that I was with someone else so I had to make an excuse up as to why I didn't answer. On the tuesday we argued again and he asked to meet up but I couldn't meet up with him at the time he rang because I was cooking so I said no. At this poijnt he was very persistant and almost crying but I stood my ground. I told him I couldnt trust what he was going to do after he told me that day he had met up with an ex boyfriend of mine. ( I think he really went to see her) He met up with another girl (his now girlfriend) He used to be friends with her but he said he saw her with a friend of ours. That turned out to be a lie as he went to this place with her and he got seen by one of out mutual friends. That night we were fine. I didn't know any different.

The following day I found out from her via the internet that they were together. I stood my ground because this girl had tried to split us up before which is why they weren't talking. He then rang and told me to leave his girlfriend alone. Thursday came and he stayed with her for the following three nights. Even getting her to answer his phone when I wanted to find out what was going on. After that he moved back to his flat and he rang me last the day before yesterday. He seems to want to know what I'm doing and who I'm doing it with. I just don't understand because it all happened so quick.

I do really love him and I keep thinking if I had just met up with him on the tuesday then he wouldn't have got with her on the wednesday or even saw her on the tuesday night. He's changed his number but when he rang me it was off witheld so I didn't have it. I just feel so down :( thankyou for replying. Thinking about it, I don't think we did have sex this month so would there still be a chance of me being pregnant even though I came on last months?

Anon, I'm so sorry about this. What a rough thing to be going through.

Take heart in Susan's words -- YES, all that stress, as well as your different eating and sleeping patterns, can definitely affect your hormones and your cycle. If I were you I'd take a home pregnancy test, like she suggests, just to find out for sure what's going on (or what's not going on).

Of course you're not coping well. That's perfectly understandable. You've been in an abusive relationship, you had hope for it, and then you had the nasty shock of finding him being unfaithful to you. All of those things add up and your emotions are probably all over the place -- shock, sadness, anger. Here's what's going on, Anon, you're grieving. You're grieving for the loss of the relationship and you're grieving for the things you've been through with him.

Can you tell us what kind of abuse happened while he was there? Was it physical abuse, sexual, emotional? How long did it go on? How long have you been dealing with abuse in your life?

The symptoms of not wanting to eat and of needing to sleep all the time are symptoms of depression, which seems perfectly natural with what you've been through. Tell me, have you ever seen a counselor about the abuse or about this relationship? Do you have someone you can talk to about all this who can be objective?

Honestly, while this may seem a little harsh in terms of where you are right now, if he abused you then I'm glad he's gone. You're worth more than that. He will, most likely, go back to those same patterns with the new woman after their "honeymoon period" wears off. That's what abusers do. They need to control the people they are with, and when they can't control them, they get angrier and angrier. Is that what you experienced?

Here's a website on recognizing abuse, and the effects of it:

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=2

Take care, Anon. Your head feels messed up because you're trying to sort all this out. Please realize that an abuser will say or do anything he needs to to control people. Yes, he can tell you he loves you one day and tell someone else that he loves her the next day. You know why? Because an abuser doesn't REALLY know how to love.

Your job right now is to shut them out and take care of yourself. Do you have a sister, a mom, a close friend you can go to for support? Would you like help finding a therapist who could help you sort things out? The most important thing for you is to realize that he may come back, in time, and you want to know how to deal with that situation if and when it occurs.

Take care, Anon. We are here for you at EmpowHer. Please write back.