Anon, thank you so much for writing back. Yes, you did a great job. I understand much more what you're feeling now.
I'm proud of you that you broke up with him when you did. That took strength and belief in yourself, which is awesome. And I'm glad you're taking care of yourself better now. Stress and a lack of nutrition is huge, in both how we look and feel.
You sound very pretty to me, and I'm imagining that how you feel actually has little to do with how you look. To hear you describe your skin as "radiant" and your body as "perfect" is wonderful. Now let's go the next step.
While you loved your boyfriend, let's be truthful -- he was seeing you while he was seeing someone else. So he's not that perfect either. He may be the kind of guy that is more about himself than the person he is with, and he wanted you to look your best while you were with him. I worry for his fiancee -- is she perfect? Is he now telling her what to eat or what to do to herself to make herself better?
"Feeling pretty" should be about what you feel inside -- and what you can see in the mirror -- not about what others tell you. Let's say one day you wear your coolest jeans, a great top, new shoes, and your face and hair look fabulous. You walk out the door, go downtown and get whistles and compliments all day.
A week later, you wear the exact same clothes, feel the exact same way, and go the exact same places. But you don't get whistles or compliments. Have you gotten less pretty? No. Do you feel less pretty? Probably. Because whether we like it or not, we are so keyed in to others' approval that we let it go to far about defining how we feel about ourselves.
I want you to remember this first love as someone who saw good things in you and someone you cared deeply about. In five years, 10 years, 20 years, when you remember your first love, I don't want you to say "he's the one who told me my face wasn't pretty." I want you to be able to say "He's the first guy I ever loved. He was funny, and sweet, and I learned a lot from being with him."
Your first love isn't your true love. Your true love will be attracted to you -- maybe because you're pretty, or maybe because you're smart, or maybe because you made him laugh. Your first love is just your first. You won't ever forget him, but the things he said will fade in time.
He's just not right about the pretty thing, ok? He said some things that helped you when you were down and sick and stressed, which you appreciated. But you've taken it a little farther than he intended, I think.
Are you wishing you were still with him? Are you somehow thinking, way down deep inside, that maybe if you were "prettier" that he would be with you and not with her? Because if that's what it feels like, that's OK. I think it's normal to miss someone after a breakup, ESPECIALLY a first love. But it was the right thing to do. And that makes you even prettier, in my view.
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Anon, thank you so much for writing back. Yes, you did a great job. I understand much more what you're feeling now.
I'm proud of you that you broke up with him when you did. That took strength and belief in yourself, which is awesome. And I'm glad you're taking care of yourself better now. Stress and a lack of nutrition is huge, in both how we look and feel.
You sound very pretty to me, and I'm imagining that how you feel actually has little to do with how you look. To hear you describe your skin as "radiant" and your body as "perfect" is wonderful. Now let's go the next step.
While you loved your boyfriend, let's be truthful -- he was seeing you while he was seeing someone else. So he's not that perfect either. He may be the kind of guy that is more about himself than the person he is with, and he wanted you to look your best while you were with him. I worry for his fiancee -- is she perfect? Is he now telling her what to eat or what to do to herself to make herself better?
"Feeling pretty" should be about what you feel inside -- and what you can see in the mirror -- not about what others tell you. Let's say one day you wear your coolest jeans, a great top, new shoes, and your face and hair look fabulous. You walk out the door, go downtown and get whistles and compliments all day.
A week later, you wear the exact same clothes, feel the exact same way, and go the exact same places. But you don't get whistles or compliments. Have you gotten less pretty? No. Do you feel less pretty? Probably. Because whether we like it or not, we are so keyed in to others' approval that we let it go to far about defining how we feel about ourselves.
I want you to remember this first love as someone who saw good things in you and someone you cared deeply about. In five years, 10 years, 20 years, when you remember your first love, I don't want you to say "he's the one who told me my face wasn't pretty." I want you to be able to say "He's the first guy I ever loved. He was funny, and sweet, and I learned a lot from being with him."
Your first love isn't your true love. Your true love will be attracted to you -- maybe because you're pretty, or maybe because you're smart, or maybe because you made him laugh. Your first love is just your first. You won't ever forget him, but the things he said will fade in time.
He's just not right about the pretty thing, ok? He said some things that helped you when you were down and sick and stressed, which you appreciated. But you've taken it a little farther than he intended, I think.
Are you wishing you were still with him? Are you somehow thinking, way down deep inside, that maybe if you were "prettier" that he would be with you and not with her? Because if that's what it feels like, that's OK. I think it's normal to miss someone after a breakup, ESPECIALLY a first love. But it was the right thing to do. And that makes you even prettier, in my view.
July 13, 2009 - 8:19amThis Comment
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