I think the key here is: he is satisfied with less. If he does not want his sex drive boosted, then it's not going to be boosted...no matter what "tricks of the trade" are suggested. Most of the ways to enhance sex drive are either: medications or behavioral therapies (both must have the other person wanting and willing to do these modifications).
May I ask you: how far apart are you two in your "ideal" sexual relationship? Are you focusing on just one aspect (frequency), where you two may differ the most? What other aspects of your sexual relationship do you agree and/or disagree? Perhaps if you start really picking apart the specifics of what you each want, you may not be that far apart..and there may be more room to compromise than you think.
For instance, an example scenario:
- You want sexual intercourse 4 days a week at least
- He is OK with sexual intercourse 1-2 days a week
How could you compromise in the above situation? Can you alternate weeks, and meet in the middle at 3 times per week sometimes; other times could be 1 time? Can you have sexual intercourse sometimes, and other times he "helps you" masturbate or other erotic sexual activity? The ideas and options are endless....
Another example scenario of communicating about the differences: Your reasoning for wanting sex more often than 2-3x per week: it feels good, it makes you feel closer to him, you want to have an orgasm, you feel bad or not intimate when sex is too far apart. His reasoning for wanting sex less often than 2-3x per week: it feels good, but feels better when there is time to rest in between. He enjoys other nights of being alone, being with friends, watching a movie with you instead of having to "perform".
Do you know the answers to the above questions? What is your and his average days/week that would be your ideal for sex (given a typical, non-stressful, average week). If you are very far apart in days...or just a day off...you can have the above conversation where there is no right/wrong answer. It can help you both understand and communicate your ideal sexual frequency (and, again, "frequency" is only but one small factor in all of the variables that pertain to your sexual relationship).
How long does each sexual encounter last? Are we talking minutes...or hours? Do you "settle" for a quickie at times, or does he have to "perform" at his top-level each time? What are you expecting from him? What does he expect from you? Where can you two compromise?
One thought to mention: you can certainly have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend, but also just wanted to rule out one other factor: do you want/need to have sex with him to feel loved or special? Do you feel like the physical intimacy is proof of your relationship?
A common scenario in couples' frustrations with physical intimacy may be that one partner feels overworked, overburdened or otherwise overstimulated in the relationship or other areas of their life. How can you help him feel relaxed, comforted and closer to you in a non-physical way? Just think of this scenario being gender-reversed: what would you tell your girlfriends if their boyfriend was "pressuring" them (as they would likely say) to have sex more often, and they have clearly said "no, thanks"? Would it be advisable that they take some "potion" to make them feel more aroused, or are there perhaps subtle things that their boyfriends can do to help get them in the mood? Be sweet and make dinner; give backrubs with nothing-in-return expected? Be physically intimate throughout the day (quick pinch, hand holding, smile, kiss) to help build up to the evening. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Hope some of this helps, while we wait for Dr. Klein to answer. I will also look in our archives and other sources, to see what I can find. Please let me know your thoughts on my above suggestions, as it will help me tailor the information to you!
(And, one other personal note: many of us have "been there" where we feel awful or confused [or self-conscious] because the man is stereotypically supposed to "want us" at any moment, and we wonder why we have more of a sex drive than the male. We wonder what is wrong with us/ the relationship; or what's wrong with him! Rarely is there a couple with both individuals experiencing the exact same sex drive, always at the exact same time, so please know this is normal.)
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I think the key here is: he is satisfied with less. If he does not want his sex drive boosted, then it's not going to be boosted...no matter what "tricks of the trade" are suggested. Most of the ways to enhance sex drive are either: medications or behavioral therapies (both must have the other person wanting and willing to do these modifications).
May I ask you: how far apart are you two in your "ideal" sexual relationship? Are you focusing on just one aspect (frequency), where you two may differ the most? What other aspects of your sexual relationship do you agree and/or disagree? Perhaps if you start really picking apart the specifics of what you each want, you may not be that far apart..and there may be more room to compromise than you think.
For instance, an example scenario:
- You want sexual intercourse 4 days a week at least
- He is OK with sexual intercourse 1-2 days a week
How could you compromise in the above situation? Can you alternate weeks, and meet in the middle at 3 times per week sometimes; other times could be 1 time? Can you have sexual intercourse sometimes, and other times he "helps you" masturbate or other erotic sexual activity? The ideas and options are endless....
Another example scenario of communicating about the differences:
Your reasoning for wanting sex more often than 2-3x per week: it feels good, it makes you feel closer to him, you want to have an orgasm, you feel bad or not intimate when sex is too far apart.
His reasoning for wanting sex less often than 2-3x per week: it feels good, but feels better when there is time to rest in between. He enjoys other nights of being alone, being with friends, watching a movie with you instead of having to "perform".
Do you know the answers to the above questions? What is your and his average days/week that would be your ideal for sex (given a typical, non-stressful, average week). If you are very far apart in days...or just a day off...you can have the above conversation where there is no right/wrong answer. It can help you both understand and communicate your ideal sexual frequency (and, again, "frequency" is only but one small factor in all of the variables that pertain to your sexual relationship).
How long does each sexual encounter last? Are we talking minutes...or hours? Do you "settle" for a quickie at times, or does he have to "perform" at his top-level each time? What are you expecting from him? What does he expect from you? Where can you two compromise?
One thought to mention: you can certainly have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend, but also just wanted to rule out one other factor: do you want/need to have sex with him to feel loved or special? Do you feel like the physical intimacy is proof of your relationship?
A common scenario in couples' frustrations with physical intimacy may be that one partner feels overworked, overburdened or otherwise overstimulated in the relationship or other areas of their life. How can you help him feel relaxed, comforted and closer to you in a non-physical way? Just think of this scenario being gender-reversed: what would you tell your girlfriends if their boyfriend was "pressuring" them (as they would likely say) to have sex more often, and they have clearly said "no, thanks"? Would it be advisable that they take some "potion" to make them feel more aroused, or are there perhaps subtle things that their boyfriends can do to help get them in the mood? Be sweet and make dinner; give backrubs with nothing-in-return expected? Be physically intimate throughout the day (quick pinch, hand holding, smile, kiss) to help build up to the evening. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Hope some of this helps, while we wait for Dr. Klein to answer. I will also look in our archives and other sources, to see what I can find. Please let me know your thoughts on my above suggestions, as it will help me tailor the information to you!
(And, one other personal note: many of us have "been there" where we feel awful or confused [or self-conscious] because the man is stereotypically supposed to "want us" at any moment, and we wonder why we have more of a sex drive than the male. We wonder what is wrong with us/ the relationship; or what's wrong with him! Rarely is there a couple with both individuals experiencing the exact same sex drive, always at the exact same time, so please know this is normal.)
August 2, 2009 - 6:32pmThis Comment
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