Jinny,
Something is missing in the communication between you two. I'm sorry you are going through this, but many, many women have asked this same question...so you are not alone.
Masturbation most likely has nothing to do with his having sex with you or not. Please take this out of the equation for now. Men (and women) masturbate for many reasons, and most of these individuals in healthy, loving and happy relationships ALSO want to have physical intimacy and sex with another person. No woman is going to be able to "compete" with a man's penis---it is always there, does not need time to "warm up", will not make any special requests. It is easy, quick and rewarding...up to a point.
So, if you're still following me, the real issue is lack-of-intimacy and communication. Take the "sex" out of the equation for just a moment (although this is relevant!), and really evaluate your relationship. Are you two physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, intellectually intimate together in other ways? My guess is, that "sex" is just the tip of the iceberg of something bigger going on in the relationship. This "something bigger" can be catastrophic and more difficult to resolve (affair), or it could be minor and easier to resolve (stress, hurt feelings, feeling overburdened).
Please assess your relationship with out the "sex", and certainly with the "masturbation" factors, and what do you have? What do you enjoy about the relationship, and what isn't working? Do you feel loved, respected, valued, cherished, physically intimate in other ways? Sex, ideally, would then be the icing-on-the-cake and not the only "proof" of all of these.
Lastly...the communication. Yes, I'm sure your boyfriend WANTS to want to have sex with you. Have you asked him what is holding him back? Is he afraid, jealous, tired, stressed? Is he angry at you and not sure how to communicate? Does he feel guilty or bad about something? Does he not feel "sexy" or other factor? Does he feel that it is too much work to perform sexually? Does he feel critiqued or judged in bed?
There are too many factors for me to brainstorm...but please talk with him without putting on the guilt, if you really want to listen and learn what is going on with him. Be open to there being a problem, and working through it. This process may take time; some people have a difficult time really, truly communicating complex emotions, so it may take months...but he also needs to try to communicate and not provide "blow-off" answers to you. If none of this works, counseling may be another great option to have a third person help you both communicate and open up to one another.
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Jinny,
Something is missing in the communication between you two. I'm sorry you are going through this, but many, many women have asked this same question...so you are not alone.
Masturbation most likely has nothing to do with his having sex with you or not. Please take this out of the equation for now. Men (and women) masturbate for many reasons, and most of these individuals in healthy, loving and happy relationships ALSO want to have physical intimacy and sex with another person. No woman is going to be able to "compete" with a man's penis---it is always there, does not need time to "warm up", will not make any special requests. It is easy, quick and rewarding...up to a point.
So, if you're still following me, the real issue is lack-of-intimacy and communication. Take the "sex" out of the equation for just a moment (although this is relevant!), and really evaluate your relationship. Are you two physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, intellectually intimate together in other ways? My guess is, that "sex" is just the tip of the iceberg of something bigger going on in the relationship. This "something bigger" can be catastrophic and more difficult to resolve (affair), or it could be minor and easier to resolve (stress, hurt feelings, feeling overburdened).
Please assess your relationship with out the "sex", and certainly with the "masturbation" factors, and what do you have? What do you enjoy about the relationship, and what isn't working? Do you feel loved, respected, valued, cherished, physically intimate in other ways? Sex, ideally, would then be the icing-on-the-cake and not the only "proof" of all of these.
Lastly...the communication. Yes, I'm sure your boyfriend WANTS to want to have sex with you. Have you asked him what is holding him back? Is he afraid, jealous, tired, stressed? Is he angry at you and not sure how to communicate? Does he feel guilty or bad about something? Does he not feel "sexy" or other factor? Does he feel that it is too much work to perform sexually? Does he feel critiqued or judged in bed?
There are too many factors for me to brainstorm...but please talk with him without putting on the guilt, if you really want to listen and learn what is going on with him. Be open to there being a problem, and working through it. This process may take time; some people have a difficult time really, truly communicating complex emotions, so it may take months...but he also needs to try to communicate and not provide "blow-off" answers to you. If none of this works, counseling may be another great option to have a third person help you both communicate and open up to one another.
good luck!
August 4, 2009 - 1:12pmThis Comment
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