Thank you all for your opinions. The entire reason why I turned to this site, is that I was very unsure about if I was over-reacting. I am 22 years old and have never encountered a situation like this. I have always been very open and non judgemental toward everyone, which is why he felt comfortable enough to tell me this stuff. I started to feel very uncomfortable when the fantasies escalated and did not want to alert him of my suspissions, as he's very unpredictable. I did not want to be another casualty of domestic abuse.
To make it clear, the "teen porn" is very legal. It is 19 to 22 year old girls who look, dress, and act very young. I have read a lot about fetishes and fantasies and incest is actually a very common fetish, but usually about siblings, cousins, etc. I thought it was just wierd at first, but believe that when two people are in a relationship, both should strive for a healthy relationship including sexual fantasies. When it started to escalate, I knew something was wrong, and that I needed to get out.
As some of you may know, when planning to leave an abusive relationship, things must be kept very secret, and everything has to be perfect on moving day (including getting him out of the house). He did attack me once and has smashed things of mine often, so this was the best way to leave for me. It took me a few months of back and forth arguing with myself about whether some of the problems were my fault, about being in love with him, and all of the other things that women go through in this situation. Finaly I got enough courage to do it, started hiding money (which was also hard to do), talking to friends and family to get the help I needed, and finding a new place to live.
He had no job when I was ready to leave, so my dad actually had to take him fishing to get him out of the house on moving day. I left on August 30th, and didn't look back. On September 19, 2009 I found out that I'm pregnant and seriously considered an abortion. I can't do that though. I have an excellent education and career, I have very supportive family and friends, and will be a great mom. An abortion is not justified.
I know that I can speak to his probation officer (he's on probation from when he attacked me) about this, but having a legal background myself, I know that they cannot do anything unless he has actually committed a crime. This is where I am afraid. If I tell them, they will confront him, and he will know I said something. The same with his daughter's mom, as she will confront him. I don't even know if she will believe me.
I am more concerned with how this could affect his daughter, and whether or not he will come looking for me once he knows I told someone. I will not be putting his name on the birth certificate, as I dont want him in our lives, and don't believe that any amount of child support is worth putting my child through the drama that he will cause. If he wants to contest that, he can try. I am very experienced in child support and custody issues within the court, as I am a paralegal specializing in family law. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about him doing something to his daughter when she starts to develop more (he's not into little kids, it's teens that he is attracted to), or finding me and doing something bad because I told someone. Going to the authorities was my first instinct, but knowing the legal system and how it works, there is nothing they can do except confront him until he has actually committed a crime. His probabtion officer may order sex counselling too.
I'm going to warn his daughter's mother for sure, but what will telling the cops do? I'm not sure that is the wisest thing to do, as I have no proof of this, and he technically has not committed a crime yet. I'm not sure if you are familiar with pedophile laws and punishment in Canada, but they are a joke. To bring this out into the open with no proof could turn into something very bad for everyone except him.
Thanks again for all of your help and support. I am going to take all of your advice and tell his daughter's mother, but I really need to think about telling the cops. I'm just so worried that it will cause more problems then they can possibly fix.
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Thank you all for your opinions. The entire reason why I turned to this site, is that I was very unsure about if I was over-reacting. I am 22 years old and have never encountered a situation like this. I have always been very open and non judgemental toward everyone, which is why he felt comfortable enough to tell me this stuff. I started to feel very uncomfortable when the fantasies escalated and did not want to alert him of my suspissions, as he's very unpredictable. I did not want to be another casualty of domestic abuse.
To make it clear, the "teen porn" is very legal. It is 19 to 22 year old girls who look, dress, and act very young. I have read a lot about fetishes and fantasies and incest is actually a very common fetish, but usually about siblings, cousins, etc. I thought it was just wierd at first, but believe that when two people are in a relationship, both should strive for a healthy relationship including sexual fantasies. When it started to escalate, I knew something was wrong, and that I needed to get out.
As some of you may know, when planning to leave an abusive relationship, things must be kept very secret, and everything has to be perfect on moving day (including getting him out of the house). He did attack me once and has smashed things of mine often, so this was the best way to leave for me. It took me a few months of back and forth arguing with myself about whether some of the problems were my fault, about being in love with him, and all of the other things that women go through in this situation. Finaly I got enough courage to do it, started hiding money (which was also hard to do), talking to friends and family to get the help I needed, and finding a new place to live.
He had no job when I was ready to leave, so my dad actually had to take him fishing to get him out of the house on moving day. I left on August 30th, and didn't look back. On September 19, 2009 I found out that I'm pregnant and seriously considered an abortion. I can't do that though. I have an excellent education and career, I have very supportive family and friends, and will be a great mom. An abortion is not justified.
I know that I can speak to his probation officer (he's on probation from when he attacked me) about this, but having a legal background myself, I know that they cannot do anything unless he has actually committed a crime. This is where I am afraid. If I tell them, they will confront him, and he will know I said something. The same with his daughter's mom, as she will confront him. I don't even know if she will believe me.
I am more concerned with how this could affect his daughter, and whether or not he will come looking for me once he knows I told someone. I will not be putting his name on the birth certificate, as I dont want him in our lives, and don't believe that any amount of child support is worth putting my child through the drama that he will cause. If he wants to contest that, he can try. I am very experienced in child support and custody issues within the court, as I am a paralegal specializing in family law. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried about him doing something to his daughter when she starts to develop more (he's not into little kids, it's teens that he is attracted to), or finding me and doing something bad because I told someone. Going to the authorities was my first instinct, but knowing the legal system and how it works, there is nothing they can do except confront him until he has actually committed a crime. His probabtion officer may order sex counselling too.
I'm going to warn his daughter's mother for sure, but what will telling the cops do? I'm not sure that is the wisest thing to do, as I have no proof of this, and he technically has not committed a crime yet. I'm not sure if you are familiar with pedophile laws and punishment in Canada, but they are a joke. To bring this out into the open with no proof could turn into something very bad for everyone except him.
Thanks again for all of your help and support. I am going to take all of your advice and tell his daughter's mother, but I really need to think about telling the cops. I'm just so worried that it will cause more problems then they can possibly fix.
October 8, 2009 - 12:05amThis Comment
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