We have encountered many women who are going through similar situations as yours, so no, you are not a crazy sex addict, and you sound like you have a normal, healthy interest in sex.
It sounds like you two have great communication, but perhaps can work on this one piece of the puzzle. You have made it very clear that you would like to be intimate with your boyfriend once or twice per week. What is his ideal? I would bet it is also once or twice per week. If so, how can you together make this happen, at least most weeks?
It really does not sound like he has a problem with his sex drive (from what you describe), but that he truly is stressed, over-worked and exhausted. I think the difference with men in their 40s versus in their teens (even into their 20s!) is that the "older" men actually have the ability to focus their attention on things outside of sex that interest them, whereas "younger" men have the new surge of hormones that mentally and physically bring them back to "oh, yeah! I could be having sex right now!". OK---this is a huge stereotype, but I'm assuming the reason you fell for an older man (I did too...my husband is 11 years older than I am, and is 45) is that they are more sophisticated--yet still goofy and kid-like--they are interesting, sexy and fun to be around. With this also comes patience on our part that they may get tied up in work more than a younger 20-something, as the 40-somethings have worked twenty-plus years to get to where they are at in the workforce, compared to most (again, generalizing) 20-somethings who are in college or just beginning in their career. We have also grown up with the belief that men always want to have sex, and are surprised when they aren't in the mood...and we are! How can they resist us, is the underlying question (and hurt we feel). When we (females) are busy doing other things that interest us...this is considered more "normal" throughout society, so is not really questioned. Imagine your question asked by your boyfriend, "my gf only wants sex 1-2 times per week. What's with her sex drive? Does she not love me; am I wasting my time on her?" Imagine how the response to him would be different!
I guess my biggest advice is: talk with him, and listen to his answers. What does he want, how does he want to make it happen, and when? Is he fine with the current arrangement? Does he feel intimate with you in other ways, and if so, how? What is his fear of more sex, more often? (This was a big one--does he fear that getting intimate will take too much time, or he will be pressured to perform to a certain standard, and really wants to be with you, but not with expectations?) Can you two think of other ways to be physically intimate that does not take as much time and energy as an entire love-making episode that would please you both??
Please know that your sex life will ebb-and-flow throughout the years, depending on what is going on in both your life and your partner's life. Try to take the blame and frustration out of it, and figure out what each different situation demands.
Let us know if this helps, and I would love to hear back from you, especially if you have a conversation (or ten) with your bf.
Comment Reply
We have encountered many women who are going through similar situations as yours, so no, you are not a crazy sex addict, and you sound like you have a normal, healthy interest in sex.
It sounds like you two have great communication, but perhaps can work on this one piece of the puzzle. You have made it very clear that you would like to be intimate with your boyfriend once or twice per week. What is his ideal? I would bet it is also once or twice per week. If so, how can you together make this happen, at least most weeks?
It really does not sound like he has a problem with his sex drive (from what you describe), but that he truly is stressed, over-worked and exhausted. I think the difference with men in their 40s versus in their teens (even into their 20s!) is that the "older" men actually have the ability to focus their attention on things outside of sex that interest them, whereas "younger" men have the new surge of hormones that mentally and physically bring them back to "oh, yeah! I could be having sex right now!". OK---this is a huge stereotype, but I'm assuming the reason you fell for an older man (I did too...my husband is 11 years older than I am, and is 45) is that they are more sophisticated--yet still goofy and kid-like--they are interesting, sexy and fun to be around. With this also comes patience on our part that they may get tied up in work more than a younger 20-something, as the 40-somethings have worked twenty-plus years to get to where they are at in the workforce, compared to most (again, generalizing) 20-somethings who are in college or just beginning in their career. We have also grown up with the belief that men always want to have sex, and are surprised when they aren't in the mood...and we are! How can they resist us, is the underlying question (and hurt we feel). When we (females) are busy doing other things that interest us...this is considered more "normal" throughout society, so is not really questioned. Imagine your question asked by your boyfriend, "my gf only wants sex 1-2 times per week. What's with her sex drive? Does she not love me; am I wasting my time on her?" Imagine how the response to him would be different!
I guess my biggest advice is: talk with him, and listen to his answers. What does he want, how does he want to make it happen, and when? Is he fine with the current arrangement? Does he feel intimate with you in other ways, and if so, how? What is his fear of more sex, more often? (This was a big one--does he fear that getting intimate will take too much time, or he will be pressured to perform to a certain standard, and really wants to be with you, but not with expectations?) Can you two think of other ways to be physically intimate that does not take as much time and energy as an entire love-making episode that would please you both??
Please know that your sex life will ebb-and-flow throughout the years, depending on what is going on in both your life and your partner's life. Try to take the blame and frustration out of it, and figure out what each different situation demands.
Let us know if this helps, and I would love to hear back from you, especially if you have a conversation (or ten) with your bf.
October 15, 2009 - 3:02pmThis Comment
Reply