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A year ago I discovered my husband had an addiction to pornography. Porn was not an aspect that I wanted in our relationship and we saw a marriage counselor to work through this problem. Our counseling sessions focused on communication rather than aspects of his addiction. While he is making great strides being porn-free I still have a lot of hurt over it. I feel like a lot of aspects about it are "in the dark" and did not ever come to the surface. I'm the kind of person who needs to face problems head on and with all the information. I feel that if I ask him to disclose ALL of the details about it then I will be able to move forward and not always wonder about the "if's" and unknowns. I think that it is important for my healing to know exactly what I'm dealing with. Do you think that it is wise to ask him to tell me all the details about his porn habits/addiction or would it be self-destructive?
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MBreann,
I am with Susan. I agree that this is a really hard spot that you are in. And I wonder if an individual session with the counselor for you, talking about this very issue, might be helpful?
Dr. Phil has a saying I like -- "You can't un-ring a bell." There are some things that you really, really have to be sure about before you ask, because once you know the answer, you can't un-know it. Whatever images it puts into your head will be there, for good.
I can think of a lesser and of a greater example for this.
The lesser example: When Mel Gibson made the film "The Passion of the Christ," it was about the crucifixion. It was very graphic and lots of people went to see it. I didn't, because I didn't want the image of the crucifixion in my brain to be one that Mel Gibson created. I knew that if I saw it -- up close and personal, large screen, with sound and closeups, sweat and blood, that that would be the image in my head of the crucifixion. I didn't want my thought about that to be something a movie director had created.
A larger example. A dear friend of mine lost an 11-year-old niece in a horrific automobile crash. The niece's parents, grieving horribly, had to decide in the next few days whether they wanted to see their daughter's body before she was buried, or not. They were so conflicted. They wanted to see her, but were afraid that they would never be able to get the images out of their mind -- and that's not how they wanted to remember her. They wanted to remember her as the smiling, giddy 11-year-old she had been. So they finally decided not to view the body. It was a gut-wrenching decision but it was the best one for them.
Like I said, those are extreme examples. You have to decide whether you really do want this information and -- even more important -- why. What good it would do. I sense the need to know how "bad" your husband was, sort of so you know how hurt you "deserve" to be. I think I might feel that way too, in your shoes. But it may send you both spiraling backward in your healing. And I know you don't want that.
Be thoughtful, and perhaps talk to your counselor alone about this. And please do come back and let us know how things are going later on. We're here for you.
October 26, 2009 - 8:48amThis Comment