I wish I could sit at the kitchen table with you and make big cups of tea and just talk. It sounds like your situation is stressful from about five directions, and none of them are simply handled.
Genital warts are manageable for many people, and it sounds like with medicine and surgery, you do a pretty good job of coping. How often do you have to have the surgery? Does Aldara work well for you?
You said he has a phobia about germs. How bad is this phobia? Do you think that between the Aldara cream (with which you cannot have sex while it's on your skin) and the worry about getting an STD himself that he simply can't enjoy regular intercourse with you? After all, there is no threat to his health with you stimulating him by hand.
Nothing is like it is in the movies, Anon, especially not sex scenes, lol. Just think of all the awkwardness, the camera people, the specific angles and poses people are expected to accomplish, plus the need to act as they were in the most rapturous moment of their lives. Think of their annoyance when the director says "OK, Take 12" and they have to try again and again to make it look realistic. We don't want that. But what we do want is, yes, loving, generous sex with a partner who we love and who loves us, who meets our needs and who inspires us to meet their needs. And that indeed can happen.
For this relationship, though, Anon, I really don't think it's going to happen without some therapy, especially with the new details you've given us. Your boyfriend needs to be honest (with himself and with you) about his germ phobia, his delayed ejaculation, and his fears about your STD, if he has any. You need to be able to express your needs with a third person there who knows how to direct the conversation. (It's funny, but in therapy, if you or your partner says something that's been said 100 times in the past, suddenly you both HEAR it in an entirely different light simply due to the presence of the therapist. It's very powerful and truly helps with getting somewhere in communication.)
I know he will and is resisting this. But is there any way? (Let him pick the counselor, if that helps. Perhaps he won't feel "ganged-up-on" that way.)
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Anon,
I wish I could sit at the kitchen table with you and make big cups of tea and just talk. It sounds like your situation is stressful from about five directions, and none of them are simply handled.
Genital warts are manageable for many people, and it sounds like with medicine and surgery, you do a pretty good job of coping. How often do you have to have the surgery? Does Aldara work well for you?
You said he has a phobia about germs. How bad is this phobia? Do you think that between the Aldara cream (with which you cannot have sex while it's on your skin) and the worry about getting an STD himself that he simply can't enjoy regular intercourse with you? After all, there is no threat to his health with you stimulating him by hand.
Nothing is like it is in the movies, Anon, especially not sex scenes, lol. Just think of all the awkwardness, the camera people, the specific angles and poses people are expected to accomplish, plus the need to act as they were in the most rapturous moment of their lives. Think of their annoyance when the director says "OK, Take 12" and they have to try again and again to make it look realistic. We don't want that. But what we do want is, yes, loving, generous sex with a partner who we love and who loves us, who meets our needs and who inspires us to meet their needs. And that indeed can happen.
For this relationship, though, Anon, I really don't think it's going to happen without some therapy, especially with the new details you've given us. Your boyfriend needs to be honest (with himself and with you) about his germ phobia, his delayed ejaculation, and his fears about your STD, if he has any. You need to be able to express your needs with a third person there who knows how to direct the conversation. (It's funny, but in therapy, if you or your partner says something that's been said 100 times in the past, suddenly you both HEAR it in an entirely different light simply due to the presence of the therapist. It's very powerful and truly helps with getting somewhere in communication.)
I know he will and is resisting this. But is there any way? (Let him pick the counselor, if that helps. Perhaps he won't feel "ganged-up-on" that way.)
November 5, 2009 - 8:55amThis Comment
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