You are such a smart and thoughtful woman, and Susan has given you great insight and advice. I have very little to add to it, except I am wondering if, for you, he would go to therapy with you?
Without some sort of change, you are looking at the life that you will live as long as this marriage ends. He is clearly not motivated to open up more about sex or to have a more active sex life with you; and you are clearly very sexually attracted to him and want intimacy to be a big part of your relationship.
At any sort of crossroads like this, there are three things that could happen:
1. Things could get better.
2. Things could stay exactly the same.
3. Things could get worse.
Clearly, Nos. 2 and 3 are not what you want for your life. So it leads us to No. !. And No. 1 won't happen by itself -- and it won't happen with just one person's efforts. It takes both of you to start working your way through your issues. It's very possible that if enough love and respect exists between you, the two of you could move foward. But no matter how determined you are, your efforts alone won't be enough. And with self-esteem that's already low (you didn't say why?), that may be a double whammy.
Sit with this all, for a while. We often make changes in baby steps, not in grand gestures. What's most important in this equation is what you want for the rest of your life, and whether that can happen inside this marriage. If you fear that the answer is "no," then it's time to start taking baby steps toward a new life.
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Anon,
You are such a smart and thoughtful woman, and Susan has given you great insight and advice. I have very little to add to it, except I am wondering if, for you, he would go to therapy with you?
Without some sort of change, you are looking at the life that you will live as long as this marriage ends. He is clearly not motivated to open up more about sex or to have a more active sex life with you; and you are clearly very sexually attracted to him and want intimacy to be a big part of your relationship.
At any sort of crossroads like this, there are three things that could happen:
1. Things could get better.
2. Things could stay exactly the same.
3. Things could get worse.
Clearly, Nos. 2 and 3 are not what you want for your life. So it leads us to No. !. And No. 1 won't happen by itself -- and it won't happen with just one person's efforts. It takes both of you to start working your way through your issues. It's very possible that if enough love and respect exists between you, the two of you could move foward. But no matter how determined you are, your efforts alone won't be enough. And with self-esteem that's already low (you didn't say why?), that may be a double whammy.
Sit with this all, for a while. We often make changes in baby steps, not in grand gestures. What's most important in this equation is what you want for the rest of your life, and whether that can happen inside this marriage. If you fear that the answer is "no," then it's time to start taking baby steps toward a new life.
November 17, 2009 - 9:04amThis Comment
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