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Hi,
I think you received some great advice above, and wanted to offer some more perspective; I can understand why you said you are "tired of feeling this way", as it does sound emotionally draining.

A few things you mentioned caught my attention, as you said, "He admitted to doing everything he could to get rid of his first wife except dump her. He was too lazy to break up with her, so he figured if he was really mean to her, she would leave...". "I admit I don't want to end up like that, but aside from the sex deprivation, he's anything but mean or unfair to me."

I actually do see what he is doing to you as "mean" and "unfair", just from reading your first post, you said:
"...even to the point of telling me sometimes that he doesn't want to do it [sex] ever again." (this is not a sign of a healthy relationship with one partner telling the other one they will never do something again that they know is important to the other person, and vital to a marriage).
- "...then laughed at me and went right to bed. I've felt like a piece of crap ever since."
- "He's acted all day today as if nothing's wrong and I know that bringing it up will only make it worse." (not a quality you want in a relationship, regardless of the topic, that one person in the marriage would willingly make it impossible for the other person to bring up a sensitive topic)
- "...he pushes me away and says, "What are you doing?" The rejection is so depressing it's starting to make me numb." (this sounds really mean and unfair to me, as it is obvious 'what you are doing' and he is putting all of his issues onto you, instead of being mature and responsible and communicating with you honestly)
- "...although sometimes he says he wants to swear off sex, he's always come around eventually, but this has become a vicious cycle and I always live with the fear that one day he just might mean it." (again, living in a 'vicious cycle' and 'living with fear' that you can not communicate a very basic need or he will take it away completely is not a sign of a healthy relationship, and he has all of the power and control in this scenario that is mean and unfair to you)

These things, to me, do sound like he may be repeating himself in this relationship: trying to push you away as he does not want to be the one to break-off another commitment, as he did with his ex-wife. I'm not sure if he learned anything from his previous relationship, as beginning a new relationship with you without being entirely honest is truly unfair (although, I do understand his reasoning).

However, you also said that he has "admitted to having a chemical imbalance", which is a really big piece to this puzzle! If he is depressed because he wants another type of marriage, then he needs to make this happen and not bring you down with him. If he is depressed because he has a chemical imbalance...is he being treated for this with medication and therapy/counseling?

Lastly, you said, "I often wonder if he knows or even cares how damaging this behavior has become to me." What is the answer to this?

If he DOES know or care how damaging his behavior is to you, is he trying to correct it?

Either way, this is the conversation you want to have with him, and the "sex" stuff just doesn't matter, as it could be related to any topic. The important thing in your relationship is that he is withholding information from you, making you too afraid to speak your mind or voice your concerns for fear that he will withhold even more physical affection. If he does not care about this, it is definitely time for a change, or as a baby step, marital counseling. If he does care about this, then it is also time for a change, and probably the same baby step: marital counseling and/or for him to seek treatment for his depression and chemical imbalance.

I wish you the best, please let us know how you are doing.

November 17, 2009 - 1:34pm

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