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There is a double standard, but for me, it is not quite the way I think that you are saying above - my son has a relationship with a woman who hits him and rages and storms and goes 'berserk' sometimes when she is upset. This makes me very sad and I said to him that this is domestic abuse, such as I suffered from my first husband. My son was very understanding with me, and explained to me the difference as he sees it - I am not at all sure that I see it quite like him, but I can very much understand what he is saying.
I spent years of terror, living with a man who used to lash out without warning or provocation, I walked on eggshells for years, I was hunted, beaten, raped, insulted, humiliated and in some ways will never recover, though I live a full life now I have the legacy of Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis as well as Dissociative Identity Disorder [which is the result of a very traumatic childhood]. I still have PTSD and am still sometimes triggered into flashbacks that leave me wordless and terrified. And that is the difference - as my son sees it, he loves his partner very much, he understands how hurt and damaged she has been from her life before him, and - here is his point - HE is NOT afraid of her. He has no fear. When she becomes too violent, he holds her arms, or holds her to him so that she cannot attack him. They are working through this together, and he loves her, and accepts her pain and her inability to cope without flying into a rage, and they talk about it, and she knows she is wrong. My situation was quite different, and my life was a nightmare of uncertainty, pain, fear, misery. There is a real difference here.
I think that the law here in Oz is that anyone, male or female, who assaults another person is liable to be arrested and dealt with. I cannot condone the violence done to any spouse/partner, but I can understand what my son is saying, in that he is not being abused, nor is he afraid or vulnerable - which is a huge difference. Of course situations vary, and this is just one - but it is a point to consider.

May 13, 2011 - 6:32am

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