Good questions...and your last question is where I will start with a possible solution.
- How do you get things healthier? There are many ways!
- How do you get things more frequent? I think you need to get things "healthier" first, and the "frequency" is secondary.
Unfortunately, there is no "secret" that we can tell you, in order to "make" your boyfriend want sex more often, initiate sex with you, be less stressed or be physically able to become aroused without medication. These things need to come from him, and not on your request (or demands or pleas).
It's great that you have spoken with him about your concerns. He has told you the reasons for his "failures" (stress, over-worked), but what is missing in your description is: how does HE feel about his sex life? Does HE want sex more frequently? Does he want to be physically intimate in other ways for now? How would he like you to show him affection, and how would he like to show you affection?
I believe this is the way to make your relationship healthier, and sex...for now..is going to be off the table. Just with any topic (finances, sex, kids, work, vacations), what matters most in the relationship are these key ingredients:
1. Both people feel heard, understood and listened to regarding their concerns
2. There is no blaming, pleading or belittling (I'm sorry...but asking him to take viagra is inadvertently blaming him for lack of sex, and that is just not the issue right now. The issue is that he is SO stressed, over-worked, feeling blamed, embarrassed and that he is letting you down that he does not even want to initiate sex) when talking about concerns.
3. Both people are responsible for communicating. Your boyfriend can not take the easy way out, and just blame it on stress and that's the end of the conversation. There needs to be some resolution, and he needs to communicate with you now about what his concerns are. Is he OK with the current sex situation? He may be, and needs to tell you that it is on the back-burner for him, for a while.
4. Once everyone has openly communicated their concerns, their preferences, their fears (why are you afraid of not having sex with him frequently; does it mean that something is wrong with the relationship?); once everyone feels that their opinions and emotions and feelings are validated, appreciated, understood...only then can you move to #5:
5. Problem solving. How do we, together, solve our problem? Do we both want sex more frequently, and the trouble is one person is stressed-out? How can the other person help with this stress? (And, one person may contribute 120% to the relationship at one time, with the understanding that the pendulum can swing the other way, at another time in the future; it is not always 50-50, as long as both people feel they are contributing equally to the relationship over time).
Basically, your boyfriend has a few options, as long as he is communicating truthfully:
- He is OK with the sex situation now
- He is not OK with the sex situation now, but is too stressed to solve it
Either way, you will have the information to make your choices. You can choose to also be OK with the sex situation now and honestly communicate with him how you would like to be physically intimate in other ways...see if he agrees (he may WANT to want to, but really be too burned out). What are his solutions, either to manage stress or create a healthy relationship that you can both enjoy.
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Good questions...and your last question is where I will start with a possible solution.
- How do you get things healthier? There are many ways!
- How do you get things more frequent? I think you need to get things "healthier" first, and the "frequency" is secondary.
Unfortunately, there is no "secret" that we can tell you, in order to "make" your boyfriend want sex more often, initiate sex with you, be less stressed or be physically able to become aroused without medication. These things need to come from him, and not on your request (or demands or pleas).
It's great that you have spoken with him about your concerns. He has told you the reasons for his "failures" (stress, over-worked), but what is missing in your description is: how does HE feel about his sex life? Does HE want sex more frequently? Does he want to be physically intimate in other ways for now? How would he like you to show him affection, and how would he like to show you affection?
I believe this is the way to make your relationship healthier, and sex...for now..is going to be off the table. Just with any topic (finances, sex, kids, work, vacations), what matters most in the relationship are these key ingredients:
1. Both people feel heard, understood and listened to regarding their concerns
2. There is no blaming, pleading or belittling (I'm sorry...but asking him to take viagra is inadvertently blaming him for lack of sex, and that is just not the issue right now. The issue is that he is SO stressed, over-worked, feeling blamed, embarrassed and that he is letting you down that he does not even want to initiate sex) when talking about concerns.
3. Both people are responsible for communicating. Your boyfriend can not take the easy way out, and just blame it on stress and that's the end of the conversation. There needs to be some resolution, and he needs to communicate with you now about what his concerns are. Is he OK with the current sex situation? He may be, and needs to tell you that it is on the back-burner for him, for a while.
4. Once everyone has openly communicated their concerns, their preferences, their fears (why are you afraid of not having sex with him frequently; does it mean that something is wrong with the relationship?); once everyone feels that their opinions and emotions and feelings are validated, appreciated, understood...only then can you move to #5:
5. Problem solving. How do we, together, solve our problem? Do we both want sex more frequently, and the trouble is one person is stressed-out? How can the other person help with this stress? (And, one person may contribute 120% to the relationship at one time, with the understanding that the pendulum can swing the other way, at another time in the future; it is not always 50-50, as long as both people feel they are contributing equally to the relationship over time).
Basically, your boyfriend has a few options, as long as he is communicating truthfully:
- He is OK with the sex situation now
- He is not OK with the sex situation now, but is too stressed to solve it
Either way, you will have the information to make your choices. You can choose to also be OK with the sex situation now and honestly communicate with him how you would like to be physically intimate in other ways...see if he agrees (he may WANT to want to, but really be too burned out). What are his solutions, either to manage stress or create a healthy relationship that you can both enjoy.
Does this help?
January 3, 2010 - 9:31amThis Comment
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