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A few months ago, I moved in with my 24-year-old boyfriend. He lives a significant distance from my hometown, so he's really been the only person I've spent time with since I've been here. I ran into his ex-girlfriend about two weeks ago and we ended up spending the afternoon together. They had a messy break-up, and he still harbors bad feelings towards the relationship. I told him about running into her and spending time with her, figuring he'd be excited that I at least met SOMEONE, despite the fact that the person just happened to be his ex girlfriend. I regrettably didn't think that I might have crossed a line by doing so. He was furious. I apologized and tried to give him as much space as I could. It took about two days for him to calm down. Everything is how it was before the argument. However, we've yet to have sex. Prior to meeting his ex-girlfriend, we had sex regularly. This was also the first argument we've ever had, so I wasn't sure what to expect after things cooled off. He is still very affectionate and kind, and he hasn't been distant at all. I asked him about it almost a week ago, and he said he hasn't been in the mood because of the argument. What are some possible causes? How long should I wait until I bring up my concerns again?
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Anon,
First, I think it's cool that you actually could meet your boyfriend's ex and be warm toward her and she toward you. That's a pretty amazing thing.
But I, too, see your boyfriend's side. The two women who he perhaps has been most close to in his life collide in one afternoon -- it's like a nightmare, or something you'd see on a bad sitcom. He may have felt that you almost betrayed him, in a way. You and he are the "now" and he and she were the "then," and the collision of the now and the then was a little too much for him to take.
I think Susan gave you great advice. I would let the matter drop and give it more time. Don't put pressure on the sexual side of things -- that just makes it worse. Be yourself, and go back to all the things you and your boyfriend like to do together.
I too have been the new kid in town more often than I'd like. Finding friends isn't easy. Do you have a job? Is there a library close by? A university where you could take a class?
February 23, 2010 - 8:47amThis Comment
I guess I didn't see a problem with spending time with her until after he got upset. I didn't realize the break up had affected him that much. If he wanted to hang out with any of my exes, I wouldn't mind at all. Then again, I haven't had any terrible break ups. Thank you so much for your advice! I've been so worried about everything and I've been assuming the worst.
February 22, 2010 - 4:42pmThis Comment