Hi,
It sounds like Pat has provided some great "food for thought", and I just read your last response and wanted to comment, too.
From your post, it sounds like your husband has all of his bases covered, with none of the responsibility and none of the guilt. It is all someone else's problem. He has created this relationship with you that includes your not being able to ask him any questions or he gets mad/lies/denies...or worse puts the blame back on you that you are snooping (and all of the negative connotation that goes along with it). This is does not sound like an open, honest relationship, but sounds like he has some behavior patterns that are manipulating, and has become a cycle that sounds very frustrating! If he feels that you are trying to find fault with him, and you have agreed with this sentiment (because you "can't confront him about anything"), then this does not sound like a relationship built on trust anymore, either. Not that it's not there, just more manipulating behavior. Lastly, he is refusing to have any responsibilities as a husband or father...in what ways? All of these combined do not sound like a healthy relationship (you asked if it is just "your man"), and it sounds like something is truly going on with him that he needs help.
If he refuses counseling (another sign of manipulation...not only does he refuse to talk about anything confrontational, won't take responsibility...but then any help that is offered, he thinks is a joke. He's got this game won!), then have you thought about going to counseling just by yourself? This must be very frustrating to be in this situation (and I'm sure my words have been equally frustrating to read), but counseling could really help you talk about these issues and see what role you are playing in his game; how you may inadvertently be enabling his behavior, and until you identify your actions, you may not be able to help him stop his negative cycles.
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Hi,
It sounds like Pat has provided some great "food for thought", and I just read your last response and wanted to comment, too.
From your post, it sounds like your husband has all of his bases covered, with none of the responsibility and none of the guilt. It is all someone else's problem. He has created this relationship with you that includes your not being able to ask him any questions or he gets mad/lies/denies...or worse puts the blame back on you that you are snooping (and all of the negative connotation that goes along with it). This is does not sound like an open, honest relationship, but sounds like he has some behavior patterns that are manipulating, and has become a cycle that sounds very frustrating! If he feels that you are trying to find fault with him, and you have agreed with this sentiment (because you "can't confront him about anything"), then this does not sound like a relationship built on trust anymore, either. Not that it's not there, just more manipulating behavior. Lastly, he is refusing to have any responsibilities as a husband or father...in what ways? All of these combined do not sound like a healthy relationship (you asked if it is just "your man"), and it sounds like something is truly going on with him that he needs help.
If he refuses counseling (another sign of manipulation...not only does he refuse to talk about anything confrontational, won't take responsibility...but then any help that is offered, he thinks is a joke. He's got this game won!), then have you thought about going to counseling just by yourself? This must be very frustrating to be in this situation (and I'm sure my words have been equally frustrating to read), but counseling could really help you talk about these issues and see what role you are playing in his game; how you may inadvertently be enabling his behavior, and until you identify your actions, you may not be able to help him stop his negative cycles.
What are your thoughts?
February 25, 2010 - 2:26pmThis Comment
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