Well I have some good news, just yesterday I finally found a job! So that is a big relief and huge weight off my shoulders. I start next week so once I finally start then hopefully things will look up.
However, while not having a job was a big part of my depression, there are still many other factors getting me down.
First I would like to fill you in on the circumstances of my situation. I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 37, so there is a large age gap. We have been dating for 2 years now and we do live together. It was his apartment at first but he asked me to move in and it is now ours, we have two dogs together. Yes I have been feeling depressed and it makes it hard for me to get the motivation to get up in the morning but im not sleeping all day. I dont get up any later then 11 and when I do get up I go workout, I clean the apartment, do the laundry the dishes, I keep our home nice, doing all the decorating and cleaning. Now given he does do all the cooking, I dont really know how to cook. So I DO contribute. The only way I would say that I wasnt contributing was financially which I understand can be stressfull for him. Hopefully now that I have found a job that part will change.
However other things are stressing me out such as me getting down on myself for gaining weight, which is why I have been trying really hard to workout alot lately which he encourages me to do. Also, now that we have been dating for awhile he never seems to want to have sex with me, when he used to all the time. I mention it and he tells me its not me and that he is just stressed and not in the mood. We have had several serious talks about how when he gets like this it makes me feel undesirable and unwanted by him. He tells me he understands how this is making me feel this way and things will get better for about a week and then it will go back to the way it was before. He is much less affectionate then he used to be. He used to make me feel like a princess and now I feel barley noticed by him. I try and be very loving and caring to him all the time and I feel like I get none of that in return. It has really been putting a toll on my self-esteem because I love him very very much and dont want to loose him but I feel like the relationship may be falling apart. Now dont get me wrong he is very loving and sweet sometimes just not as often as it used to be.
He has some personal issues also that I really cant do anything about. He had a bad childhood, his parents hit him and were awful to him and he does not have any contant with them at all and I dont think he has ever gotten over it. the same day that I posted the comment on here, later that evening he texted me and said he was in a bad mood and wasnt coming home just yet. He went to the bar and got completely wasted drunk. He came home in a rage talking about how he was useless and no one loved him and he wanted to kill himself. He scared me alot, he told me I was stupid for loving him and that I should get my stuff and get out because I deserved someone better then him. I tried to talk to him nicely and tell him I love him and that im here for him and he screamed at me to leave him alone. He grabbed his gun, went in the bedroom and locked the door. I can open the door with a screwdriver so I did and I tried to talk to him again and I told him again that I loved him and was here for him and he said that I didnt love him and he didnt love me and I should get out. I took his gun and his car keys and hid them both and then went to a friends house for the night. Now this doesnt happen often but this is about the 3rd time in 2 years that he has freaked out like that when he got really drunk and said and did very very hurtful things to me. The next day I talked to him and he said he didnt mean anything he said and that he loves me very much and that he just had a meltdown and I told him that Im here for him if he needs to talk but that he needs to think about what he is saying before he says those awful things to me. He seemed very sorry but Im still hurt by it. Im torn, I love him so much but Im sick of dealing with this BS. Its stuff like that that makes me sad and depressed.
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Well I have some good news, just yesterday I finally found a job! So that is a big relief and huge weight off my shoulders. I start next week so once I finally start then hopefully things will look up.
However, while not having a job was a big part of my depression, there are still many other factors getting me down.
First I would like to fill you in on the circumstances of my situation. I am 20 years old and my boyfriend is 37, so there is a large age gap. We have been dating for 2 years now and we do live together. It was his apartment at first but he asked me to move in and it is now ours, we have two dogs together. Yes I have been feeling depressed and it makes it hard for me to get the motivation to get up in the morning but im not sleeping all day. I dont get up any later then 11 and when I do get up I go workout, I clean the apartment, do the laundry the dishes, I keep our home nice, doing all the decorating and cleaning. Now given he does do all the cooking, I dont really know how to cook. So I DO contribute. The only way I would say that I wasnt contributing was financially which I understand can be stressfull for him. Hopefully now that I have found a job that part will change.
However other things are stressing me out such as me getting down on myself for gaining weight, which is why I have been trying really hard to workout alot lately which he encourages me to do. Also, now that we have been dating for awhile he never seems to want to have sex with me, when he used to all the time. I mention it and he tells me its not me and that he is just stressed and not in the mood. We have had several serious talks about how when he gets like this it makes me feel undesirable and unwanted by him. He tells me he understands how this is making me feel this way and things will get better for about a week and then it will go back to the way it was before. He is much less affectionate then he used to be. He used to make me feel like a princess and now I feel barley noticed by him. I try and be very loving and caring to him all the time and I feel like I get none of that in return. It has really been putting a toll on my self-esteem because I love him very very much and dont want to loose him but I feel like the relationship may be falling apart. Now dont get me wrong he is very loving and sweet sometimes just not as often as it used to be.
He has some personal issues also that I really cant do anything about. He had a bad childhood, his parents hit him and were awful to him and he does not have any contant with them at all and I dont think he has ever gotten over it. the same day that I posted the comment on here, later that evening he texted me and said he was in a bad mood and wasnt coming home just yet. He went to the bar and got completely wasted drunk. He came home in a rage talking about how he was useless and no one loved him and he wanted to kill himself. He scared me alot, he told me I was stupid for loving him and that I should get my stuff and get out because I deserved someone better then him. I tried to talk to him nicely and tell him I love him and that im here for him and he screamed at me to leave him alone. He grabbed his gun, went in the bedroom and locked the door. I can open the door with a screwdriver so I did and I tried to talk to him again and I told him again that I loved him and was here for him and he said that I didnt love him and he didnt love me and I should get out. I took his gun and his car keys and hid them both and then went to a friends house for the night. Now this doesnt happen often but this is about the 3rd time in 2 years that he has freaked out like that when he got really drunk and said and did very very hurtful things to me. The next day I talked to him and he said he didnt mean anything he said and that he loves me very much and that he just had a meltdown and I told him that Im here for him if he needs to talk but that he needs to think about what he is saying before he says those awful things to me. He seemed very sorry but Im still hurt by it. Im torn, I love him so much but Im sick of dealing with this BS. Its stuff like that that makes me sad and depressed.
February 28, 2010 - 2:58pmThis Comment
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