I agree with Alison -- you have done some wonderful soul-searching here. I'm curious -- did writing it all out make you feel any differently about it? Sometimes just the act of writing/typing and seeing it all in print can affect how we feel about a situation. We seem to see it differently in black and white.
Nobody is perfect. We all have baggage, and we each have our individual strengths and weaknesses.
That said, longterm love is partly about compromise. And what I see in your lists of pros and cons is this: You compromiseg for him, but he does not compromise for you.
The list of pros for him are attributes he was born or raised to have: intelligence, honesty, loyalty, independence, originality, humor, a lack of possessiveness, etc. They are just the way he IS. They are not things he had to WORK AT.
But the list of cons for him basically shows me that he doesn't care to change, for you (or probably anyone else). He doesn't like to WORK AT things. Things that you list can be learned if someone wants to. A person can learn to be easier to talk to. A person can learn how to give a genuine compliment. A person can learn to do things for another person to make them happy -- whether it's to occasionally plan a date night or to try to be less sexually selfish. And that person's efforts should last more than a week.
This is a man who is so rigid in who he is that he feels no reason to change. It has done him well in the past -- he has a successful business, and he has had you. But why can he be original in his business and yet stay in a personality rut with you? How can he be smart if he doesn't look around himself and see that there are other people who do things differently and who are happy? Part of "being smart" is the ability to learn and grow when you learn your weaknesses. He may be smart, but he's not wise.
The fact that the two of you couldn't live together is pretty huge for me in terms of seeing the future. Living together strips away a lot of the illusions -- we see each other's faults, we pay bills, we run out of toilet paper, we fight over the remote -- or over how children should be raised, or politics, or money. It's a really good test of how it would be if you were married.
I am very interested in what you said about how you fight when alcohol is involved. Does he drink too much in general? Is this a factor for you? (If he does, it should be, because you are right, people just don't change unless THEY want to.)
So, in summary, I see you compromising your life, and him basically getting away with his bad behaviors. He may be a guy who has a lot of natural, inborn gifts, but I don't see him using them with you. I feel that you are yearning for more in many ways. I'm afraid that if you stay with him in the long haul that you'll be unhappy and, even worse, resentful or angry over how you "settled." And then he won't seem like a love of your life at all.
It seems to me that all you want is a smart, honest, giving man who talks to you, is in touch with his feelings and loves you. I don't think that's too much to ask, ElleJay. I think YOU are smart, and thoughtful, and very in touch with what matters in life. Trust the instincts that tell you that you may not want to "deal with his bad moods and his "peculiar" lifestyle" for the rest of your life." Your intuition is there for a reason, you know?
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ElleJay,
I agree with Alison -- you have done some wonderful soul-searching here. I'm curious -- did writing it all out make you feel any differently about it? Sometimes just the act of writing/typing and seeing it all in print can affect how we feel about a situation. We seem to see it differently in black and white.
Nobody is perfect. We all have baggage, and we each have our individual strengths and weaknesses.
That said, longterm love is partly about compromise. And what I see in your lists of pros and cons is this: You compromiseg for him, but he does not compromise for you.
The list of pros for him are attributes he was born or raised to have: intelligence, honesty, loyalty, independence, originality, humor, a lack of possessiveness, etc. They are just the way he IS. They are not things he had to WORK AT.
But the list of cons for him basically shows me that he doesn't care to change, for you (or probably anyone else). He doesn't like to WORK AT things. Things that you list can be learned if someone wants to. A person can learn to be easier to talk to. A person can learn how to give a genuine compliment. A person can learn to do things for another person to make them happy -- whether it's to occasionally plan a date night or to try to be less sexually selfish. And that person's efforts should last more than a week.
This is a man who is so rigid in who he is that he feels no reason to change. It has done him well in the past -- he has a successful business, and he has had you. But why can he be original in his business and yet stay in a personality rut with you? How can he be smart if he doesn't look around himself and see that there are other people who do things differently and who are happy? Part of "being smart" is the ability to learn and grow when you learn your weaknesses. He may be smart, but he's not wise.
The fact that the two of you couldn't live together is pretty huge for me in terms of seeing the future. Living together strips away a lot of the illusions -- we see each other's faults, we pay bills, we run out of toilet paper, we fight over the remote -- or over how children should be raised, or politics, or money. It's a really good test of how it would be if you were married.
I am very interested in what you said about how you fight when alcohol is involved. Does he drink too much in general? Is this a factor for you? (If he does, it should be, because you are right, people just don't change unless THEY want to.)
So, in summary, I see you compromising your life, and him basically getting away with his bad behaviors. He may be a guy who has a lot of natural, inborn gifts, but I don't see him using them with you. I feel that you are yearning for more in many ways. I'm afraid that if you stay with him in the long haul that you'll be unhappy and, even worse, resentful or angry over how you "settled." And then he won't seem like a love of your life at all.
It seems to me that all you want is a smart, honest, giving man who talks to you, is in touch with his feelings and loves you. I don't think that's too much to ask, ElleJay. I think YOU are smart, and thoughtful, and very in touch with what matters in life. Trust the instincts that tell you that you may not want to "deal with his bad moods and his "peculiar" lifestyle" for the rest of your life." Your intuition is there for a reason, you know?
February 26, 2010 - 10:19amThis Comment
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