You're in a tough situation. You are clearly very loving and smart, and you've given this a lot of thought.
Question No. 1: Do you believe your boyfriend has an alcohol problem? You mention that he drinks when he is down, but is that every day? Many depressed people self-medicate with alcohol or drugs simply because it numbs the emotional pain. And alcohol, of course, numbs the libido (as does depression).
Question No. 2: What started the cycle? If things were fine for a couple of years, do you know what changed for him?
Question No. 3: Though he has been overweight for a while, has he been putting on even MORE weight recently? If so, it's quite possible that his clothes aren't fitting -- again -- and he's feeling extra uncomfortable -- again -- and he's tired of the whole thing, again. Most overweight people know what it will take to lose weight: cutting calories and exercising. But when a person has a lot of weight to lose, the effort involved can seem like a mountain that's impossible to climb.
Question No. 4: Does HE want to lose weight?
Anon, I think if I were you, I would ask him to go to counseling with me (about the sexual issue, not about the weight, though it may come up). The two of you are talking about this every couple of weeks with no result; you aren't happy; he is depressed, and if something doesn't happen to shift the momentum soon, the whole relationship could suffer even more. A counselor's office is a safe place to bring up issues like this and talk about them with a trained person there who can help with the communication. Do you think your boyfriend would consider this?
Because outside of that, and the motivational suggestions that Miscortes made, I'm not sure there's much YOU can do. People don't stop drinking until they want to. They don't lose weight until they want to. And they usually can't fix a depression on their own. Your love and support mean the world to your boyfriend, but the rest is really up to him.
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Anon,
You're in a tough situation. You are clearly very loving and smart, and you've given this a lot of thought.
Question No. 1: Do you believe your boyfriend has an alcohol problem? You mention that he drinks when he is down, but is that every day? Many depressed people self-medicate with alcohol or drugs simply because it numbs the emotional pain. And alcohol, of course, numbs the libido (as does depression).
Question No. 2: What started the cycle? If things were fine for a couple of years, do you know what changed for him?
Question No. 3: Though he has been overweight for a while, has he been putting on even MORE weight recently? If so, it's quite possible that his clothes aren't fitting -- again -- and he's feeling extra uncomfortable -- again -- and he's tired of the whole thing, again. Most overweight people know what it will take to lose weight: cutting calories and exercising. But when a person has a lot of weight to lose, the effort involved can seem like a mountain that's impossible to climb.
Question No. 4: Does HE want to lose weight?
Anon, I think if I were you, I would ask him to go to counseling with me (about the sexual issue, not about the weight, though it may come up). The two of you are talking about this every couple of weeks with no result; you aren't happy; he is depressed, and if something doesn't happen to shift the momentum soon, the whole relationship could suffer even more. A counselor's office is a safe place to bring up issues like this and talk about them with a trained person there who can help with the communication. Do you think your boyfriend would consider this?
Because outside of that, and the motivational suggestions that Miscortes made, I'm not sure there's much YOU can do. People don't stop drinking until they want to. They don't lose weight until they want to. And they usually can't fix a depression on their own. Your love and support mean the world to your boyfriend, but the rest is really up to him.
Does this help at all?
March 1, 2010 - 10:58amThis Comment
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