Sounds a lot like my dad. i think it was that generation of men who didn't know how to connect. I don't really think a suicide attempt would make your dad change. You learned that he wasn't going to change. by the way he reacted to your desperate message. The only place to go with that is to realize he is not going to be a person in your life that you can count on and trust for emotional support, or acceptance. That's just him. I didn't like my dad much growing up. I thought he was a messed up person, because of his own childhood, and had to realize that he just was who he was. You on the other hand still have emotional needs that need attention, but sadly for both of you Dad isn't likely to be the one to be there for you. So you still have to get those needs met once in a while, friends, other family, support groups, therapists, are a few possibilities. But since you didn't have an example of a dad who knew how to get his own emotional needs met so that he had something to give to you, it may take time and therapy to "reparent" you. A really good therapist can do this, but it takes time, because basically those formative years are years of growth experiences we can't miss out on if we want to be emotionally healthy adults. We have to get it some where from another mentor, who accepts us as we are, is responsible, reliable, patient, and caring. In the process of doing that you will understand dad a lot better, as well as yourself. My dad and I never talked much about my growing up but we were finally able to accept that each of us had our own wounds and just did what we knew how to do at the time. Your dad was part of your wounding, but human beings are resilient, there may be scars, but we do heal in time.
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Sounds a lot like my dad. i think it was that generation of men who didn't know how to connect. I don't really think a suicide attempt would make your dad change. You learned that he wasn't going to change. by the way he reacted to your desperate message. The only place to go with that is to realize he is not going to be a person in your life that you can count on and trust for emotional support, or acceptance. That's just him. I didn't like my dad much growing up. I thought he was a messed up person, because of his own childhood, and had to realize that he just was who he was. You on the other hand still have emotional needs that need attention, but sadly for both of you Dad isn't likely to be the one to be there for you. So you still have to get those needs met once in a while, friends, other family, support groups, therapists, are a few possibilities. But since you didn't have an example of a dad who knew how to get his own emotional needs met so that he had something to give to you, it may take time and therapy to "reparent" you. A really good therapist can do this, but it takes time, because basically those formative years are years of growth experiences we can't miss out on if we want to be emotionally healthy adults. We have to get it some where from another mentor, who accepts us as we are, is responsible, reliable, patient, and caring. In the process of doing that you will understand dad a lot better, as well as yourself. My dad and I never talked much about my growing up but we were finally able to accept that each of us had our own wounds and just did what we knew how to do at the time. Your dad was part of your wounding, but human beings are resilient, there may be scars, but we do heal in time.
January 5, 2011 - 8:12amThis Comment
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