You are so welcome. It's a pleasure to write to you, even though I know the topic isn't a very happy one.
I'm so glad you told your mom. I can tell that it was huge for you. And I think that in her way, telling you to get your life together and move on may actually be more supportive than it sounds. She cherishes YOU, and wants to see YOU happier.
Your husband is lucky that you see him with forgiving eyes. But that's also part of the problem. Have you ever heard the term "enabler"? It's a word used when someone actually enables someone else to act badly. They may not want to, but they do it for all the reasons you cling to your vision of who your husband used to be. An enabler keeps loaning money to someone who never pays it back. An enabler keeps letting an abusive or violent partner back into their life. An enabler keeps hoping that things will be different, but then actually inadvertently helps keep things exactly the same.
It's a combination of denial and hope. And with two young children, I can certainly understand both.
Alone, let's say you actually were to ask your husband to move out, and he does. What are you most afraid of then? What is it that keeps you stuck more than anything else?
Are you afraid of his anger?
Are you afraid of the fact that he might actually do it?
Are you most concerned with the finances of a separation?
And let's say that it did happen. What would be the best things about it?
That you and your children could live in a peaceful home?
That you could put down this burden of almost parenting your husband?
That you could quit going back and forth and simply try to move forward?
I'm interested in how you see life after a separation. That may be a key to why it's so hard to think about.
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Alone,
You are so welcome. It's a pleasure to write to you, even though I know the topic isn't a very happy one.
I'm so glad you told your mom. I can tell that it was huge for you. And I think that in her way, telling you to get your life together and move on may actually be more supportive than it sounds. She cherishes YOU, and wants to see YOU happier.
Your husband is lucky that you see him with forgiving eyes. But that's also part of the problem. Have you ever heard the term "enabler"? It's a word used when someone actually enables someone else to act badly. They may not want to, but they do it for all the reasons you cling to your vision of who your husband used to be. An enabler keeps loaning money to someone who never pays it back. An enabler keeps letting an abusive or violent partner back into their life. An enabler keeps hoping that things will be different, but then actually inadvertently helps keep things exactly the same.
It's a combination of denial and hope. And with two young children, I can certainly understand both.
Alone, let's say you actually were to ask your husband to move out, and he does. What are you most afraid of then? What is it that keeps you stuck more than anything else?
Are you afraid of his anger?
Are you afraid of the fact that he might actually do it?
Are you most concerned with the finances of a separation?
And let's say that it did happen. What would be the best things about it?
That you and your children could live in a peaceful home?
That you could put down this burden of almost parenting your husband?
That you could quit going back and forth and simply try to move forward?
I'm interested in how you see life after a separation. That may be a key to why it's so hard to think about.
April 13, 2010 - 9:48amThis Comment
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