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(reply to Diane Porter)

What I mean by abusive manipulation is that by having intimate knowledge of her, he is able to trigger certain responses in her (admittedly, I do not know whether or not he does it consciously). He knows full well how to hurt her the worst psychologically, as well as the best ways to talk her through a crisis (such as when her family hurts her). When he hurts her he makes her as vulnerable as she can possibly get, to the point of considering suicide, and at that point he changes course and uses those supportive skills to deescalate the crisis. This in turn creates a dependency on him, after all, when shes at her lowest she can count on him to help her out of it. In effect, she becomes his own emotional yo-yo.
Actually harassment of this nature is a crime, sadly where she lives charges still need to be pressed by the victim, which she won't do. He likely wouldn't go to jail, but could have a restraining order against him, which would send him to prison or at least get him expelled if he continues to persist.
As for other people in her life, frankly as far as I can tell any one of the following is true;
1) They don't know. A sad fact, but all to often people are very good at ignoring what they don't want to see. Several of these altercations have occurred in public, but most in private. She herself stated on several occasions she was "glad" nobody actually saw him throw the punch, or saw all the "fights" as it would have made things worse. As it stands, when it happens it public it is referred to as a "fight"
2) They take her word for it, rather than relying on obvious evidence. She will at every turn defend the situation, even when she is so emotionally shredded she can barely talk or breathe from crying.She insists it is just "how they fight", and that he doesn't mean it, he just says the worst things he can when mad.
3) They just don't care, or at least think it a problem. Her family is emotionally and from reported history, physically abusive. Her mother will verbally harass her, her grandmother, stepfather and little brothers. The ex-boyfriend in question comes from a similar background. From everything I have seen, I don't know that her family would even bother to help her, or think there was a reason to.
Several other friends know of the situation, but never attempt much in the way of intervention.
I suggested counseling once, but she returned with a story about going to a psychiatrist once when someone reported her parents for suspected child abuse, but that doctor took her mother's every word against hers, so now she doesn't trust psychiatrists. I don't know if this is true, but at the least, she still doesn't think there is a problem.

March 24, 2010 - 3:58pm

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