Gosh. You have a lot going on. You're tired, you're extremely busy, you're feeling unappreciated and invisible at times. Am I right? It makes complete sense to me that you are annoyed or angry at times, even when you love your daughters and your life.
Let's talk about things one at a time.
First of all, your girls are 3 and 4. That means that you probably haven't had a great night's sleep in 4+ years, and you have two children who are extremely close in age and take an enormous amount of your love, time, attention and care. It's not like one is 8 and the other is 3, for instance. You have a very busy hands-on parenting job right now.
Second, it's normal that they have some sibling rivalry. They are competing for your attention, for their toys, for everything -- and they spend all their time with each other. My sister and brother were just 20 months apart, and my sister's two youngest kids are just 17 months apart, and in both cases the sibling love was extremely strong AND the sibling rivalry was extremely strong. It sounds par for the course, even though I know it doesn't help when you are feeling frazzled.
Third, you love your husband and say he is a great guy, but I feel some anger and resentment bubbling up about the fact that the home front seems to be all your responsibility. This is the case in so many households where one parent stays home with the children and the other parent works outside the home. The parent who works outside the home feels like home should be their break, their place to relax -- and the person who stays home with the kids feels like they NEVER get a break. Have the two of you talked about this? Have you told him how you feel? In the beginning, did the two of you ever talk about how the household would work?
And here's another question: do YOU assume you should be able to do it all? I know that moms often fall into that trap, and it's not a good place to be. If you're exhausted and overworked, you also probably are not taking care of yourself, either, right?
If your guy is great like you say, he doesn't want you to be tired, sad, angry and frustrated all the time. It feels to me like you need a lunch away from the kids on Saturday afternoon to really talk about this in earnest, for two reasons: 1, so you can get it all out and really share with him and listen to his side too, and 2, so the two of you can make a plan of action. Maybe he takes on some chores permanently. Maybe he takes responsibility for getting the kids to bed a certain number of nights in the week. Maybe you can hire a person to come and clean for you once a week. Maybe you get a babysitter to come spend the day with you once a week, playing with the girls, feeding them lunch and putting them down for their naps so you can get some things done. Would any of those be at all possible? Especially the talk? What would his reaction be?
And now, to your family. Honestly, I don't think it's EVER ok for your family members to yell at your daughters. OK, unless they are in danger -- getting too close to the street, or something. Other than that, NO. It is not all right. It wouldn't be any different if they did have children of their own, in my view. Correcting your children is your job and your husband's job. Period. If anyone else feels the need to correct them when you are there, they should come and tell you. The times when I have corrected my sister's children (she has four and I have none) are FEW and far between and generally happens when she has just told them something, then left the room and they do it again. And the correction always starts with something like, "Now, you knowyour mom just told you not to do that. Let's not get in trouble." Otherwise, my job is to be their loving and spoiling aunt, who adores them just because they are in the world. My job is not to raise them. My job is to enjoy them and to be a supportive adult in the world for them. That is your sister's and brother's job, too, and your mom is there to be their grandmother, not their mom.
I think that -- again, away from the kids -- you need to have a discussion with your mom, sister and brother and tell them that this is just not OK with you. Be strong, and compassionate -- if this has been a habit for a long time, it may be hard for them to break. And after that, if you are there and one of them yells at one of your daughters, immediately, in a calm voice, ask the person doing the yelling to come with you into another room, and be sure they know that that's just not OK with you. It's important that you not yell at the same time. Someone has to keep their cool, you know?
You are completely not alone. Many many many moms have gone through the same thing. But don't lump it all together into one big thing. It's a lot of things, and it's possible that you can address one or two of them individually and that it will start to have a domino effect on something else.
Please don't feel guilty that you don't feel like doing even MORE than you do. You are a good mom doing a tough job and you're tired. You need some help from your husband and a little less interference/criticism of your children by your family. Take one baby step -- any of these that I've written about, or another one that you think will help -- and when that is done, take another. Hang in there, and write back. This is what we're here for.
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Maria09,
Gosh. You have a lot going on. You're tired, you're extremely busy, you're feeling unappreciated and invisible at times. Am I right? It makes complete sense to me that you are annoyed or angry at times, even when you love your daughters and your life.
Let's talk about things one at a time.
First of all, your girls are 3 and 4. That means that you probably haven't had a great night's sleep in 4+ years, and you have two children who are extremely close in age and take an enormous amount of your love, time, attention and care. It's not like one is 8 and the other is 3, for instance. You have a very busy hands-on parenting job right now.
Second, it's normal that they have some sibling rivalry. They are competing for your attention, for their toys, for everything -- and they spend all their time with each other. My sister and brother were just 20 months apart, and my sister's two youngest kids are just 17 months apart, and in both cases the sibling love was extremely strong AND the sibling rivalry was extremely strong. It sounds par for the course, even though I know it doesn't help when you are feeling frazzled.
Third, you love your husband and say he is a great guy, but I feel some anger and resentment bubbling up about the fact that the home front seems to be all your responsibility. This is the case in so many households where one parent stays home with the children and the other parent works outside the home. The parent who works outside the home feels like home should be their break, their place to relax -- and the person who stays home with the kids feels like they NEVER get a break. Have the two of you talked about this? Have you told him how you feel? In the beginning, did the two of you ever talk about how the household would work?
And here's another question: do YOU assume you should be able to do it all? I know that moms often fall into that trap, and it's not a good place to be. If you're exhausted and overworked, you also probably are not taking care of yourself, either, right?
If your guy is great like you say, he doesn't want you to be tired, sad, angry and frustrated all the time. It feels to me like you need a lunch away from the kids on Saturday afternoon to really talk about this in earnest, for two reasons: 1, so you can get it all out and really share with him and listen to his side too, and 2, so the two of you can make a plan of action. Maybe he takes on some chores permanently. Maybe he takes responsibility for getting the kids to bed a certain number of nights in the week. Maybe you can hire a person to come and clean for you once a week. Maybe you get a babysitter to come spend the day with you once a week, playing with the girls, feeding them lunch and putting them down for their naps so you can get some things done. Would any of those be at all possible? Especially the talk? What would his reaction be?
And now, to your family. Honestly, I don't think it's EVER ok for your family members to yell at your daughters. OK, unless they are in danger -- getting too close to the street, or something. Other than that, NO. It is not all right. It wouldn't be any different if they did have children of their own, in my view. Correcting your children is your job and your husband's job. Period. If anyone else feels the need to correct them when you are there, they should come and tell you. The times when I have corrected my sister's children (she has four and I have none) are FEW and far between and generally happens when she has just told them something, then left the room and they do it again. And the correction always starts with something like, "Now, you knowyour mom just told you not to do that. Let's not get in trouble." Otherwise, my job is to be their loving and spoiling aunt, who adores them just because they are in the world. My job is not to raise them. My job is to enjoy them and to be a supportive adult in the world for them. That is your sister's and brother's job, too, and your mom is there to be their grandmother, not their mom.
I think that -- again, away from the kids -- you need to have a discussion with your mom, sister and brother and tell them that this is just not OK with you. Be strong, and compassionate -- if this has been a habit for a long time, it may be hard for them to break. And after that, if you are there and one of them yells at one of your daughters, immediately, in a calm voice, ask the person doing the yelling to come with you into another room, and be sure they know that that's just not OK with you. It's important that you not yell at the same time. Someone has to keep their cool, you know?
You are completely not alone. Many many many moms have gone through the same thing. But don't lump it all together into one big thing. It's a lot of things, and it's possible that you can address one or two of them individually and that it will start to have a domino effect on something else.
Please don't feel guilty that you don't feel like doing even MORE than you do. You are a good mom doing a tough job and you're tired. You need some help from your husband and a little less interference/criticism of your children by your family. Take one baby step -- any of these that I've written about, or another one that you think will help -- and when that is done, take another. Hang in there, and write back. This is what we're here for.
June 4, 2010 - 8:52amThis Comment
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