Hi Diane, thank you so much for your kind and very understanding words. How incredible it is that somebody 'out there' a total stranger could get right to the heart of my deepest emotions so perceptively.
I'll work backwards through your comments - We don't have a family doctor or anyone we could approach for counselling as we actually live in a remote part of Africa. The choice to remain in Africa is really my husband's as it is his work that keeps us here and he is the main 'breadwinner' in our family. My older children are on another continent and I find it very hard being so far from them. I only see them for a couple of weeks once a year and my relationship with them has drifted apart with distance and time. I miss them very much and I want to be a part of their lives, I want to be able to be 'there' for them in a very real sense, to do little things like cook for them every now and then to do their laundry for them. To listen to their worries to be able to give emotional and practical support to them. But sadly our finaces are very restricted and I cannot visit them more often, on top of this they feel resentful to my husband and will not come to visit us even though I would pay for them.They have never got over him leaving me/us when I was pregnant with his son.
When I miscarried I was able to keep my baby, in fact I have her in the deep freeze which I know sounds crazy and very weird but I dont know what else to do with her, I cant bury her here - this is not my home and one day I will leave and I dont want to leave her here alone. Since the day that I put her in the back of the deep freeze (I just know that she was/is a girl even though I was only 7 weeks pregnant) I have never looked or touched the little box that she is in but lately I want to take her out and talk to her, hold her...but I won't. Yes, I'm sure you're thinking I've cracked! I haven't really I just feel such an ache in my arms and my heart where she should be.
I probably do need some kind of grief/miscarriage counselling but it just can't happen. I have to be my own counsellor and try to find a way through this.
Last night my husband and I tried to talk but we came to the same brick wall and I ended up in floods of tears and took a sleeping pill and went to bed. The crux of it is that I feel he 'owes' me, that he is morally indebt to me because he left me whilst pregnant with our son and that he should be able to see how important it is for me to have a child together with him and do it all 'properly'. (My first 2 children were unplanned and unwanted and unacknowledged by their father too).
On one hand I can see that this is unrasonable and yet on the other I still 'feel' like this and feel I have a right to feel this way. I feel so desperately sad, for me, for him for us for our 'family'.
Its true I do feel needed less and less, I started being a mom when I was a teenager and although I have had a career along the way and juggled family and work, its being a mom that means everything to me. Our child is only 10 but already I'm afraid of an 'empty nest'.
I lost my other 2 when they were still teenagers, left them on another continent at college and subsequently they don't see me as 'mom' anymore. They have had to survive on their own without parents.
I never really had things I wanted to do when the kids get older, just things I want to do with the kids.
Its true I don't want my role as mom to end, i guess i mean the bit about providing for all their needs, emotional, physical everything in the way only a small child needs you.
I want to try to explain to my husband (who is not a physically demonstrative man or very communicative) that I need 'big' love. Maybe if i could feel more confident in his feelings for me I could begin to see a future for us without children. These feelings stem from the fact that when we got back together and got married he made it clear that it was not for 'love' but to do the right thing for our child and provide a 'family' and stability. Over these 5 years together he has repeatedly told me that he doesn't 'love' me like 'that' but the he can try to love me. And yet he just as often tells me that he loves me, although the physical side of our relationship is virtually non existent (making me feel rejected again and again). Its so complicated that if it wern't for our child i would give up and walk away. Yet I cant.
I think ideally I would like roses around the door and a house full of babies and a loving husband but in reality the best thing would be for me to accept that this will never be and for me to find peace and happiness with what I have here and now. I need to let go of my grief and resentment to be able to appreciate what I have.
Even if he were to consent to another child, at my age how can I justify the risks and potential for more pain and sadness?
Thanks for your words of support, you have no idea how much it has meant to me to open up my computer and find warmth and understanding for my situation.
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Hi Diane, thank you so much for your kind and very understanding words. How incredible it is that somebody 'out there' a total stranger could get right to the heart of my deepest emotions so perceptively.
I'll work backwards through your comments - We don't have a family doctor or anyone we could approach for counselling as we actually live in a remote part of Africa. The choice to remain in Africa is really my husband's as it is his work that keeps us here and he is the main 'breadwinner' in our family. My older children are on another continent and I find it very hard being so far from them. I only see them for a couple of weeks once a year and my relationship with them has drifted apart with distance and time. I miss them very much and I want to be a part of their lives, I want to be able to be 'there' for them in a very real sense, to do little things like cook for them every now and then to do their laundry for them. To listen to their worries to be able to give emotional and practical support to them. But sadly our finaces are very restricted and I cannot visit them more often, on top of this they feel resentful to my husband and will not come to visit us even though I would pay for them.They have never got over him leaving me/us when I was pregnant with his son.
When I miscarried I was able to keep my baby, in fact I have her in the deep freeze which I know sounds crazy and very weird but I dont know what else to do with her, I cant bury her here - this is not my home and one day I will leave and I dont want to leave her here alone. Since the day that I put her in the back of the deep freeze (I just know that she was/is a girl even though I was only 7 weeks pregnant) I have never looked or touched the little box that she is in but lately I want to take her out and talk to her, hold her...but I won't. Yes, I'm sure you're thinking I've cracked! I haven't really I just feel such an ache in my arms and my heart where she should be.
June 17, 2010 - 1:12amI probably do need some kind of grief/miscarriage counselling but it just can't happen. I have to be my own counsellor and try to find a way through this.
Last night my husband and I tried to talk but we came to the same brick wall and I ended up in floods of tears and took a sleeping pill and went to bed. The crux of it is that I feel he 'owes' me, that he is morally indebt to me because he left me whilst pregnant with our son and that he should be able to see how important it is for me to have a child together with him and do it all 'properly'. (My first 2 children were unplanned and unwanted and unacknowledged by their father too).
On one hand I can see that this is unrasonable and yet on the other I still 'feel' like this and feel I have a right to feel this way. I feel so desperately sad, for me, for him for us for our 'family'.
Its true I do feel needed less and less, I started being a mom when I was a teenager and although I have had a career along the way and juggled family and work, its being a mom that means everything to me. Our child is only 10 but already I'm afraid of an 'empty nest'.
I lost my other 2 when they were still teenagers, left them on another continent at college and subsequently they don't see me as 'mom' anymore. They have had to survive on their own without parents.
I never really had things I wanted to do when the kids get older, just things I want to do with the kids.
Its true I don't want my role as mom to end, i guess i mean the bit about providing for all their needs, emotional, physical everything in the way only a small child needs you.
I want to try to explain to my husband (who is not a physically demonstrative man or very communicative) that I need 'big' love. Maybe if i could feel more confident in his feelings for me I could begin to see a future for us without children. These feelings stem from the fact that when we got back together and got married he made it clear that it was not for 'love' but to do the right thing for our child and provide a 'family' and stability. Over these 5 years together he has repeatedly told me that he doesn't 'love' me like 'that' but the he can try to love me. And yet he just as often tells me that he loves me, although the physical side of our relationship is virtually non existent (making me feel rejected again and again). Its so complicated that if it wern't for our child i would give up and walk away. Yet I cant.
I think ideally I would like roses around the door and a house full of babies and a loving husband but in reality the best thing would be for me to accept that this will never be and for me to find peace and happiness with what I have here and now. I need to let go of my grief and resentment to be able to appreciate what I have.
Even if he were to consent to another child, at my age how can I justify the risks and potential for more pain and sadness?
Thanks for your words of support, you have no idea how much it has meant to me to open up my computer and find warmth and understanding for my situation.
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