[Sorry in advance for the long comment, I did try to make it shorter but hope it helps as a comment from the other perspective]
Hi, I'm a guy with high functioning autism, ADHD and a history of depression and OCD who has been married for just over 12 years (we've been together for 14). Although I always knew something was weird about me and I had trouble negotiating social situations, I was only diagnosed last week. Of course it's been my "special interest" recently! On the other hand, the ADHD was diagnosed a few years ago and my wife had been asking me to get treatment for it for about 5 years before I did. To be honest, the main reasons I didn't want to do it were because I was worried that medication would change parts of me that I liked (e.g. creativity) and I was aware that there were other issues that I didn't want to deal with - life can pretty stressful and it's hard enough without medication upsetting a delicate balance you've constructed, especially when you have a history of failure to meet your own expectations in many areas of your life.
Sure enough, once I began the medication (Strattera) I started having odd symptoms that matched things like autism and bipolar disorder. It was scary, but I kept going as I was learning a lot about myself and my wife thought I was nicer to be with (more engaged and less aggressive, although aggression meant something like saying "leave me alone" or throwing a pen across the room (away from her) if I felt overwhelmed by too much sensory input or demands and felt that I couldn’t express it in words – I’ve never sworn at her or threatened to hurt her in any way, and the last time this happened was about a year ago, before I started the medication). I also noticed that the symptoms hadn't started with the medication, it was more that I was noticing them as distinct and important issues now the ADHD was being addressed to some extent.
To be clear, my wife first suspected that I was autistic soon after we met 16 years ago, but I seemed to be managing fairly well in life without treatment and she didn’t want to make an issue of it, so she didn't tell me. When we first got married, we worked on things like skills for socialising, looking people in the eye, expressing love for each other and being clear with each other. I guess I had a rough idea about a number of issues and I wanted to avoid the kind of miscommunication I’d seen in other relationships, so I asked for a few basic rules to be kept: There must be no passive aggression. I often don’t pick up signals or forget things, so if she thinks I should do something, I may not know. If she tells me, I still may not know. If she tells me in the evening, I’ll forget. If she tells me, I repeat it to her and then I write it down, THEN I know. But I may still forget, so smartphones with notifications have really improved my life. If she wants something or isn’t happy, she MUST tell me. If she hasn’t done that, she is not entitled to feel bitter at all (the same goes for me, of course). I’m probably not trying to insult her or ignore her, but she may feel that way – always ask for clarification and apology if necessary. We have to take each other seriously and respect is important, but she doesn’t have to take my ideas that seriously, especially if I’m in the middle of a train of thought. I will try to find outlets for this to take some pressure off her. Many acts of love feel unnatural to me, but seeing them as actions that will make my wife understand that I love her means that they’re as authentic as saying something in someone else’s language. The learning process isn’t automatic, so we work on it together.
This may seem weird, but pointing out things that make you feel loved and pointing out when you did something to make the other person feel loved is a positive reinforcement mechanism that avoids feelings of bitterness when you feel taken for granted, and makes it easier to do those things next time. You will never change your husband by focusing on the negatives, you will only make him frustrated. This is doubly true for aspies, as we react to a negative emotional environment without knowing it – and we can be very stubborn. However, the opposite is also true and I respond very well to a positive and encouraging environment.
While I may not be particularly far along the spectrum, I have had a number of the same issues. I had no idea that she was interested in me for months, and just saw her as a friend for a long time and with many people trying to give me hints. When we were engaged or just married, I might not say hello to her when I arrived after not seeing her all day, and not be able to talk with her for an hour or more. We have had a number of miscommunications and she finds my obsessions hard to deal with at times (especially when they relate to our relationship or to beliefs – after meeting as missionaries, I became an atheist within four years of getting married). I really can’t just not have obsessions and I can’t prove that they won’t end up in a place that she won’t approve of. Such is life. However, I work on what I can do: she has my respect however different our views may be. I try to create the best conditions to allow us to be happy together, with as little pain as possible if we have to split up for some reason. I work from home and look after the kids while she works – I must take shared responsibility for the house, and she must not become a substitute parent or carer. This also means that I have less contact with people during the day, so I have more energy for the family when she returns from work. I discuss issues online, so I don’t have to bore her with them too much. I try to find obsessions that improve our marriage and make me a better person – feminism, psychology, cooking, child raising etc. From my encounters with theology and philosophy, I am aware of the many different and often harmful conclusions that smart and opinionated people reach – there must be more fundamental things than my opinions, however well-founded I think they are. We have certain contexts where she gets to talk about what is on her mind – generally every evening before bed. Similarly, she has people that she can talk with so I’m not bored with hours of conversation about the various people in her life (I’m not putting that down, it’s important but hearing it is like reading the phone book to me at times).
For my part, I have to think about my attitudes to this relationship: when I first went on the medication about 9 months ago, I became obsessed about divorce. After realising that I had alexithymia and was having difficulty identifying my emotions properly, I tried looking around the issue to analyse how I felt and why. I think it’s because of attachment issues and a feeling that I would be socially isolated without my wife, as well as a fear that I wasn't meeting her needs. Attachment is cute, but it can be dangerous and it can smother your partner. I have to deal with this by being more independent, holding the relationship in an open hand and making sure she is being looked after (and that we communicate more). She does not want to leave me, but we have talked about conditions under which she would do this for her own safety or wellbeing. It’s not that I am aggressive toward her or feel that this is likely to happen, it’s just that there are too many negative stories about husbands with autism and I don’t want my family to be hurt, especially by me.
I also have to think about my goals in life – there are many aspies who make their work or interests into an obsession, and I know how that ends. I try to keep myself grounded and ensure that I am involved with the family and not drifting off. Unfortunately I have a set of neurological issues that can cause a lot of trouble in relationships, but I am trying to make the most of the positive elements and find constructive outlets for the ones that are more risky. I have a very loving and supportive wife who respects me and herself, which makes a lot of difference.
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[Sorry in advance for the long comment, I did try to make it shorter but hope it helps as a comment from the other perspective]
Hi, I'm a guy with high functioning autism, ADHD and a history of depression and OCD who has been married for just over 12 years (we've been together for 14). Although I always knew something was weird about me and I had trouble negotiating social situations, I was only diagnosed last week. Of course it's been my "special interest" recently! On the other hand, the ADHD was diagnosed a few years ago and my wife had been asking me to get treatment for it for about 5 years before I did. To be honest, the main reasons I didn't want to do it were because I was worried that medication would change parts of me that I liked (e.g. creativity) and I was aware that there were other issues that I didn't want to deal with - life can pretty stressful and it's hard enough without medication upsetting a delicate balance you've constructed, especially when you have a history of failure to meet your own expectations in many areas of your life.
Sure enough, once I began the medication (Strattera) I started having odd symptoms that matched things like autism and bipolar disorder. It was scary, but I kept going as I was learning a lot about myself and my wife thought I was nicer to be with (more engaged and less aggressive, although aggression meant something like saying "leave me alone" or throwing a pen across the room (away from her) if I felt overwhelmed by too much sensory input or demands and felt that I couldn’t express it in words – I’ve never sworn at her or threatened to hurt her in any way, and the last time this happened was about a year ago, before I started the medication). I also noticed that the symptoms hadn't started with the medication, it was more that I was noticing them as distinct and important issues now the ADHD was being addressed to some extent.
To be clear, my wife first suspected that I was autistic soon after we met 16 years ago, but I seemed to be managing fairly well in life without treatment and she didn’t want to make an issue of it, so she didn't tell me. When we first got married, we worked on things like skills for socialising, looking people in the eye, expressing love for each other and being clear with each other. I guess I had a rough idea about a number of issues and I wanted to avoid the kind of miscommunication I’d seen in other relationships, so I asked for a few basic rules to be kept: There must be no passive aggression. I often don’t pick up signals or forget things, so if she thinks I should do something, I may not know. If she tells me, I still may not know. If she tells me in the evening, I’ll forget. If she tells me, I repeat it to her and then I write it down, THEN I know. But I may still forget, so smartphones with notifications have really improved my life. If she wants something or isn’t happy, she MUST tell me. If she hasn’t done that, she is not entitled to feel bitter at all (the same goes for me, of course). I’m probably not trying to insult her or ignore her, but she may feel that way – always ask for clarification and apology if necessary. We have to take each other seriously and respect is important, but she doesn’t have to take my ideas that seriously, especially if I’m in the middle of a train of thought. I will try to find outlets for this to take some pressure off her. Many acts of love feel unnatural to me, but seeing them as actions that will make my wife understand that I love her means that they’re as authentic as saying something in someone else’s language. The learning process isn’t automatic, so we work on it together.
This may seem weird, but pointing out things that make you feel loved and pointing out when you did something to make the other person feel loved is a positive reinforcement mechanism that avoids feelings of bitterness when you feel taken for granted, and makes it easier to do those things next time. You will never change your husband by focusing on the negatives, you will only make him frustrated. This is doubly true for aspies, as we react to a negative emotional environment without knowing it – and we can be very stubborn. However, the opposite is also true and I respond very well to a positive and encouraging environment.
While I may not be particularly far along the spectrum, I have had a number of the same issues. I had no idea that she was interested in me for months, and just saw her as a friend for a long time and with many people trying to give me hints. When we were engaged or just married, I might not say hello to her when I arrived after not seeing her all day, and not be able to talk with her for an hour or more. We have had a number of miscommunications and she finds my obsessions hard to deal with at times (especially when they relate to our relationship or to beliefs – after meeting as missionaries, I became an atheist within four years of getting married). I really can’t just not have obsessions and I can’t prove that they won’t end up in a place that she won’t approve of. Such is life. However, I work on what I can do: she has my respect however different our views may be. I try to create the best conditions to allow us to be happy together, with as little pain as possible if we have to split up for some reason. I work from home and look after the kids while she works – I must take shared responsibility for the house, and she must not become a substitute parent or carer. This also means that I have less contact with people during the day, so I have more energy for the family when she returns from work. I discuss issues online, so I don’t have to bore her with them too much. I try to find obsessions that improve our marriage and make me a better person – feminism, psychology, cooking, child raising etc. From my encounters with theology and philosophy, I am aware of the many different and often harmful conclusions that smart and opinionated people reach – there must be more fundamental things than my opinions, however well-founded I think they are. We have certain contexts where she gets to talk about what is on her mind – generally every evening before bed. Similarly, she has people that she can talk with so I’m not bored with hours of conversation about the various people in her life (I’m not putting that down, it’s important but hearing it is like reading the phone book to me at times).
For my part, I have to think about my attitudes to this relationship: when I first went on the medication about 9 months ago, I became obsessed about divorce. After realising that I had alexithymia and was having difficulty identifying my emotions properly, I tried looking around the issue to analyse how I felt and why. I think it’s because of attachment issues and a feeling that I would be socially isolated without my wife, as well as a fear that I wasn't meeting her needs. Attachment is cute, but it can be dangerous and it can smother your partner. I have to deal with this by being more independent, holding the relationship in an open hand and making sure she is being looked after (and that we communicate more). She does not want to leave me, but we have talked about conditions under which she would do this for her own safety or wellbeing. It’s not that I am aggressive toward her or feel that this is likely to happen, it’s just that there are too many negative stories about husbands with autism and I don’t want my family to be hurt, especially by me.
I also have to think about my goals in life – there are many aspies who make their work or interests into an obsession, and I know how that ends. I try to keep myself grounded and ensure that I am involved with the family and not drifting off. Unfortunately I have a set of neurological issues that can cause a lot of trouble in relationships, but I am trying to make the most of the positive elements and find constructive outlets for the ones that are more risky. I have a very loving and supportive wife who respects me and herself, which makes a lot of difference.
May 18, 2016 - 5:34amThis Comment
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