Hi c_tiana,
Thanks for your note, and for finding EmpowHER. What a crazy time this is, huh? I'm not a therapist, but I definitely can advocate for you on this. I completely understand that you found things you didn't want to (it would bother me too), and you may have a hard time trusting him going forward even in the most ideal situation, so maybe it would be best to take a step back from it. All you can do is remove the focus on him and his behavior and put it on yourself. Be glad you're dating, and not married. Trust me and my experience having gone though some messy relationships that ended badly. It's telling me that you need to ask yourself what you want in a relationship. Trust is a big thing. To be desired is another thing. Are you getting that in your current relationship? Handle it logically, and with poise as much as you can, like a business transaction. Is it good business for you to stay, or do you think you need to work on repairing your hurt and get yourself ready for what's next regardless of what that is.
You and your boyfriend may be good friends, and that's ok. You will need some boundaries--it may take some time to establish, and won't be easy. You may stumble, but keep at it. When you get there, you may see things clearer. It's up to you what you decide, but just make sure to be true to yourself. You're the only you that you've got. It may sound silly, but you deserve to be comfortable in your relationship, and not compromise on something like this if you don't want to. Be strong. If you need further support, we're here for you.
Here's a similar thread from a woman whose husband was found to be watching gay porn--it may help you in your situation:
https://www.empowher.com/community/share/my-husband-gay
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
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Hi c_tiana,
October 12, 2010 - 11:57amThanks for your note, and for finding EmpowHER. What a crazy time this is, huh? I'm not a therapist, but I definitely can advocate for you on this. I completely understand that you found things you didn't want to (it would bother me too), and you may have a hard time trusting him going forward even in the most ideal situation, so maybe it would be best to take a step back from it. All you can do is remove the focus on him and his behavior and put it on yourself. Be glad you're dating, and not married. Trust me and my experience having gone though some messy relationships that ended badly. It's telling me that you need to ask yourself what you want in a relationship. Trust is a big thing. To be desired is another thing. Are you getting that in your current relationship? Handle it logically, and with poise as much as you can, like a business transaction. Is it good business for you to stay, or do you think you need to work on repairing your hurt and get yourself ready for what's next regardless of what that is.
You and your boyfriend may be good friends, and that's ok. You will need some boundaries--it may take some time to establish, and won't be easy. You may stumble, but keep at it. When you get there, you may see things clearer. It's up to you what you decide, but just make sure to be true to yourself. You're the only you that you've got. It may sound silly, but you deserve to be comfortable in your relationship, and not compromise on something like this if you don't want to. Be strong. If you need further support, we're here for you.
Here's a similar thread from a woman whose husband was found to be watching gay porn--it may help you in your situation:
https://www.empowher.com/community/share/my-husband-gay
Good luck and let us know how you are doing.
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