I think this is a really great article that offers really valuable advice.
Labels can be so problematic because they mean different things for different people. Words like "dating" or "relationship" or "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" mean different things to different people.
I think it's much more productive to talk about what you actually want. Let the person know what your own needs, desires, and boundaries are. Some people are reluctant to enter into a relationship because they think it means a certain thing (exclusivity, or a certain commitment of time and energy, or a certain degree of emotional intimacy), and others enter into a relationship but then are upset when the other person doesn't give them what they want. The reality is, the things that a relationship means all vary from one person to another. There are polyamorous people who are not interested in exclusivity (and many people who might really want this are, unfortunately, not honest with themselves about it and have a chronic problem with cheating in monogamous relationships), then there are busy people who may actually not want a major time commitment (and this varies from time to time in their lives), there are private people and more rational/logical people who may not place as much of an importance on sharing of emotions. Rather than assume that a relationship needs to mean a certain fixed set of things, it's always good to think about what it means, share with your partner (or potential partner), and ask what it means to them and what they want.
The problem I've run into most often, especially when dating younger people, is that our society does not encourage questioning of labels. We are often raised with implicit assumptions: they come from our parents, often from religion, and from our peer groups and the media. Often, these assumptions can lead to a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering, when people assume that everyone has the same assumptions--the reality is that they do not; it's not safe to assume that things mean the same to you as to another person.
This article is encouraging questioning and looking deeper, and I think that's really a great thing.
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I think this is a really great article that offers really valuable advice.
Labels can be so problematic because they mean different things for different people. Words like "dating" or "relationship" or "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" mean different things to different people.
I think it's much more productive to talk about what you actually want. Let the person know what your own needs, desires, and boundaries are. Some people are reluctant to enter into a relationship because they think it means a certain thing (exclusivity, or a certain commitment of time and energy, or a certain degree of emotional intimacy), and others enter into a relationship but then are upset when the other person doesn't give them what they want. The reality is, the things that a relationship means all vary from one person to another. There are polyamorous people who are not interested in exclusivity (and many people who might really want this are, unfortunately, not honest with themselves about it and have a chronic problem with cheating in monogamous relationships), then there are busy people who may actually not want a major time commitment (and this varies from time to time in their lives), there are private people and more rational/logical people who may not place as much of an importance on sharing of emotions. Rather than assume that a relationship needs to mean a certain fixed set of things, it's always good to think about what it means, share with your partner (or potential partner), and ask what it means to them and what they want.
The problem I've run into most often, especially when dating younger people, is that our society does not encourage questioning of labels. We are often raised with implicit assumptions: they come from our parents, often from religion, and from our peer groups and the media. Often, these assumptions can lead to a lot of unnecessary pain and suffering, when people assume that everyone has the same assumptions--the reality is that they do not; it's not safe to assume that things mean the same to you as to another person.
This article is encouraging questioning and looking deeper, and I think that's really a great thing.
January 31, 2011 - 9:11amThis Comment
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