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Anonymous

I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship for over 5 years and here is what a day in my life looks like. My husband:
- criticizes how I cook, clean the house, do the laundry, mother my daughter, spend money even though I am VERY frugal and spend little money on myself.
- he sits on the couch while I cook, clean and do laundry.
- quits jobs without discussing with me first.
- throws things out that are mine. He thinks they are "clutter" or not important. Some of these things are family heirlooms.
- wants my 15 year old daughter to be out of the house when he is home (he is a long-haul truck driver, so is away for days at a time) and he insists that I not talk to her on the phone when he is home - forcing me to call and text her in secret.
- NEVER asks about my day or my job.
- doesn't attend my family functions
- doesn't come with me to anything yet expects me to accompany him to everything from doctor's appointments to job interviews.
- disguises put-downs as questions. They usually start out like, "Can I ask you something?"
- holds anger just below the surface and I don't know when it will erupt.
- his angry responses are always at a level 10 out of 10 - he's never mildly annoyed - it's all or nothing. A counsellor once called it "bringing an elephant gun to a squirrel fight". So I walk on egg-shells never knowing when the next explosion will happen.
- doesn't touch me affectionately but expects sex when he wants. My sexual satisfaction is unimportant to him. There is NO physical intimacy.
- gives me the silent treatment for days on end.
- has threatened to leave me about 20 times in 5 years and move back to the province (we're in Canada) where his family is. Meanwhile our house has been in various stages of renovation which he started - which would make it difficult for me to sell it in it's unfinished state. (Don't worry - I'm working on getting it "market ready")
- belittles my religious and political beliefs, saying things like, "That's the problem with your church" (I'm a minister by the way) or "I can't believe you voted for that guy."
- calls my male peers "my boyfriends", saying things like, "did you meet with your minister boyfriend today? Is there something going on between you two?" Of course that immediately puts me on the defensive.
- he calls women "broads".
Each of these things on their own doesn't seem like a big deal, however, when you look at them cumulatively, it's pretty sad.
My husband is the victim of child abuse and that's sad, however, I've come to realize that by continually forgiving his behavior I am not holding him accountable and am actually enabling him to continue to be like this.
I am working on a plan to get out of the marriage because it is evident that he cannot change. His view of women and marriage roles have been engrained in him by unhealthy men in his life. I hope that my walking away can be an act of love and not punishment. I really hope that he can get well and find peace - but he doesn't get to do that at my expense and at the expense of my relationship with my daughter.
I pray for all you women who are in similar situations.
Karen

February 24, 2016 - 9:39am

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