I would not classify not sharing honest emotions and feelings with a spouse to be emotionally abusive on their part. It is hurtful, yes. But it is often a sign of fear on her part.
And it may not be clear why. Maybe she doesn't know how to put what she's feeling into words. From a woman's perspective, sharing what you're really feeling makes you feel really vulnerable, and some of the more sensitive issues are more for "girl" friend time, not necessarily husbands. It's nothing against you, in that instance, just the way our woman psyche works.
I wouldn't say you're the cause, from what I can gather from your message, but perhaps there was a male figure in the past who wasn't as receptive to those feelings. Or, perhaps, when the feelings were shared all she got was "Well, you shouldn't feel that way. Don't be so silly." Or something to that effect.
It's hard to tell though from this side if this is a symptom of her being depressed or just the way she's learned to function. It will take a lot of love and understanding from you to break that cycle she's fallen into. In the meantime, definitely keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that her silence worries you, and you're concerned for her, that keeping these things inside will eat away at her, and just keep reassuring her.
Many women grow up with people not believing or being interested in what they feel, and so they learn to keep things to themselves to keep them from being hurt.
If this seems to happen all the time, it may not be a bad idea to seek marriage counseling, to help you both learn to communicate better between you. Statistically speaking, the 7th-year mark is usually a pivotal point in a marriage, and the first 7 years are the toughest on a marriage because there's an adjustment period of learning to live with the other person and learning to incorporate two lives together. People don't realize before they're married how much work this entails. There is certainly no shame in asking for help. It shows that you really want this to work and are willing to do it.
In broaching the subject with her though avoid making it sound like this is her issue...but "our" issue. There is nothing "wrong" with her, or you or the marriage, but "you" want to make sure that "you're" doing things "right". For a woman who may have been betrayed in the past even such a seemingly simple thing as communicating real feelings may finally find a safe outlet. Keep reminding her that you're committed to her and to the marriage. It sounds like you love her very much, otherwise it wouldn't hurt so much that she doesn't confide in you.
If she doesn't have any "girl" friends, it would be great if you could foster that kind of interaction for her. Encourage her to go out. As I said, there are certain things that only other girls can understand, and that may also be a good source of support for her.
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I would not classify not sharing honest emotions and feelings with a spouse to be emotionally abusive on their part. It is hurtful, yes. But it is often a sign of fear on her part.
And it may not be clear why. Maybe she doesn't know how to put what she's feeling into words. From a woman's perspective, sharing what you're really feeling makes you feel really vulnerable, and some of the more sensitive issues are more for "girl" friend time, not necessarily husbands. It's nothing against you, in that instance, just the way our woman psyche works.
I wouldn't say you're the cause, from what I can gather from your message, but perhaps there was a male figure in the past who wasn't as receptive to those feelings. Or, perhaps, when the feelings were shared all she got was "Well, you shouldn't feel that way. Don't be so silly." Or something to that effect.
It's hard to tell though from this side if this is a symptom of her being depressed or just the way she's learned to function. It will take a lot of love and understanding from you to break that cycle she's fallen into. In the meantime, definitely keep the lines of communication open. Let her know that her silence worries you, and you're concerned for her, that keeping these things inside will eat away at her, and just keep reassuring her.
Many women grow up with people not believing or being interested in what they feel, and so they learn to keep things to themselves to keep them from being hurt.
If this seems to happen all the time, it may not be a bad idea to seek marriage counseling, to help you both learn to communicate better between you. Statistically speaking, the 7th-year mark is usually a pivotal point in a marriage, and the first 7 years are the toughest on a marriage because there's an adjustment period of learning to live with the other person and learning to incorporate two lives together. People don't realize before they're married how much work this entails. There is certainly no shame in asking for help. It shows that you really want this to work and are willing to do it.
In broaching the subject with her though avoid making it sound like this is her issue...but "our" issue. There is nothing "wrong" with her, or you or the marriage, but "you" want to make sure that "you're" doing things "right". For a woman who may have been betrayed in the past even such a seemingly simple thing as communicating real feelings may finally find a safe outlet. Keep reminding her that you're committed to her and to the marriage. It sounds like you love her very much, otherwise it wouldn't hurt so much that she doesn't confide in you.
If she doesn't have any "girl" friends, it would be great if you could foster that kind of interaction for her. Encourage her to go out. As I said, there are certain things that only other girls can understand, and that may also be a good source of support for her.
Hope this helps.
April 26, 2011 - 10:53amThis Comment
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