Hi,
I'm sorry you are going through this, but am happy to read that you sound like you have made some good attempts at talking openly with your boyfriend, and are not blaming all of this on yourself (you sound like a strong, intelligent and thoughtful woman!).
You really have answered your own question, within your post. I can give you some perspective on your situation, but the only person who can tell you why your boyfriend is uninterested in an intimate relationship with you is...your boyfriend.
My perspective is: you probably do not have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend, but you may have a higher interest or motivation in making your relationship work long-term than your boyfriend. You have given many reasons/excused for his not wanting intimacy, but after several failed attempts, his behavior is speaking louder than words. You can't "make" someone want to be intimate, or change their mind into becoming more interested. He is a grown man, and can make his own decisions. Unfortunately, he is deciding to behave in ways that are not healthy for a long-term relationship, and this is probably where your focus needs to be (sex is usually just a symptom of larger concerns).
My red flags in your relationship, from your post, is that he is pushing you away and refusing to provide answers or to talk. Lack of communication, and refusing to discuss difficult topics does not create a long-lasting relationship, and he is choosing to not communicate with you about intimate topics. He absolutely can tell you if he is sad, depressed, high, scared, not in the mood...these are all acceptable communication terms that two people committed to a relationship would use in a conversation. You sound like you are having a conversation with a brick wall (does it feel like that?!), and he is not committed to this relationship in the same way you are at this time.
You have all of the information in front of you, and as I mentioned, you have solved your own problem with providing your own answers. You want to create intimacy, but he doesn't want to. That is his choice, and you can't "make" someone want to be intimate (either sex, or through intimate conversations or emotions). I am sorry he is not communicating his true feelings or emotions with you (anything from being sad, depressed, feeling "unsexy" without a job, not knowing what he wants in life, not wanting a girlfriend...etc).
Bottom line: there are too many possibilities to even speculate on his feelings right now, and without him communicating with you on his feelings and intentions, all you have to go on are his behaviors. If his behaviors (which are most likely mirroring his feelings) are showing you that he is uninterested, not trying, emotionally and physically detached from you...is this the type of relationship you envisioned for yourself? If not, what can you do for yourself to be happy? Can you begin focusing on yourself (and not trying to get him a job, trying to get him to be physically intimate, etc), and be with people who DO value your companionship? Can you participate more in activities, clubs, organizations, hobbies that you love, and make you happy? Perhaps by focusing less on your boyfriend, he will have more time to focus on himself and not worry about you...that would be the happy ending. Or, by focusing more on yourself, you will realize there are other genuinely-happy people who love to be around you and you don't have to try so hard to be with them.
Comment Reply
Hi,
I'm sorry you are going through this, but am happy to read that you sound like you have made some good attempts at talking openly with your boyfriend, and are not blaming all of this on yourself (you sound like a strong, intelligent and thoughtful woman!).
You really have answered your own question, within your post. I can give you some perspective on your situation, but the only person who can tell you why your boyfriend is uninterested in an intimate relationship with you is...your boyfriend.
My perspective is: you probably do not have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend, but you may have a higher interest or motivation in making your relationship work long-term than your boyfriend. You have given many reasons/excused for his not wanting intimacy, but after several failed attempts, his behavior is speaking louder than words. You can't "make" someone want to be intimate, or change their mind into becoming more interested. He is a grown man, and can make his own decisions. Unfortunately, he is deciding to behave in ways that are not healthy for a long-term relationship, and this is probably where your focus needs to be (sex is usually just a symptom of larger concerns).
My red flags in your relationship, from your post, is that he is pushing you away and refusing to provide answers or to talk. Lack of communication, and refusing to discuss difficult topics does not create a long-lasting relationship, and he is choosing to not communicate with you about intimate topics. He absolutely can tell you if he is sad, depressed, high, scared, not in the mood...these are all acceptable communication terms that two people committed to a relationship would use in a conversation. You sound like you are having a conversation with a brick wall (does it feel like that?!), and he is not committed to this relationship in the same way you are at this time.
You have all of the information in front of you, and as I mentioned, you have solved your own problem with providing your own answers. You want to create intimacy, but he doesn't want to. That is his choice, and you can't "make" someone want to be intimate (either sex, or through intimate conversations or emotions). I am sorry he is not communicating his true feelings or emotions with you (anything from being sad, depressed, feeling "unsexy" without a job, not knowing what he wants in life, not wanting a girlfriend...etc).
Bottom line: there are too many possibilities to even speculate on his feelings right now, and without him communicating with you on his feelings and intentions, all you have to go on are his behaviors. If his behaviors (which are most likely mirroring his feelings) are showing you that he is uninterested, not trying, emotionally and physically detached from you...is this the type of relationship you envisioned for yourself? If not, what can you do for yourself to be happy? Can you begin focusing on yourself (and not trying to get him a job, trying to get him to be physically intimate, etc), and be with people who DO value your companionship? Can you participate more in activities, clubs, organizations, hobbies that you love, and make you happy? Perhaps by focusing less on your boyfriend, he will have more time to focus on himself and not worry about you...that would be the happy ending. Or, by focusing more on yourself, you will realize there are other genuinely-happy people who love to be around you and you don't have to try so hard to be with them.
best wishes!
July 24, 2011 - 9:04pmThis Comment
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