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My husband and I have been, happily, together for almost 10 years. Just this month we bought our first house and moved out of the tiny condo we had been renting. My husband enjoys sex, but not with any frequency. He has sex with me maybe 4-5 times a month, which I have just accepted over the years. I'm a once maybe even twice a day kind of girl and my husband knows it, teases me about it and jokes about it. It's not something he isn't aware of. Our sex, when we have it, is very good; I have never told him no (i.e. i have a headache, tired, whatever) and I'm always willing to try ANYTHING he wants to try.
In our new house he has an entire room all to himself. His own 'man cave' for his hobbies and music. A couple days ago as I was unpacking boxes in one room I found something that belonged in the man cave so I brought it into the room and caught him with his shorts down and he was hanging out...when he realized I had come into the room he quickly pulled his shorts back up and I just thought...ehhh must have a ball itch or something. No big deal and completely put it out of my mind.
This morning was different.
I work nights so I sleep during the day normally. He left his cell phone in the bedroom and it rang and woke me up so I picked it up and brought it down stairs to the man cave. Now, I'm also severely nearsighted and didn't bother putting my glasses on but I didn't need them to know what was going on when I walked in. There was porn on his monitor, his shorts were down, he was fondling himself and there was a sock on his desk. He had his earphones on and didn't hear me come in until I set his cell in front of him. Then he jumped and pulled his shorts on and said "Excuse me!" not like...i was in his face but more like... he was sorry...
I quickly left the room and crawled back in bed and just lay there expecting him to come and.... I don't know...Talk to me? Want to finish with me if NOTHING else?! But no. Nothing. I heard him calling back the person who had called and then he went out.
Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep for work tonight. It isn't even so much that I feel cheated ON as I feel CHEATED. I am always wanting and willing and I only get sex 4 times a month and he has the selfish nerve to have sex without me? I stopped attempting to initiate sex between us years ago because I was getting hurt from all the rejection. So I wait for him to initiate. Then he goes and initiates himself without me. Now, if it is about the porn, I may even be willing to watch some occasionally WITH HIM DURING OUR sex... if he talked with me about it if that was something he wanted. I'm so ANGRY right now and less hurt but I am hurt. Why do I only get satisfied 4 times a month and then he can satisfy himself in between?
I'm 8 years younger than him, I'm a good looking woman, in good shape, well groomed, I've got two degrees and I work hard. The angry part of me is thinking "Well if he is allowed to have sex without me, I should be able to find some guy out there who would be willing to satisfy me." That's just the anger talking, I don't WANT anyone else... I just want what is mine ...as often as I can get it. I'm scared to breach the topic with him. I won't probably see him for another day do to my work/sleep schedule and his work, but I'm not even sure how to talk to him about it without just flipping out.
Why not have sex with an open, willing and adventurous partner but instead watch some crappy porn on a tiny monitor? HELP.
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Add a Comment26 Comments
Over 4 years from the original post (which was not me). Nothing has changed for me despite my efforts to initiate talking about it my wife. She denies having ever masturbated in her entire life--hence no need to do it now. She stopped having sex with me about 18 years ago. The ONLY sexual outlet I have is porn. She has caught me several times and gets mad about it for about a month, but never offers to or responds to my sexual advances. Separation is not an option for many reasons. Not sure where to turn.
October 2, 2017 - 10:48amThis Comment
Hello Anon
I'm sorry you've been dealing with this for 18 years.
October 2, 2017 - 3:36pmYour wife doesn't really have a right to chastise you for having a sexual outlet; you have been left abandoned in a very important aspect of life - your sexuality.
It's very hard for us to give you advice on what to do. I'm sure you have thought of the alternatives (a dating service for example, for female company) but that is going outside the bounds of your marriage. You haven't explained your reasons for having to stay in the marriage (are you absolutely sure?) but if you must stay, you're living a very difficult, uncompromising life - as I'm sure you can attest to.
Susan
This Comment
Thanks for the reply. I am so jealous of the women posting here that want sex more often.
Separation reasons; primarily I cannot afford to split our assists—I know it sounds selfish but our retirement nest egg was all my work. We are in our early 60s.
I have grown to accept the rejection, but why can I not at least do it myself? How is that hurting her in ANY way? Why do I have to sneak around the house to do it? Worse, to here hear laugh at sexual innuendo in TV shows and movies—I take that as mocking. She has told me her friends are not having sex, so she is justified.
October 3, 2017 - 5:21amThis Comment
Know your pain. My husband of 22 years no longer seems very attracted to me. He tells me daily that he loves me and thinks I'm sexy (even though I'm disabled and have gained a bit of weight) but actions are louder than words. Even though I am disabled I am still able to enjoy sex and crave it often but he is just not into it. He will make excuses or not be able to get it up or not keep it up. Also won't look at me during it. But when he watches porn he is at attention without a problem. He will have a problem having sex with me then turn around an hour later and be going at it. He is sneaky about it and lies to me about it.
Just to be clear, I'm not mad about masturbating, I just feel the porn takes it to a different level.
It makes me feel like he is just tired of me and wants to look at something else. It is bad enough that I can't do everything I used to do but it makes me feel so ugly. It is killing my confidence in myself. It is changing sex for me into something else. Instead of an incredible rush it now feels like begging and pleading for him to be physically interested. Like I am crying asking him to want me.
August 14, 2017 - 7:20amThis Comment
I'm a 42 male...wife is 41. I am always open for sex but my wife is not. Yet when she is alone (she ravels for work) she masturbates. I hardly consider myself to be hurt by this, but wish we could make something work.
June 1, 2017 - 11:14amThis Comment
This is something that I never would have expected from my husband.....and I'm at a loss how to handle it. He's home much of the day. His drinking has increased...we've not had good sex (except for his drunken attempts..that leave me totally frustrated and unsatisfied) in several months or maybe close to a year now.
May 16, 2017 - 8:28amA few weeks ago, I found a 'clip' of porn that apparently he had been watching...but the file had been removed so I couldn't trace it. I let it go...didn't ask. Last week I had an errand to run and stopped at home to drop off my purchases. I walk into the computer room and see him sitting at the computer nude from the waist down holding his penis...he had a library of videos that he seemed to be browsing through and didn't hear me come in the room. I just said "Well I guess I don't have to ask what you are doing." He was startled and just said, "Nope...What are you doing home?" I was so mortified...I just left.
He calls me hours later, when I didn't come straight home from work and says he doesn't know why I am mad at him..."You didn't see anything and you're mistaken about what you did see". REALLY????
I've tried talking about it, but he clams up and won't discuss it.
Have any of you ladies found a way to deal with this? I'm hurt and I don't know how to get past this...We've been married for 16 yrs and have had many ups and downs..but we always got past it and I truly love him. I'm at a loss..
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Well, not the OP, but it is now going on 17.5 years, 8 months since my first Anon reply, and still no intamacy from my wife. So, I actually plan time alone to masturbate to porn every day. If I didn't do that, I would have no sexual release, ever.
She will retire soon and be around the house full time so privacy will certainly be reduced. May have to get a lock for the basement door.
May 11, 2017 - 5:08amThis Comment
So it's been 4 years since Anonymous wrote this. I would love to know what happened? What the outcome was? This story is kinda like what I'm going thru.
May 9, 2017 - 6:47amThis Comment
Its not easy being on our side of the fence. What I learned from my husband who is also an addict is that its not their intention to hurt us, its very hard to kick because there becomes an ideal look of a fantasy partner and sometimes they may also try to persuade you into changing your look depending on their likes and dislikes. Its also a touchy subject for men so discussing it is a no no, but as far as I could tell, the upper hand is ours to change our routine/mainstream relationship to fit into their ideals a bit more. I found that my sex life went downhill from the time he witnessed the birth of our first child. They say nothing changes but mentally I have found we are now only baby machines instead of the hot wife they married. I value his honesty so I'm gonna try to work on myself for both of us and see if that works.
February 16, 2017 - 8:32amThis Comment
My husband denies masturbating but I always find an icky washcloth in his dirty clothes. He might have sex with me once or twice a year so I'm totally frustrated. So if you are having more often, count yourself lucky.
February 5, 2017 - 8:57pmThis Comment