I have been married for 42 years to my one and only boyfriend. I was 17 when we met. I fell MADLY in love with him. We dated 5 years before marrying. After years of infertility and miscarriages, we succeeded in having 4 children. He has cheated on me since we met (I did not know this until after the marriage). Was not 100% sure of the cheating until 6 years ago when I discovered some emails left open on his computer that were quite explicit. I filed for divorce, but decided I could not go through with it. He promised many things that I requested when I told him I would stay (none have been carried through). He is retired, now, has gotten involved in a life long hobby of mine and totally destroyed it for me as I am apparently an idiot who has no idea what I'm talking about - on this subject or any other for that matter. Three of our children are very troubled in one way or another, I believe because of their father's emotional abuse and disinterest. They are all in their 30's, now, and 2 are quite dependent on us, though one is getting married, soon. I feel that there is so much chaos in their lives, I cannot risk disrupting them further by running off to save myself. I do not have the emotional strength to deal with this man and so try to ignore it, but frequently fantasize about hanging myself. I hate myself so much for who I have become. I just hate myself. I lost the closest of my 3 sisters last year, which has made this even harder. She was my rock. 9.5 months younger than me, like my twin. It's been over a year and it still hurts so much. I have no partner in this life. I do not hang myself for my kid's sakes, alone.
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I have been married for 42 years to my one and only boyfriend. I was 17 when we met. I fell MADLY in love with him. We dated 5 years before marrying. After years of infertility and miscarriages, we succeeded in having 4 children. He has cheated on me since we met (I did not know this until after the marriage). Was not 100% sure of the cheating until 6 years ago when I discovered some emails left open on his computer that were quite explicit. I filed for divorce, but decided I could not go through with it. He promised many things that I requested when I told him I would stay (none have been carried through). He is retired, now, has gotten involved in a life long hobby of mine and totally destroyed it for me as I am apparently an idiot who has no idea what I'm talking about - on this subject or any other for that matter. Three of our children are very troubled in one way or another, I believe because of their father's emotional abuse and disinterest. They are all in their 30's, now, and 2 are quite dependent on us, though one is getting married, soon. I feel that there is so much chaos in their lives, I cannot risk disrupting them further by running off to save myself. I do not have the emotional strength to deal with this man and so try to ignore it, but frequently fantasize about hanging myself. I hate myself so much for who I have become. I just hate myself. I lost the closest of my 3 sisters last year, which has made this even harder. She was my rock. 9.5 months younger than me, like my twin. It's been over a year and it still hurts so much. I have no partner in this life. I do not hang myself for my kid's sakes, alone.
July 10, 2016 - 10:03amThis Comment
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