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19 and I've just found out i'm pregnant. What should i do?

By Anonymous October 27, 2009 - 8:07pm
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I have just had my 19th birthday and i've found out i'm pregnant about 8wks now. My boyfiend told me he could'nt have kids that he'd be tested before, so the few times we had unprotected sex i thought it would be ok. Now he wants us to get married, get a house together. I just don't know whether i want a baby now. I'm due to finish college soon and i thought when i did start a family it would be with my husband when we have money and a nice house. Not now we both live with are parents, i hate my boyfriend at the moment for telling me lie's about him not being able to have kids, which he's addmitted he's done. We will end up in a horrible house in the worst part of town, living of benefits for years and then working for minimun wage. Then having to see that b*sta*rd for the rest of my life, i really hate him at the moment. I just don't know what to do keep the baby or have a abortion. Would i be able to cope with the decision i make? Any thoughts anyone? Please......

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EmpowHER Guest

thank you for all your replies. this has tuely been the most terrible desion i've ever made and i don't know if it was the right one (there's always doubts running through my head) but i decided to have a abortion.

I split up with my boyfriend has i really hate him and he's probably lied to me about other things. I felt as if i was going through this alone and weird because i felt unhappy that this happened while he was going around telling everyone. When we split after arguing he went and rang my parents telling them 'she's dumed me because she's pregnant'. i did'nt want them to know, how stupid i've been and i knew my mum would want me to keep the baby. my dad was more for abortion.

we went (me and my parents) to college where they have a health place thing, which is where i found out i was pregnant. they did another test, i think my parents wanted to see the results for themselves. the test came up positive straight away before the time was up. my mum was crying and i did'nt know what to do. the nurse said if i wanted a abortion i'd have to see two councilers first, so she booked me in for that. even she was changing her mind well keeping the baby you could still do this.... having a abortion you'll be able to focus on your career while leaving college soon.

all i really wanted was for someone to tell me what to do, i did'nt want to be the one to make this decision.

i went to see the counciler's a few days later who just asked me a few questions and said ok you can have a abortion if you want. i thought whats the point in seeing them, they was no help, it was as if, if your with the dad keep it, if not get rid. i had a check up while i was there, they took some blood, my blood pressure, weight and checked my stomach ( i had a surprise when they did that, finger inside me while pressing my stomach)

They booked me in for a abortion the following week saying i'd be there for the day, i'd be under general anasthetic and it would take 15 minutes to do.

I told my friends and my ex that i was'nt pregnant that it was a infection that had caused the positive pregnancy test

i went to the clinic on the day and was told to put a gown on and put into bed on a ward with a few other women, there was some that seemed not bothered but most looked really scared and nervous. after a few hours they came in and started to take each person. i remember having the anathetic and walking up what seemed like minutes later back in the ward. for a split second i felt relieved that it was all over and then scared that i'd done the wrong thing.

we had to stay there for a few hours and have a sandwich before we was allowed to go. they gave us antibiotics to take for a week and a leter to show are doctor for a follow up check to see if everything is ok. on the letter it said i was 10/11 weeks pregnant. they said my hormones might be all over the place for a few weeks

going home to my parents was horrible, them knowing what i'd just done.

i don't know if i've done the right thing or not and i surpose i never will. i get upset when i see babies, or hear the word pregnant outside, on tv, films etc...

i just want everything to go back to normal. i hope my parents don't hate me or think i'm a slut. this was the first lad i'd ever been with. i just keep getting upset all the time and thinking a baby would it have been so hard to keep it

November 26, 2009 - 6:59am
(reply to Anonymous)


Here's what you need to keep in mind: That you thought long and hard about this decision, and that you didn't make it lightly. You did the best you could. That's all anyone can ask of you.

The reason no one could tell you what to do was that it WAS your decision, completely. No matter how strongly anyone felt about this one way or the other, it was not their place to tell you which way to go.

Anon, now is where the hard work starts. Now you have to take care of you, make good decisions about your future, choose honest people to be in relationships with you, and move forward. You will naturally always think about this -- it just comes with the territory, and it should. Sometimes you will know you made the right decision; other times you will not be sure. That's natural.

Your parents do not hate you or think you are a slut. They also experienced a lot of emotions -- hurt, anger, disappointment -- but they would not have experienced all those emotions if they didn't love you and want the best for you. It waas unfortunate the way they found out, but in the big scheme of things, that's fairly minor.

Move forward now, Anon, and be kind to yourself. And if you think of it, keep us posted every once in a while on how you're doing, OK?

November 26, 2009 - 9:03am
EmpowHER Guest

Keep in mind it is still your life. You should never rush into marriage or buying a house. I waited 8 years before I married my husband. People tried to push us, but by the time we did we were ready and sure of our decision. I have known lots of girls through college who have a baby before marriage and either marry the guy later or don't at all. Think about what is right for you. Try to keep him out of your head for a while. I know (technically) its his baby too, but he doesn't have to deal with the physical, emotional, and mental changes that come with it. Find somebody you trust to talk to, your mom, aunt, an older friend. You need to be supported and loved. This guy does not sound like he is doing that for you. Good luck. Do what you really want to do without bending to somebody else. Get all the advice you want, but pay attention to your head and heart.

October 29, 2009 - 4:54pm

This is a sensitive topic and one that EVERYONE has an opinion on. I'm 45 but I have a daughter who is 15 and if she got pregnant we would strongly consider an abortion or adoption. As for your boyfriend, I think you are on the right track with your anger and I would leave him for lying to you. With "friends" like that who needs enemies. Lastly, take a deep breath and remember you will work through this and will look back on it becoming a stronger women no matter what you ultimately decide. Good Luck and let us know what you decided to do by posting back. We are all pulling for you!

October 29, 2009 - 4:27pm
EmpowHER Guest

I had an abortion when i was 18 and it was the best thing I could've done for myself at the time. If the time is not right to have a child(and it doesn't sound like it is) then it is cruel to being an innocent being into an unplesant situation. Adoption can be complicated as so many women don't go through with it in the end and soemtimes kids end up in foster homes and feel unwanted.
Anyhow...jsut my two pence worth. i have neever regretted my abortion. i told no one and never will. I was about 18 weeks and had the procedure done in an hour. it was mostly painless and I knwo that my life would've been far more messed up if I had had a kid when i was a kid myself.
It isn't an easy undertaking morally if you believe that a few cells is a baby, but i don't. I am very liberal and pro choice and each woman should decide for herself. Good luck, whatever you decide to do. And keep away from this lying man.

October 28, 2009 - 11:32am

Hi, Anon,

I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this right now. I know how hard it is. What your boyfriend did was inexcusable. He played with your future, with your life, with your head. It makes me wonder whether he has lied to you about other important things. For instance, if he has lied about his sexual past, he could have put you at risk for STDs in addition to pregnancy. Have you been tested for STDs?

I agree with Rosa, though, that you have to try to separate the negative feelings and anger about what your boyfriend did from the fact that a baby is on the way.

Let's not talk about him for the moment. Let's talk about you and your life.

You're due to finish college soon. This is wonderful! How soon? What are you studying? What sort of job would you hope to get after graduation?

Where do you live now? (Meaning, not actually a city or state, but rather do you live on campus? With a roommate? At home? With your boyfriend?)

Would you consider adoption?

How have you felt about abortion in the past? Where does it land in your values?

Would your family support your decision to have the baby? Would they support your decision to give the baby up for adoption? Does their opinion mean a lot to you?

The main thing to remember here is that this is YOUR decision. No one else's. Give yourself some time alone to sit with the possibilities: abortion, adoption, motherhood. You are the person who will live with this decision for the rest of your life, so it needs to be right for you.

Please write back and let us know more about how you're feeling here. We can put you in touch with some resources in your area if you like; just let us know.

October 28, 2009 - 8:13am

Hi Anon, I am sorry you are feeling this way and hope you get more responses from people that can relate.

You are forgetting that there is a third option for you: adoption. There are many people that truly cannot have children and adopt to fill their need to become a parent. It takes a really selfless person to decide not to abort and give the baby up for adoption. Yes you would have to carry it and deliver but in the end you aren't taking a life.

I, personally, have no experience with abortion but I had a friend who did and said she still had nightmares about what she had done and admitted that it would be on her mind forever. I think if this is what you choose in the end, you have to be very mentally prepared for the repercussions.

If you do choose to keep your baby, it's not the worst thing in the world- I promise. You don't have to buy a house with a man that you dislike and you certainly don't have to marry him. I find that this is a big mistakes young couples tend to make because they want to "do the right thing" after getting pregnant. Marriage is something that needs to be thought through thoroughly not jumped into because of pregnancy. You can also rent an apartment, not buy a house in the worst part of town just to say "I own a home". Think about your relationship, talk with your boyfriend. What he did was extremely shady but try to access your relationship as a whole, not based on that lie. Whatever you decide to do, make sure it's what is best for you and the baby. It's best to be a great single mother than a miserable mom and wife.

Good Luck, please keep us posted.

October 28, 2009 - 5:42am
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