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7 months pregnant with our 2nd child. why doesnt he want me anymore?

By Anonymous December 22, 2010 - 9:09pm
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we always used to be so cuddly and romantic and hug and kiss and just hold each other. now it just feels like we are room mates. he says he just doesnt want to or its uncomfortable or every other excuse in the book. we dont have sex which i understand because it is uncomfortable so i offer oral or other forms of sex. he declines and says thats getting old. so he rather watch porn all day while im at work. i dont feel anything from him anymore and i dont think he cares much. ive tried talking nicely about it and tell him how it makes me feel and he says hes sorry and it hurts him too. i just dont understand. is it that time to call it quits? is it just because im pregnant? or is this just somethin i will never understand and have to move on to someone who will do these things with me? weve been together for 3 1/2 years i love this man with all my heart and i just cry so much because i feel like he doesnt love or want me anymore?

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EmpowHER Guest

Hello this is kendra.....My boyfriend don't want to be relationship with me while im pregnant im only 7 week now i dont understand why he dont want me cause i have my daughter's father and i have problem too many, he gettin jealous cause i have new boyfriend..he listen to anybody thats why he dont want me...what can i do?

June 17, 2012 - 9:07am
EmpowHER Guest

well i havent been on here lately but just wanted to update that the reason all this was going on is because he was getting back together with his other sons mother they were texting naked pix while i was at work he was going over there saying to see his son but telling her how much he hated me and loved her and wanted to make up and be a family he was living with her after we seperated for up until i had the baby he cam back didnt tell me anything she wrote me a mesage telling me the whole thing....beyond hurt is wat was going on in my head devastating we are trying to work through this cuz he said it didnt mean anything he was just confused and needed somewhere to live. i ended up cheating on him the day we were supposed to get married...when he was doing everything that i wanted loving affection everything so now i messed it up. its hard right now because now he acts like what i did made what he did dissapear

June 1, 2011 - 6:31am

Hi angelevldvl,

I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I did notice that you mentioned him being a SAHD (stay at home dad). We, as women, can handle A LOT more than we are sometimes given credit for. However, being a SAHD can quickly turn into more than a man bargained for-- even worse if he stays home all day, every day of the week. Have you discussed if he was perhaps overwhelmed or stressed over being the one to stay home with your son?

My husband has recently taken on this role and I know that sometimes he just needs to get out of the house and/or is exhausted by the end of the day. Men need a lot of praise for this, something that we, as women, don't really get but we don't really NEED it, either. The lack of sex, communication, etc. could have a lot to do with the fact that he may feel tired, unappreciated, maybe even depressed. I know he is your EX now but I think it's something worth discussing, don't you think?

January 1, 2011 - 11:14am
EmpowHER Guest

well i just wanted to say thank you for your advice. as of today before new years i have separated with my boyfriend. its very sad and hard to deal with but its for the better. i am spending new years with my son and my family. and i dont know what my ex is planning but it donesnt matter anymore. i will be happy.

December 31, 2010 - 6:17pm
EmpowHER Guest

well thank you for the info on this problem of mine. i think it helped me alot and hopefully this will get better. my other problem with him is that i feel like his friends are more important to him than me. he stays home all week with me but i work 45 hours a week. i feel like i never see him. he wants to go out every friday with his friends i get upset every time and i cant help it. i wish that he would say one time i dont want to go this week i want to be with u. that never happens. he turns it around on me and says that im jelous that hes with his friends and im insecure and think hes going to cheat. im very insecure because i feel like if hes not doing it with me then he wants to find it somewhere else but the biggest issue is that i just want him to want to be with me instead of his friends. why cant he show me that? and we even had a 2 second conversation about new years eve. i stopped talking right away becuase i didnt want to argue on christmas. he says he wants to go out for new years eve with his friends instead of being home with me. he rather leave me home alone. its very sad and dissapointing to me. i feel like im begging for him to love me and want me. its making me miserable.

December 26, 2010 - 5:20am
(reply to Anonymous)

You need to CHOOSE to stop "begging for him to love me and want me". It is going to make you depressed and miserable, and gives him all of the power.

I agree: it is sad that he does not want to be with you on New Year's Eve, and would rather be with his friends. You know what? That is his choice, and then YOU have a choice to make. You don't have to make it at this time, since you are pregnant and going through so much already, but he is showing you what type of man he is, and what type of relationship he is willing to provide. It is too bad that he is not more mature and able to be in a healthy relationship with you, but YOU have lots and lots of options.

YOU can decide to go out with your friends for New Year's Eve. You do not have to be alone; that is your choice.

If you do not have friends to go out with, that is perhaps a great New Year's Resolution: make some mom friends! Join a Mom's Group nearby, and you may want to see if there are any mom's groups for non-married or non-traditional families. You can look on meetup.com to begin your search.

He is undoubtedly making poor choices right now, and you can use this information to become better informed at what type of person he is. You do not need to take his choices personally, and take them on as a reflection of you. So, he does not want to go out with you. That is a poor choice on his part. Many other people WOULD like to go out with you, and you can make an effort to seek out those people who bring you joy. If this person is not bringing you joy, YOU can choose not to be around him....why would anyone "beg" for someone to be around them when they make them miserable?! He is showing you his true colors, and you can just begin taking note...and eventually choosing if this person is the right person for you long-term. This person can be in your life as the father of your children, but may not be the right person in your life long-term as the one person who brings you joy and a healthy relationship. You have all the power of your life, and you can begin making decisions in your best interest..independent of anyone else in your life!

December 26, 2010 - 9:15am

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can offer a few words of advice:

1. Some men act differently toward their pregnant female partner. If you can understand this, and not take it personally, you might feel better. Do you have other women friends who are also pregnant, who you can talk to? It is so helpful to join a prenatal yoga class or a mom's group or anything...women start talking about how their husbands treat them different when they are pregnant, and it is all OK.

2. Know what you want. OK...so sex is off the table for now. He said he is not comfortable, so you have to honor him for communicating his feelings. If you two can talk about it more, he may have some misconceptions (sex might hurt the baby) that you can educate him on. Otherwise, if he doesn't want to...he doesn't want to. If you two had a good relationship foundation before you became pregnant, your relationship will survive the sex drought for another few months (and then the sleep-deprived state after that!). If you want to be physically intimate, he needs to honor that as well. You two need to find a good compromise to meet both of your needs; I even think he needs to be more flexible and pamper you while you are pregnant (but, for some reason, a lot of men don't "get" this!). If you need to be physically touched, feel physically close with him...what are you BOTH comfortable doing...both receiving and giving? If he absolutely can not touch you because you are pregnant...that is concerning, but you can meet your physical needs in other ways: weekly prenatal massage and getting lots and lots of hugs from other friends and family (I know its not the same).
3. The other issue is that he is watching porn while you are at work. How many things are wrong with this scenario...does he not work? If he is unemployed, is he taking care of the house, paying bills, cooking dinner, watching the kids (you know, all the stuff that stay-at-home-moms are expected to do), and looking for employment? Is he using his time for the betterment of his community (volunteering)? If you said "no" to all of these things...is he depressed? I understand men and women watching adult movies, but every day, and in lieu of being a productive member of society and causing relationship difficulties, leads me to believe he is depressed, has other potentially addictive personality traits...or something is not quite right.

It's not really about the lack of sex, but the other issues, right?

December 23, 2010 - 12:40pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Alison Beaver)

i dont know where to start but hes home with our son he takes care of all the house chores. hes a stay at home dad. i love that he does all this and i appreciate it and i guess you are right that its not the lack of sex but everything else thats lacking. he is a recovering drug addict and acloholic so he does have an addictive personality. hes even said to me that hes addicted to porn when we argue but then when i say to go get help he says he doesnt need it that its not a problem all guys do it. he has been depressed alot in his life so i could understand that part but i dont know what he would be depressed about now a days. it just seems like this started out of no where him saying that he doesnt want me and doesnt like me and that im fat and nasty i just dont know. then later he apologizes and he feels so bad about what he says and does. he confuses me and im ready to give up. even though i really dont want to. it just seems like my feelings dont matter. if i dont like something im supposed to just shut up and deal with it. but why cant it be the other way around if i dont like something he can not do it anymore and shut up and deal with that.?

December 23, 2010 - 1:56pm
(reply to Anonymous)

It's not the other way around, because you sound like you have a healthy perspective on life. Your son's father does not.

"Feeling depressed" and "being diagnosed depressed" are different things. He may not have anything to be depressed about (your words), but if he IS depressed, he can have a chemical imbalance that needs to be treated. He is using (or has a history) drugs, porn, verbal abuse, alcohol as his coping mechanisms, which leads me to assume he has no healthy coping mechanisms. If he is depressed (sounds like he may be!), he needs professional help. He is at least verbally abusive to you, and also needs professional help for this aspect alone. You may want counseling as well, as being in a verbally abusive relationship is emotionally draining (at the least).

A healthy relationship has NO room for name calling, verbally abusing someone, ignoring another's concerns and feelings. That is awful, and is why you feel awful. Please..I think it would be very helpful for you to talk with a counselor. Your son's father absolutely needs to seek treatment for his coping behaviors and verbal abuse. His excuse "all men do it" is classic addictive behavior reasoning (and very immature reasoning at that). You don't really care what other men are/are not doing. You care what HE is doing, and how it is effecting HIS relationship and behaviors with YOU.

Are you able to talk with your OB/GYN about your relationship, and ask for some counseling resources?

December 23, 2010 - 9:33pm
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