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Hi, i'm a 22 year old virgin female. when i was younger i loved to kiss boys and my neighbor, i was fiesty up until age 12. i have had some then i started high school and then sex never really interested me. had one boyfriend and i loved to have dry sex, but whenever he fingered me it hurt! i've never fingered myself, put a tampon in, or even been able to get a speculum in at the gyno because it scares me that it's going to hurt. i have boys over and now i hardly let them finger me. i don't want to be this way- it's possible i could be bisexual but i've never explored it and honestly don't really want to. Any advice would be greatly appreciated, i'm very embarrassed about this..
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I also forgot to mention that I recently invited a guy over and he tried to go for the vaginal area and I kept pushing him away. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel bad that if I invite a guy over late at night that he wants to do that and that somehow I'm not normal because I push him away. I feel like i'm letting him down, and I'm kind of glad nothing went farther though because I felt like he might have been trying to just hook up.
April 4, 2010 - 3:33pmThis Comment
Seltzy,
You should never, ever feel bad or that you "let someone down" because you aren't ready to be sexually active in your vaginal area. "No" means "no," and it doesn't matter why. If you invite a guy over late at night, though, you do have to be careful about the position you are putting yourself in. Not all guys would stop when you told them to stop.
Like Pat said, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're just small down there, and still a virgin. Once you decide that you want to have sex with someone, you will know them well enough to be able to explain the fact that you need to go very slowly and carefully. You may need to use lubricant and you may have some pain the first time, but it should not last. And don't hesitate to try to use tampons -- you should be able to without hurting your virginity, and it might be a good way to get a little more familiar with just how sensitive you are around your vaginal area.
April 5, 2010 - 11:27amThis Comment
Thank you for your advice. I'll definitely go to someone who can help and I will let you know how it goes. I'm very afraid of the pain that it may cause, whenever a speculum is almost going in there it feels tight and then I get light headed. I've also fainted before when reading about sex, only once though I woke up on the ground. It seems psychological and I just want to be normal and to enjoy myself. I've kept myself alone and away from people for so long for fear they'll find out about me, and I don't want to be lonely anymore. If you have any other tips, I would be greatful, thanks!
April 4, 2010 - 3:20pmThis Comment
Dear Seltzy,
Pat gave you some great advice and I agree-- you are not alone in this and have nothing to be embarrassed about.
I just wanted to clarify something: Are you hesitant to put anything or touch your vagina because you are not sure you want it there? Or is this fear caused by pain?
A professional can help you get through the fear of pain or hesitation but it is important to understand exactly what is causing you to not allow a finger, tampon, or speculum into your vagina. If you follow Pat's resources, please keep us posted on your progress-- we would love to hear about it!
April 4, 2010 - 6:39amThis Comment
Hi Seltzy - You have nothing to be embarrassed about, there have to be many others in your exact same position, but they're not talking about it. You're been able to put into words what's bothering you and to reach out for support - that's a great step forward.
It sounds like you need to be able to talk with someone who can help you sort out your feelings and get a better understanding of your own sexuality - someone who will do so without judgment. You may want to consider making an appointment with a patient educator at a local Planned Parenthood center. They're highly trained in all aspects of sexuality, will be able to answer your questions, and will respect your privacy. There's nothing they haven't heard or seen before, and no reason to be embarrassed to seek their support.
Here's their website: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/
Here's a link to find find local services: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/index.htm
Another option would be to seek support from a professional counselor - a psychologist or other licensed counselor. It's not because there's something wrong with you, it's because a counselor can help you sort out why you're so afraid and get to the root of your fear and then past it.
If you're able to become more comfortable with the idea of vaginal contact you may then want to schedule an appointment with a gynecologist to determine if there is a physical problem that is causing your pain as well as a remedy.
You're a young woman with a great life ahead of you and I hope you'll seek and get the support you need and deserve. Please stay in touch and let us know how you're doing. We wish you the best. Pat
April 3, 2010 - 7:21pmThis Comment