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Am i ready or not ?

By Anonymous June 23, 2010 - 2:23pm
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Well im 17 , my boyfriend is 21 , we live in a Muslim community , so a non virgin is regarded in a bad way. My mom knows that im dating him and she knows im crazy about him however if ever i do it with him i would never ever be able to tell her about it. I really dont know what to do .He is very sweet , caring , and takes good care of me , he treats me well . Each time i broke up ( 2wice in 4months ) he insisted tat we should go back. We arleady spoke about mariage and according to what he says he will last forever if i listen to him and if it works between usI kind of want to have sex with him its the first time that i feel the need to have sex with him and its freaky . With my last boyfriend i stayyed with him onger like 9months , but i never wanted to do it or go far with him . I didnt leave him touch me me the way this one does.He said he wants to do it but until he is sure it will last forever , how ever he loves blowjobs and I HATE THEM ... i prefer having sex than giving hima blowjob , how ever i dont know what to do or say , cause wheenever i bring up this subject he tells me we should wait till we are sure it will last forever. I dont want to give him blowjobs but i dont like saying no to him. what shall i do ? am i ready to make him have sex ? shall i make him ? IM SO CONFUSED please help ? Thank you very much AND oh yeah , i nearly forgot , hes from the same city as me his parensts and his siter live here how ever he goes to university in FRANCE which is far away from me , but hes here every single vacations , and when he goes to frannce we are always skyping and hes helping me out with homework and stuff like that , he rarly goes out or shall i say never , unless hes back here and when he does most of the time im with him.

THank you once again.

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Just wanted to check back in and say Hi. From the updates you wrote, it sounds like you have way too many emotions swirling around to make this decision now. Your virginity is important to you and important to your culture, and you can only lose it once. It seems as though this very important decision is all tied up in who-likes-whom and who-is-cuter and who-is-being-nicer-at-the-moment, and those aren't good reasons to make such an important decision.

Step back, take some time. Don't be quite as back-and-forth on this decision. Everything you say tells us that no, you aren't ready. This may end up being the right boy for you, but right now that doesn't seem clear. There are family issues, temper issues and friend/ego issues involved, which makes it really difficult for you to sort out.

Breathe, here. Take care of yourself and your priorities first. If you don't, nobody else will do it for you, and you'll get lost in the middle of it all.

June 30, 2010 - 8:50am
EmpowHER Guest

If only my parnets can understand that they should leave me alone and dont bother me for a while... well my dad wont thats for sure cause he doesnt really care , but my mom shell find a stupid reason to come knock on my door and irritate me... and my other he couldnt care less ...
But yeah il try doing what you told me !! and ill keep you updated
Thanks you very much for caring and thanks for helping me out !!

June 27, 2010 - 11:00am
EmpowHER Guest


Take a break, your completely allowed to take time to yourself. You do not have to be at his beck and call at every moment. It appears (with family issues too) that you have a lot going on and maybe you just need that Zen moment to regroup and rechange your own battery.

I will share that last weekend, I explained to my friends and family that I needed a weekend to myself and I was turning off my phone, locking my doors and just taking some me time. It was so refreshing, and well worth my mental health since I was just running on overload. Monday morning was bright and sunny (even on a rainy day).

Take some time and it is ok to not move out of bed, watch some chic flicks just as long as it doesn't last for a long time (weeks). If you feel like your depressed, you may need professional help but sounds to me that you need YOU time.

Of couse, your never alone because you always have us! Please keep us updated!

June 27, 2010 - 10:22am
EmpowHER Guest

AGH !!! Im having alot of famiy problems lately so im lying at hin saying im not in townn cause im very tierd and very irritated if i talk to him or see him wr gna end up fighting or something ....
I barely move from bed , and if i do i chek my email than go back to sleep ...and he thinks im out somewhere or im doing something and im avoiding not to talk to him. I normally tell him about these kind of things i told him yesterday but brefly ... i dont feel like talking about it ... and i doubt he undersatands that.
i know myself if i stay like this with family and its not any better with him im going to fall into a bad depression and thats the last thing i want in summer mostly that i have to start studying in august !

June 27, 2010 - 9:49am
EmpowHER Guest

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for your reply. I have to agree with Pat that if you are not ready, your not ready and if a man really wanted to be with you, he would maybe not agree with you but at least understand.

If you by any means question your relationship (such as you saying that he is too possessive), this is a red flag you are providing yourself that says, maybe this is not the right one for you. If he doesn't want you to date other men, don't worry, he leaves to go to France, right? He will be gone soon. Are you in fear of your life with him?

The things that you will miss about him (such as helping you when you need him) is easily replaced by another man. There is nothing that you are saying that is irreplaceable. Your virginity, however, is irreplaceable. What's the rush? Wouldn't you want to know that the person you give such a precious gift to will be the one you are with forever?

Life is very short, hun and you are still young. You have plenty of time to make sure this is the right thing (in your mind to do). So take the time to make sure, no pressure from anyone else. You will know and not question it!

June 26, 2010 - 7:29am


I'm so glad you wrote back. Everything you wrote helps put the whole situation into much better perspective.

The way your boyfriend treated you is NOT acceptable. When you said you didn't want to have oral sex, he retaliated by not talking, by being angry and by driving fast when he knows that it frightens you. Someone who really cared about YOU would have responded by saying "OK," and in understanding.

There are a lot of problems with this relationship. I understand how others might feel that one of you is "better" than the other, but I don't think that is what matters most. Many opposites have good relationships. But in this case, those differences seem to result in different BEHAVIORS and in different levels of what is acceptable. He is demanding of you; you feel like you have to go along or he'll be mad. There's nothing good about that.

I think that this is the point at which you need to be quiet with yourself and listen to what you know inside. (Apart from your mom, or your dad, or your friends, or your boyfriend). Are you worth better treatment? Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in?

Regardless of what you decide, I would definitely not have sex with this man. Your virginity is special to you and it honestly sounds like you would later regret losing it with him. It would hurt you in the eyes of your culture, especially if you want to marry within your religion.

What are you thinking at this point?

June 25, 2010 - 9:08am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

Well actually , the thing that bothers me the most is the fact that im kindof cute wanted by many guys , while hes not cute at all. I donno but this seems to bother me alot lately while it didnt use to bother me befor ...

Other than that , i mean atleast he says sorry after , he gets mad easily and i know that by naw... and also he is very MACHO , so yh i donno should i just help save our relationship as i promised i would? or shall i just forget about him ?
The problem is i have depression problems , so im scared that i break up woth him and fall in to a depression and pass a bad summer... cause after all even if he is VERY posseseive and very nervous at times ... he does treat me well ,he is carring towards me . He is always here we i need him he always chosses me befor his friends . For example once i wasnot feeling very well i had stomach pain at it was late at night ... i had an exam the day after and since he know i have a hard time waking up and i had to wake up to study in the middle of the night he did the alarm to wake me up ... when u called to wake me up he founf me already awake cause i had pain ... he came after me right away he took me to thePharmacy which was veryyyy far cause it was at night an not all pharmacies are open.and baught me medicin than took me to ear than droped me off to school ... than he went back to sleep .... or he is wid his friends hell leave all his friends get me food and dvds home and than go back to his friends.....or once i had a history exam and he was in france he stayed awake veryy late helping me study through skype while he was veryyy tierd and sleepy... if i ever let him go ... im going to miss all this ...
Im so confused ... he is soo sweet to me i cant hurt him

and about the sex part i want to cause he doesnt want too ... WHY doesnt he want to ... hes a guy ? a friend told me because he ... he knows that it is not going to last forever cause he doesnt love me thats why he doesnt want too ...
and im thinking if i have sex with him he wiill HAVE to stay with me forever ... but at the same time im scared to have it with him and then he starts to treat me like shit knowing that ill want to stay with him because of my virginity...

He is too possesive if he thinks a guy will take me away from him , hell make me stop talking to him ... Is it normal ?

thank you sooo much for helping me out !

June 25, 2010 - 5:23pm


Your question is, "Am I ready or not?" But I have to say, it doesn't sound like it.

Since your virginity is very important to you and in your culture, whatever decision you make here will have lasting impact on how you feel about yourself in the future. If being a virgin when you are married is important to you, then you must make that a priority now.

What it sounds like, after reading yoru post, is that you primarily feel very loving and intimate with this man, but that you don't like oral sex. In a way, it seems like you are thinking of trading your virginity so that you might not "have" to have oral sex anymore. But I would like to say that you don't have to do either. You should never feel pressured to have sexual intimacy in any way that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Why did you break up with this boyfriend twice in four months? That also worries me. Even though you are crazy about him, it doesn't seem like you see him as a lifetime partner. And with that in mind, I'm not sure losing your virginity to him would do anything but bring you pain later on.


June 24, 2010 - 9:26am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Diane Porter)

Thanks for your time and thanks for your reply...
Well , the first time i broke up is because i thought i was better than him and my friends were telling me so... the second time i broke is because my mom told me that my dad and his dad are kind of ennemies because according to my dad his dad is a big PLAYER , who owns the worst hotel in town that is known only for prostitutes and also that he was an alcholic , in the begining that didnt shock me because he told me that his dad was a big player .I didnt think that would effect me but for some reason it did . He is not that cute , and compared to him im much beter than him . So i was really tierd and i kept telling myself that i deserve a better man. So i decided to break up and get over him. My family is much richer , and im much beter than him , therefore im scared to intruduce him to my mom. She knows im dating him and she knows ho he is but she never really met him. My mom plays a big role in my life and i know that if she saw him and she told me that im better than him , i WILL feel bad so bad and giulty that i would break up , so i decided to break up befor my mom meets him.

Today , i meet him for a short time , he wanted a blowjob and i didnt want to , cause i would be late to my dentist apointment, so than when i said no he started driving very fast knowing that i hate it when he drives fast and he didnt answer me when i spoke to him. I got really bad and decided to leave i ordered him to stop the car and leave me catch a cab ( cause my drivers and my whole family arent in town ) , he refused and said sorry and kept kissing me for me to forgive him. When he dropeed me of to the dentst a friend of him called and told him to go to the beach , the beach is like 30 mins away or even more. He said okay but he than asked me hos going to take me back home after i finish the dentist i told him that i didnt know and that ill find away. He didnt let me , he said its either the driiver or hell wait for me instead of going to the beach wirh hes friends. I told him ill call my mom and see if sheell be here in acouple of hours to come an get me. I called and told her if she can come and get me and she said yes okay i think ill be back my than. So i called him and told him that , but befor he hung up he was like " itll beter be your mom and you beter not walk or catch a cab". When i finished i called mymom she was like im soory i couldnt make it ... so i was stuck i called him he shouted at me cause my only solutions was to walk. He told me to walk to the nearest place i know so i walked to a friennds house and he came after me . When he came after me he Started shouting am , and telling me that i shouldve listened when he told me that hell come after me . So he wanst speaking to me at al for 3O mins . he took me to eat in macdonalds but he didnt say a word ... like 10 mins befor we leave i made him smile and talk for a while... but than after we finished after we got into his car he was like wr do u wanna go ? I saud its 8h 3O and i told my mom ill be home befor dark today so take me home naw , he was like WHAT are you kidding me i come after u and thats all i get? blablabla and he satated shouting ... he was like u want to go home fine ill take you home . and he started driving really fast again until i begged him to slow down. he toook me to my house in a rush and he wasnt saying a word ... he just didnt answer me ... and when i arrived befor i leave the car he said " Earliar this afternoon you said that i dated you only for sex , the next time you say that its OVER once an for all ...look all what i do for you and than he was like why would i be would you for sexual reasons knowing that Your a virgin and that you have tiny boobs and a tiny mouth ... your not angenila jolie as far as i know so NO im not with you only for sexual reasons" But however many people tell me that he is only with me cause he would never be able to date a beter girl

Thanks once again

June 24, 2010 - 1:32pm
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