Am i ready or not ?

Anon,

Just wanted to check back in and say Hi. From the updates you wrote, it sounds like you have way too many emotions swirling around to make this decision now. Your virginity is important to you and important to your culture, and you can only lose it once. It seems as though this very important decision is all tied up in who-likes-whom and who-is-cuter and who-is-being-nicer-at-the-moment, and those aren't good reasons to make such an important decision.

Step back, take some time. Don't be quite as back-and-forth on this decision. Everything you say tells us that no, you aren't ready. This may end up being the right boy for you, but right now that doesn't seem clear. There are family issues, temper issues and friend/ego issues involved, which makes it really difficult for you to sort out.

Breathe, here. Take care of yourself and your priorities first. If you don't, nobody else will do it for you, and you'll get lost in the middle of it all.

If only my parnets can understand that they should leave me alone and dont bother me for a while... well my dad wont thats for sure cause he doesnt really care , but my mom shell find a stupid reason to come knock on my door and irritate me... and my other he couldnt care less ...
But yeah il try doing what you told me !! and ill keep you updated
Thanks you very much for caring and thanks for helping me out !!

Anonymous,

Take a break, your completely allowed to take time to yourself. You do not have to be at his beck and call at every moment. It appears (with family issues too) that you have a lot going on and maybe you just need that Zen moment to regroup and rechange your own battery.

I will share that last weekend, I explained to my friends and family that I needed a weekend to myself and I was turning off my phone, locking my doors and just taking some me time. It was so refreshing, and well worth my mental health since I was just running on overload. Monday morning was bright and sunny (even on a rainy day).

Take some time and it is ok to not move out of bed, watch some chic flicks just as long as it doesn't last for a long time (weeks). If you feel like your depressed, you may need professional help but sounds to me that you need YOU time.

Of couse, your never alone because you always have us! Please keep us updated!

AGH !!! Im having alot of famiy problems lately so im lying at hin saying im not in townn cause im very tierd and very irritated if i talk to him or see him wr gna end up fighting or something ....
I barely move from bed , and if i do i chek my email than go back to sleep ...and he thinks im out somewhere or im doing something and im avoiding not to talk to him. I normally tell him about these kind of things i told him yesterday but brefly ... i dont feel like talking about it ... and i doubt he undersatands that.
i know myself if i stay like this with family and its not any better with him im going to fall into a bad depression and thats the last thing i want in summer mostly that i have to start studying in august !

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for your reply. I have to agree with Pat that if you are not ready, your not ready and if a man really wanted to be with you, he would maybe not agree with you but at least understand.

If you by any means question your relationship (such as you saying that he is too possessive), this is a red flag you are providing yourself that says, maybe this is not the right one for you. If he doesn't want you to date other men, don't worry, he leaves to go to France, right? He will be gone soon. Are you in fear of your life with him?

The things that you will miss about him (such as helping you when you need him) is easily replaced by another man. There is nothing that you are saying that is irreplaceable. Your virginity, however, is irreplaceable. What's the rush? Wouldn't you want to know that the person you give such a precious gift to will be the one you are with forever?

Life is very short, hun and you are still young. You have plenty of time to make sure this is the right thing (in your mind to do). So take the time to make sure, no pressure from anyone else. You will know and not question it!

Anon,

I'm so glad you wrote back. Everything you wrote helps put the whole situation into much better perspective.

The way your boyfriend treated you is NOT acceptable. When you said you didn't want to have oral sex, he retaliated by not talking, by being angry and by driving fast when he knows that it frightens you. Someone who really cared about YOU would have responded by saying "OK," and in understanding.

There are a lot of problems with this relationship. I understand how others might feel that one of you is "better" than the other, but I don't think that is what matters most. Many opposites have good relationships. But in this case, those differences seem to result in different BEHAVIORS and in different levels of what is acceptable. He is demanding of you; you feel like you have to go along or he'll be mad. There's nothing good about that.

I think that this is the point at which you need to be quiet with yourself and listen to what you know inside. (Apart from your mom, or your dad, or your friends, or your boyfriend). Are you worth better treatment? Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in?

Regardless of what you decide, I would definitely not have sex with this man. Your virginity is special to you and it honestly sounds like you would later regret losing it with him. It would hurt you in the eyes of your culture, especially if you want to marry within your religion.

What are you thinking at this point?

Anon,

Your question is, "Am I ready or not?" But I have to say, it doesn't sound like it.

Since your virginity is very important to you and in your culture, whatever decision you make here will have lasting impact on how you feel about yourself in the future. If being a virgin when you are married is important to you, then you must make that a priority now.

What it sounds like, after reading yoru post, is that you primarily feel very loving and intimate with this man, but that you don't like oral sex. In a way, it seems like you are thinking of trading your virginity so that you might not "have" to have oral sex anymore. But I would like to say that you don't have to do either. You should never feel pressured to have sexual intimacy in any way that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Why did you break up with this boyfriend twice in four months? That also worries me. Even though you are crazy about him, it doesn't seem like you see him as a lifetime partner. And with that in mind, I'm not sure losing your virginity to him would do anything but bring you pain later on.

Thoughts?